livefortoday: (061)
Hunter Todd Alexander ([personal profile] livefortoday) wrote in [community profile] muserevival2017-04-18 04:15 pm

145.1. lyrics

"I've been standing in the rain
Drenched and soaked with pain
Tired of short time benefits
And being exposed to the elements
I'm homeward bound
Got my head turned around"

• Going Back to My Roots, Odyssey

After staring out the plane without without really taking in anything of the view of the fluffy clouds as far as the eye could see, Hunter closed his eyes when his jumble of thoughts converged in his head without relief. You couldn’t always lean on the luxury of rational reasoning when you were in emotional overload and your heart was far too involved to let the head rule. The empty seat beside him was taunting him, reminding him he was alone. He tried putting his flight bag there to fill the space, but it was no substitute for what - or who - he really wanted there.

He didn’t know why he was feeling so winded and drained. He knew what the situation was, and how it could spiral out of control. He knew there was no guarantee everything would be static. He knew it wouldn't be an easy road. But he had also hoped, so damn much, that Cruz would have the strength to hold up and push on. Instead of coming back from Coachella together, Hunter was flying back to New York alone, not even sure anymore what way was up.

It was Cruz’s first gig back to work after detoxing and commencing on the outpatient rehab program. Even if there had been complications that landed him in hospital, he had come out the other side alive and ready to try to get his life on track. Not back on track, because it had been off the rails since he was in his early teens, but on a road he could cope with, here he was content and living as who he wanted to be. Not the facade he had been carrying, which is what lead him out onto a ledge about to take his own life.

Drugs and alcohol were poison to a mind. It could scar and damage. It numbed and fueled a chemical amnesia to what was causing you pain, but it was only ever temporary. It always wore off, you needed more and more to keep up the high and reckless abandonment. Hunter thought they were on the right track. Cruz survived it. They had reconnected. Their relationship was tender and compassionate. They shared some deepest secrets with each other they had never revealed to anyone else. All the right ingredients were there for the taking.

Then Coachella was upon them. The atmosphere screamed for rockstars to be rockstars. Alcohol, drugs, loud music, groupies, blood, sweat, tears, and sex. Cruz was in the thick of it, and he hadn’t been able to resist the temptation right under his nose and fell off the wagon spectacularly, crashing and burning in the midst of what could still turn out to be a scandal.

He got drunk. He got high. Not just a bit to take the edge off the cravings, but he went the whole hog. When you were an addict, you didn’t just do a bit. You couldn’t stop at a bit. You were a bitch to the substance. It owned you and possessed you. There was no resistance when it was right there in front of you like a gourmet buffet. Hunter knew straight away when he went backstage on his VIP pass that Cruz had fallen. He had warped into a different person. Still Cruz, in essence, but amplified into a sexualised, hyper-agitated, hyper-aggressive, reckless rockstar who thought he was invincible. Hunter got dragged into the whirlwind. Not only did Cruz turn into a possessive, rough sleazebag on whatever hard drugs he had hit, he outed himself by grabbing Hunter in a kiss and declaring to whoever was backstage that Hunter was his bitch and he was hung like a fucking donkey.

They ended up in the trailer for Cruz’s band and had a complete Domestic 101 fight in front of one of his bandmates, Brant. But for all Hunter arced up at first, he knew it was pointless to try to fight it out when Cruz was high. All that hard work with getting clean was down the drain. Hunter was starting to feel like Cruz was beyond his help. Or beyond his help. Was he that useless to hold him up on the wagon? He ended the whole mess telling Cruz to go fuck himself, and left to catch the next plane home. Anger had gotten the better of him because he felt like a failure, which could lead to Cruz being seriously harmed or killing himself, intentionally or accidentally. Now he didn’t know if he was cut-out for the fall-out that could well come from Cruz busting his PR contract and coming out of the closet.

The weekend had started so well, but Cruz’s mental resilience just wasn’t there yet. The shit still had a powerful hold him and Hunter felt powerless against it. Staying would have just blown everything up even more, but walking away was one of the hardest fucking things he had done in his life, because he was terrified he would never see only the second person he had ever been in love with in his life again.

hunter alexander | original character
( cruz appears here with love and permission )