Logan Hayes (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dancethenightaway) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2014-03-04 03:07 pm
dancethenightaway) wrote in muserevival2014-03-04 03:07 pm
Entry tags:
Word of the Day 054.
Reminisce
v. 1. to recall past experiences, events, etc.; indulge in reminiscence.
I never met my mom, but often, I really miss her. She died in a car accident just after I was born and my poor dad was left to raise me on his own. He did the most amazing job too. He made sure I knew all about Mom and all the things that made her a beautiful person. He began telling me from a very young age that my desire to dance came from her, and how proud she would have been of me for chasing that dream. It’s probably stupid or cheesy, but some days when I’m busting my ass at a big performance, it feels like she’s sitting there in the audience with me. I’m dancing at international levels now, for a huge rockstar, and heading his troop of back-up dancers. At least, I was…
I was so angry when I first got injured. I wanted to sue anyone and everyone who could be the slightest bit liable. I wanted to be angry at Angel for hiring me (even if it was the best thing to happen in my career, besides being accepted at Juilliard) and I wanted to hurt someone as much as I was hurting. That’s not the sort of person I am. It’s not the sort of person I wanted to be. I wanted dance to be my peace, my escape, the thing that always made me feel like I was fulfilling my purpose for being born.
I went to visit her at the cemetery with Dad today. He drove me because Kyle wasn’t feeling well and I just needed to go. Things have been so crazy and uncertain lately. None of the medical professionals involved in my treatment and rehabilitation have been willing to promise me that I will dance again. This has forever been my greatest fear, and I have felt so sick inside facing it. If I’m honest, I didn’t know how to face it. I’ve been a bitch to everyone I love, taking my frustrations out on me. Lucky they love me. Lucky they love me so much to grab me when the tears of anger and frustration come before I can stop them, and just hold me, promise me over and over that even if I can’t dance again, they’ll still love me.
I feel like I’m letting Mom down. I came to talk to her today, bringing her favourite flowers of pink lilies. Maybe the reason I freaked out and threw a bit of a diva fit when the Events Coordinator at the Prince George Ballroom called and told us they screwed up our wedding date and it wasn’t free at all. Fuck, did I never not want to turn into a Bridezilla, but yesterday, I could have seriously been the worst one on that reality TV show. My emotions are way too frayed lately and my patience isn’t really anywhere near what it used to be. The therapy is helping, though. Honestly, I’ll do anything they freaking suggest I need to to help myself get back on that dancefloor…
But I wanted to be back in shape for my wedding. I wanted to really have my first dance with my husband and it to be the most amazing dance I’ve ever done. But if the only date they can give us is early April, it’s only a month to prepare… I don’t think I’m going to make it, and every time I think about it, I want to cry. Dad told me once that the thing he had been looking forward to after he married Mom was to show her that he could dance too. He had taken lessons how to waltz so he could surprise her on their wedding day with their first dance what he had done for her so it would be something she could remember forever. She never made it to her wedding… she never made it to forever.
I wanted that to be my wedding day memory of Mom. I wanted her to look down at Kyle and me from above and see that my man is just as amazing for me as Dad was for her, and that she can be proud of how Dad raised me to be a pretty decent person, married, happy, in love with the most amazing guy. And I wanted to do that with my first dance. I wanted to surprise Kyle like Dad wanted to surprise Mom and get my ass up out of this chair after all the extra physiotherapy I’ve been doing and make him remember our first dance as a forever memory. Like Beau said to me online yesterday, the venue is a memory-maker. It’s a dream come true to me, and maybe it was a sign we should get married sooner.
We wouldn’t be able to get married on the date Mom and Dad were supposed to. Maybe I was trying to shoot to high on the memory making and lost sight of what I really want here. Want I really want is to make the happy memories that Mom never got the chance to. That doesn’t mean everything has to be perfect. All it means is that I’m going to do whatever it takes to dance again. Not just for me, but for my beautiful man, Kyle, who has stuck by me through all of this, the good the bad and the very ugly. And dad because he’s sacrificed so much for me to chase my dream. But lastly - and maybe the most important of all - for my mom for giving me life and my talent… and the ability to love big and dream even bigger.
- Logan Hayes, Original Character
v. 1. to recall past experiences, events, etc.; indulge in reminiscence.
I never met my mom, but often, I really miss her. She died in a car accident just after I was born and my poor dad was left to raise me on his own. He did the most amazing job too. He made sure I knew all about Mom and all the things that made her a beautiful person. He began telling me from a very young age that my desire to dance came from her, and how proud she would have been of me for chasing that dream. It’s probably stupid or cheesy, but some days when I’m busting my ass at a big performance, it feels like she’s sitting there in the audience with me. I’m dancing at international levels now, for a huge rockstar, and heading his troop of back-up dancers. At least, I was…
I was so angry when I first got injured. I wanted to sue anyone and everyone who could be the slightest bit liable. I wanted to be angry at Angel for hiring me (even if it was the best thing to happen in my career, besides being accepted at Juilliard) and I wanted to hurt someone as much as I was hurting. That’s not the sort of person I am. It’s not the sort of person I wanted to be. I wanted dance to be my peace, my escape, the thing that always made me feel like I was fulfilling my purpose for being born.
I went to visit her at the cemetery with Dad today. He drove me because Kyle wasn’t feeling well and I just needed to go. Things have been so crazy and uncertain lately. None of the medical professionals involved in my treatment and rehabilitation have been willing to promise me that I will dance again. This has forever been my greatest fear, and I have felt so sick inside facing it. If I’m honest, I didn’t know how to face it. I’ve been a bitch to everyone I love, taking my frustrations out on me. Lucky they love me. Lucky they love me so much to grab me when the tears of anger and frustration come before I can stop them, and just hold me, promise me over and over that even if I can’t dance again, they’ll still love me.
I feel like I’m letting Mom down. I came to talk to her today, bringing her favourite flowers of pink lilies. Maybe the reason I freaked out and threw a bit of a diva fit when the Events Coordinator at the Prince George Ballroom called and told us they screwed up our wedding date and it wasn’t free at all. Fuck, did I never not want to turn into a Bridezilla, but yesterday, I could have seriously been the worst one on that reality TV show. My emotions are way too frayed lately and my patience isn’t really anywhere near what it used to be. The therapy is helping, though. Honestly, I’ll do anything they freaking suggest I need to to help myself get back on that dancefloor…
But I wanted to be back in shape for my wedding. I wanted to really have my first dance with my husband and it to be the most amazing dance I’ve ever done. But if the only date they can give us is early April, it’s only a month to prepare… I don’t think I’m going to make it, and every time I think about it, I want to cry. Dad told me once that the thing he had been looking forward to after he married Mom was to show her that he could dance too. He had taken lessons how to waltz so he could surprise her on their wedding day with their first dance what he had done for her so it would be something she could remember forever. She never made it to her wedding… she never made it to forever.
I wanted that to be my wedding day memory of Mom. I wanted her to look down at Kyle and me from above and see that my man is just as amazing for me as Dad was for her, and that she can be proud of how Dad raised me to be a pretty decent person, married, happy, in love with the most amazing guy. And I wanted to do that with my first dance. I wanted to surprise Kyle like Dad wanted to surprise Mom and get my ass up out of this chair after all the extra physiotherapy I’ve been doing and make him remember our first dance as a forever memory. Like Beau said to me online yesterday, the venue is a memory-maker. It’s a dream come true to me, and maybe it was a sign we should get married sooner.
We wouldn’t be able to get married on the date Mom and Dad were supposed to. Maybe I was trying to shoot to high on the memory making and lost sight of what I really want here. Want I really want is to make the happy memories that Mom never got the chance to. That doesn’t mean everything has to be perfect. All it means is that I’m going to do whatever it takes to dance again. Not just for me, but for my beautiful man, Kyle, who has stuck by me through all of this, the good the bad and the very ugly. And dad because he’s sacrificed so much for me to chase my dream. But lastly - and maybe the most important of all - for my mom for giving me life and my talent… and the ability to love big and dream even bigger.
- Logan Hayes, Original Character