Ian Clayton Gallagher (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sickoflivingalie) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2015-04-24 02:31 pm
sickoflivingalie) wrote in muserevival2015-04-24 02:31 pm
091.3. First Person Prompt
SPOILERS: Shameless Season 5 finale
Bad Mistake
TW: SUICIDAL IDEATION
Dear Mickey,
You made me have a fucking wet dream, you cunt. Do you know how long it's been since I had one of those? But I don't know what's fucking worse. My dick thinking it's 12 years old again, or the fact I slept through getting a fucking boner because I'm so drugged that I have the functioning ability of approximately a squash worm.
And now I'm fucking thinking about it, it feels like you might be out there fucking new dudes at every truck stop. It makes me feel sick inside, but I know I have no right to feel like that. Was splitting with you a really bad mistake? Some days, it all feels like I'm trapped in a fucking nightmare and maybe I'll wake up back where we're together, and there's no fucking bipolar or you not being you, and everything is something I know how to deal with again.
Other days, I know I'm not stuck in a nightmare at all. Just stuck in this shithole that I'll probably never get out of. It's not exactly something that makes a dude want to keep living. Don't worry, I'm not going to slash my wrists. Even if I do, I'll be doing a damn fucking good job of it because I won't be wanting any fuckers to bring me back. I can't say it's something I don't think about. It feels like an easy out. What's stopping me is I don't want to end up with 'Just like Moncia' on my fucking headstone.
I ditched my therapist yesterday too, but here I am still doinging this "journaling" and I don't even know why. The bitch wanted to try to explore being queer as a way I've possibly repressed myself. The only part of me I've never repressed and she wants to say being a fag is why I'm mentally ill. Or something. I don't know. I started to tune her the fuck out these last few times. When I told her I wasn't the one who had been repressed, it was you... she latched right onto that like a fucking dog with a bone because I hadn't mentioned you before.
I don't want to talk about you. I want to talk TO you. I want you to come back so we can try again, but it fucking terrifies me that it will be even worse this time around. Nothing feels like it could get worse than when I had to split with you, but worse scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I won't be able to make it through worse, but what the fuck is 'better'? I don't know 'better'. Can I even manage 'better' anymore?
Do you think about me when you're off fucking other dudes? Do you think about me at all?
Fuck this, I'm going to get drunk.
- Ian x
• ian gallagher [ canon: shameless ]
Bad Mistake
Dear Mickey,
You made me have a fucking wet dream, you cunt. Do you know how long it's been since I had one of those? But I don't know what's fucking worse. My dick thinking it's 12 years old again, or the fact I slept through getting a fucking boner because I'm so drugged that I have the functioning ability of approximately a squash worm.
And now I'm fucking thinking about it, it feels like you might be out there fucking new dudes at every truck stop. It makes me feel sick inside, but I know I have no right to feel like that. Was splitting with you a really bad mistake? Some days, it all feels like I'm trapped in a fucking nightmare and maybe I'll wake up back where we're together, and there's no fucking bipolar or you not being you, and everything is something I know how to deal with again.
Other days, I know I'm not stuck in a nightmare at all. Just stuck in this shithole that I'll probably never get out of. It's not exactly something that makes a dude want to keep living. Don't worry, I'm not going to slash my wrists. Even if I do, I'll be doing a damn fucking good job of it because I won't be wanting any fuckers to bring me back. I can't say it's something I don't think about. It feels like an easy out. What's stopping me is I don't want to end up with 'Just like Moncia' on my fucking headstone.
I ditched my therapist yesterday too, but here I am still doinging this "journaling" and I don't even know why. The bitch wanted to try to explore being queer as a way I've possibly repressed myself. The only part of me I've never repressed and she wants to say being a fag is why I'm mentally ill. Or something. I don't know. I started to tune her the fuck out these last few times. When I told her I wasn't the one who had been repressed, it was you... she latched right onto that like a fucking dog with a bone because I hadn't mentioned you before.
I don't want to talk about you. I want to talk TO you. I want you to come back so we can try again, but it fucking terrifies me that it will be even worse this time around. Nothing feels like it could get worse than when I had to split with you, but worse scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I won't be able to make it through worse, but what the fuck is 'better'? I don't know 'better'. Can I even manage 'better' anymore?
Do you think about me when you're off fucking other dudes? Do you think about me at all?
Fuck this, I'm going to get drunk.
- Ian x
• ian gallagher [ canon: shameless ]