magicmelody: (Default)
Melody Jane Winters ([personal profile] magicmelody) wrote in [community profile] muserevival2016-06-18 12:46 pm

122.3. First Person - Letter

Say goodbye

Hey Batman,

It's taken me over 48 hours to decide whether I should even write this. I still don't know what to say, because I'm not used to not having you here to talk to face-to-face. But I know why you're away, and fucking hell, do you need it, babe. You're so broken and damaged, and my heart has felt like it was being ripped out by the roots because I couldn't do anything to stop the pain. Have we gotten weird since you started dating Caleb? Maybe it's just because I don't know him. He's a complete fucking stranger. I don't know how to talk to him. Is that wrong? You've slipped away from me, and that hurts.

But that doesn't mean you've stopped being a part of me. You're my partner in crime. For so long, it was just you and me against the world, and now I just feel so alone and you feel like you're a universe away. Are you? Have you come back to us at all, or are you still so lost and in pain? I miss you. There aren't enough words to say how much, but I do.

I lost the baby, Z. It was a little boy, and we were going to call him Phoenix, for you. We talked about all that shit like asking you to be his godfather, even if you would already be his uncle. It hurts, Z. It hurts inside, because I got used to the idea that he was on his way. He was a little person and all. We saw him on the sonogram, and even if he just looked like a blob, I still thought he was cute.

Fuck, I don't even know if I should send you this letter, because I don't want to make things harder for you. I don't want you to feel like you have to quit your therapy and run back here. I know you. I know that's what you will do, and you can't. You can't, Batman. You need the help. You need to find some peace. You need to know it's okay to forgive yourself and none of it was your fault. You've never known how beautiful and special a person you are. I love you so fucking much, and I need you. But I need you to stay and get better more. Okay? We'll be okay. Brett and me, we'll figure it out. Somehow.

We're quitting on the plans to keep dating. I love him to bits, and he made me feel beautiful, but we don't fit. We're both searching for something, but we didn't find it in each other. We just got distracted with this whole accidental pregnancy thing. It stopped being about us then, you know? He would've made a great dad, but there was always this niggle inside me that our fuck up had cockblocked so much in his life he had worked hard for.

I just want to give you a hug. I almost bought a plane ticket to come over and see you, but when I called the rehab place, they said you had requested to have no visitors anymore. And that's okay. It's just me being selfish and wanting you to wrap me up in one of your squeezing hugs and remind me that we've got this - together.

I had a little boy inside me, Z, and he died. He's gone, and I had to say goodbye. Why does it hurt this much when I never wanted to be a mom in the first place? I haven't got anyone to talk to. At least, that's how it feels. You were the only one I ever really opened up to for years now. I didn't realise how significant that was until this happened and I couldn't reach for you.

No, screw it. I can't send you this. You need to just think about you right now, and I'm not going to intercept that. I'll think about it later. Now is not the time.

I love you.

Get better.

Find your peace, Batman.

Melody Winters - Original Character