Tyler J. Peterson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tearingloveapart) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2014-03-05 03:13 pm
tearingloveapart) wrote in muserevival2014-03-05 03:13 pm
058.2. Private blog/diary
Sick
Contains triggering references
Everyone has their own battles they’re fighting. But most days, it feels like I’m fighting a war all on my own… and against myself. I don’t know if there’s a worse feeling than knowing you’re really sick in the head. There’s the metaphorical sick where people say they’re fucked in the head either as a joke or because they’re having a bad day. But to know you really are on the ‘better’ days and that you’re hurting the people you love on the worst, I don’t even have words to put together to help people to understand that.
Most of the time I just don’t even try. I have a couple of times and just ended up in a jumble of confused thoughts where I get frustrated or angry. I have no control over it. One minute I feel fine, and the next they’re giving me those looks again. The looks that come when I must freak the fuck out of them, but barely even remember it. I sort of remember it sometimes, but probably not in the way they do. It’s more just like an emotional overload, sort of how you feel after you’ve been drunk and only have remnants left of everything you really did.
They keep telling me I’m sick, so it’s okay. It’s not really okay, though. I just want to get better. I don’t want to be terrified of myself. It’s all been explained to me, probably over and over again until parts begin to sink in. They’re not sure if I remember what happened to me, though. I never talk about it, and maybe they hope I don’t. But I do. It replays in my mind all the time like it was yesterday. I remember what he did to me, I remember what it felt like to have his hands all over me, to grab me so hard, the pain was excruciating. I remember the sound of his voice, the slight lisp, the growl in my ear the horrid smell of his breath.
I remember the pain. The pain is what I remember the most. The pain is what makes me lose my mind. But I don’t remember killing him. I remember seeing him there on the street and feeling terrified for my life, but it’s blank after that. I remember being in jail, and thinking of ways I could kill myself in there because it felt like there were monsters in my head. I sit and think a lot. I sit and watch my brothers and Nathan, just hoping like hell more will spark inside my head about them. The happy times they all talk about and tell me happened, but are gone from inside me now. I remember the entirety of my relationship with Nate. How amazing it was and then how I destroyed it all and lost him.
Mostly, I sit and watch Jeremy. I don’t know if he realises I’m doing it. He never seems to mind. If he catches me, he always gives him a small smile and then comes over to talk to me. I like when he hugs me. I feel safe when he does. But he has my face and I can barely remember him. Some things are there, like deja vu. Like I have a feeling I’ve been in that moment before, but I don’t know why. But he’s sick too. I feel it. I feel it so much that I don’t know anymore if it’s my head hurting or his. On the days he’s in the most pain and wants to just stay in bed in the dark room, I go in with him and just sit with him. When he sleeps, I try to tell him what’s going on inside him, because I’m worried I’ll scare him all over again. I know when I’ve done that. It’s like I come out of a haze and he’s giving me that look like he’s terrified of me. Seeing that look on a face identical to your own, it’s what makes me know I’m crazy the most.
I heard him crying last night and something happened inside my head. I don’t know how it happened, but it did, and I’m scared to think on it too much. He was crying in the bathroom and I was going to go and ask him if he was okay, but suddenly I remembered. It was that night, we were out on the street, and he was standing in front of him, hands wrapped so tightly around my arm that it hurt. He was sobbing and begging me to come with me, begging me to stop, but stop what? I don’t know. And then I pushed him and a car appeared out of nowhere and slammed into him, sending him flying where he finally landed in the middle of the road, unmoving. Did I nearly kill my own twin?
Now I’m sitting here next to Nathan. He has a blanket wrapped around me and he’s holding me like he’s scared to let me go. I must have had another snap of crazy. I don’t remember. Anything I remember, it doesn’t connect. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I want to be better. I want to remember what happy feels like. I want to know how it feels to smile. I don’t remember any of that.
Tyler Peterson || Original Character
Everyone has their own battles they’re fighting. But most days, it feels like I’m fighting a war all on my own… and against myself. I don’t know if there’s a worse feeling than knowing you’re really sick in the head. There’s the metaphorical sick where people say they’re fucked in the head either as a joke or because they’re having a bad day. But to know you really are on the ‘better’ days and that you’re hurting the people you love on the worst, I don’t even have words to put together to help people to understand that.
Most of the time I just don’t even try. I have a couple of times and just ended up in a jumble of confused thoughts where I get frustrated or angry. I have no control over it. One minute I feel fine, and the next they’re giving me those looks again. The looks that come when I must freak the fuck out of them, but barely even remember it. I sort of remember it sometimes, but probably not in the way they do. It’s more just like an emotional overload, sort of how you feel after you’ve been drunk and only have remnants left of everything you really did.
They keep telling me I’m sick, so it’s okay. It’s not really okay, though. I just want to get better. I don’t want to be terrified of myself. It’s all been explained to me, probably over and over again until parts begin to sink in. They’re not sure if I remember what happened to me, though. I never talk about it, and maybe they hope I don’t. But I do. It replays in my mind all the time like it was yesterday. I remember what he did to me, I remember what it felt like to have his hands all over me, to grab me so hard, the pain was excruciating. I remember the sound of his voice, the slight lisp, the growl in my ear the horrid smell of his breath.
I remember the pain. The pain is what I remember the most. The pain is what makes me lose my mind. But I don’t remember killing him. I remember seeing him there on the street and feeling terrified for my life, but it’s blank after that. I remember being in jail, and thinking of ways I could kill myself in there because it felt like there were monsters in my head. I sit and think a lot. I sit and watch my brothers and Nathan, just hoping like hell more will spark inside my head about them. The happy times they all talk about and tell me happened, but are gone from inside me now. I remember the entirety of my relationship with Nate. How amazing it was and then how I destroyed it all and lost him.
Mostly, I sit and watch Jeremy. I don’t know if he realises I’m doing it. He never seems to mind. If he catches me, he always gives him a small smile and then comes over to talk to me. I like when he hugs me. I feel safe when he does. But he has my face and I can barely remember him. Some things are there, like deja vu. Like I have a feeling I’ve been in that moment before, but I don’t know why. But he’s sick too. I feel it. I feel it so much that I don’t know anymore if it’s my head hurting or his. On the days he’s in the most pain and wants to just stay in bed in the dark room, I go in with him and just sit with him. When he sleeps, I try to tell him what’s going on inside him, because I’m worried I’ll scare him all over again. I know when I’ve done that. It’s like I come out of a haze and he’s giving me that look like he’s terrified of me. Seeing that look on a face identical to your own, it’s what makes me know I’m crazy the most.
I heard him crying last night and something happened inside my head. I don’t know how it happened, but it did, and I’m scared to think on it too much. He was crying in the bathroom and I was going to go and ask him if he was okay, but suddenly I remembered. It was that night, we were out on the street, and he was standing in front of him, hands wrapped so tightly around my arm that it hurt. He was sobbing and begging me to come with me, begging me to stop, but stop what? I don’t know. And then I pushed him and a car appeared out of nowhere and slammed into him, sending him flying where he finally landed in the middle of the road, unmoving. Did I nearly kill my own twin?
Now I’m sitting here next to Nathan. He has a blanket wrapped around me and he’s holding me like he’s scared to let me go. I must have had another snap of crazy. I don’t remember. Anything I remember, it doesn’t connect. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I want to be better. I want to remember what happy feels like. I want to know how it feels to smile. I don’t remember any of that.
Tyler Peterson || Original Character