Karen Donahue (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
secondshift) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2013-07-14 12:19 am
secondshift) wrote in muserevival2013-07-14 12:19 am
34/1
"Fear is static that prevents me from hearing myself." - Samuel Butler
I've been back on the force for two months and one day. I can't find much to complain about. A lot changes in two years. I'm working in a different department, with a new partner. Some people have moved around: been promoted, transferred out, or even retired. Then there's all the little things. But essentially the job is the same. Show up in the morning, close the case, go home at night, do it all again tomorrow.
People ask me if I'm afraid. They mean am I afraid that what happened to my husband might happen to me. He was shot twice on the street while on his way to pick up our son from school by a family member of someone he'd convicted who held a grudge. The truth is I'm not afraid of that. You become a cop knowing that it's a possibility that you may be killed in the line of duty. That risk is something that after so long you just get used to.
The fear for me is that I'll never come back. That I'll never be the cop I used to be. The one who made Homicide and had the respect of her fellow detectives. The one who went to sleep at night knowing she had done something to make the city a better place. I want to be that woman again. My whole life, all I've ever been is a good cop. I was a cop before I was a wife, a mother, or a widow. I judge myself by how well I represent my shield. And if I end up being half the cop I used to be, it's going to feel like the bad guys won. That they didn't just kill my husband, but they damaged me too.
Of course my life is going to be different without my husband. I was a Homicide cop married to an Assistant District Attorney for ten years, parenting a beautiful baby boy. Now I'm out of Homicide, single mother to a six year old on one paycheck. Things change, not just emotionally but professionally and financially. You look at the world a lot differently when you're the only one your kid is expecting to come home at night. For the most part I've adjusted to all that. I'll probably never make Lieutenant, but some dreams you just have to let go.
But life goes on. My husband would never have wanted my life, our son's life, to stop just because he's not here anymore. He would want the same thing that he wanted when he was alive: for us to have the best lives possible. For me, he knew that was being a cop. He supported me, even on the days when I was working late and he'd have to get dinner on the table after spending all day in court. I never once heard him complain about my work. He'd just make sure some of the meatloaf was there for me when I got home. I'm not avoiding anything by going back to work. If anything I'm trying to be the woman he married. Even if I'm afraid she might not be in there anymore.
Karen Donahue | Original Character
I've been back on the force for two months and one day. I can't find much to complain about. A lot changes in two years. I'm working in a different department, with a new partner. Some people have moved around: been promoted, transferred out, or even retired. Then there's all the little things. But essentially the job is the same. Show up in the morning, close the case, go home at night, do it all again tomorrow.
People ask me if I'm afraid. They mean am I afraid that what happened to my husband might happen to me. He was shot twice on the street while on his way to pick up our son from school by a family member of someone he'd convicted who held a grudge. The truth is I'm not afraid of that. You become a cop knowing that it's a possibility that you may be killed in the line of duty. That risk is something that after so long you just get used to.
The fear for me is that I'll never come back. That I'll never be the cop I used to be. The one who made Homicide and had the respect of her fellow detectives. The one who went to sleep at night knowing she had done something to make the city a better place. I want to be that woman again. My whole life, all I've ever been is a good cop. I was a cop before I was a wife, a mother, or a widow. I judge myself by how well I represent my shield. And if I end up being half the cop I used to be, it's going to feel like the bad guys won. That they didn't just kill my husband, but they damaged me too.
Of course my life is going to be different without my husband. I was a Homicide cop married to an Assistant District Attorney for ten years, parenting a beautiful baby boy. Now I'm out of Homicide, single mother to a six year old on one paycheck. Things change, not just emotionally but professionally and financially. You look at the world a lot differently when you're the only one your kid is expecting to come home at night. For the most part I've adjusted to all that. I'll probably never make Lieutenant, but some dreams you just have to let go.
But life goes on. My husband would never have wanted my life, our son's life, to stop just because he's not here anymore. He would want the same thing that he wanted when he was alive: for us to have the best lives possible. For me, he knew that was being a cop. He supported me, even on the days when I was working late and he'd have to get dinner on the table after spending all day in court. I never once heard him complain about my work. He'd just make sure some of the meatloaf was there for me when I got home. I'm not avoiding anything by going back to work. If anything I'm trying to be the woman he married. Even if I'm afraid she might not be in there anymore.
Karen Donahue | Original Character