orthodoxies: (Default)
Det. Grace Hollingsworth ([personal profile] orthodoxies) wrote in [community profile] muserevival2017-03-16 02:16 pm

143

"Who can explain it,
Who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons,
Wise men never try."


Today I'm packing up the last of Victor's things. The rest of his clothes, his comic books, his weight set. Putting everything he owned in labeled boxes that will sit in a storage unit for the next five to twenty years. Or whenever he gets out of prison. Five months ago we were living a life together; now we'll be lucky if we ever see each other again.



The only thing I want in the world is to understand why he did what he did. He betrayed ten years of service to the department, lied to me and everyone around him, did things he should never have done...and I still don't know why. Did something happen to him that one day changed his mind? Was it something I did wrong? Some mistake I made to make him think that our future together wasn't good enough? Why didn't he come to me for help? Why didn't I see what was happening?

All I have left now is a half-empty apartment and one side of a bed meant for two. I'm thinking about buying some new furniture. Redecorating as a way of making a fresh start that doesn't have his fingerprints all over it. This was my apartment before he moved in; I should be able to make it mine again. But it's hard not to look around and see him everywhere. See the way he organized the kitchen. The six-pack of beer he left in the fridge. The backyard we never finished. There are so many memories, and with every one I feel sad, and feel like I failed.

I met someone recently. Someone I think I could start over with. Just seeing him makes me happy and he doesn't judge me for my mistakes. He wants to be with me, and I want to be with him. But I'm also scared to completely let go and let someone else in. To admit that I'm not okay. To say that I feel like less of a cop and less of a woman. To take that step of sharing all my secrets and just hoping he'll tell me the complete truth. As much as I trust him it's impossible for me not to judge because I know now how much you can know someone and then not really know them at all. Thanks to Victor I'll always wonder if there's something that I don't know.

I would love for him to tell me why. But I'll probably never know. And I think that knowledge is the hardest part of my recovery. To know that I'll never understand how my whole life was turned upside down, and to be afraid that I'll never be able to build it back up again. I want badly to fall in love again, and find someone else who will make me forget any of this ever happened to me. I want to live the rest of my life; but it'll always be in the shadow of his.



Grace Hollingsworth / OC / 500 words

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