Stiles Stilinski (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likerightnow) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2014-04-29 11:24 pm
likerightnow) wrote in muserevival2014-04-29 11:24 pm
065.2. PRIVATE DIARY/BLOG
TREATMENT
I know it's completely - and ironically - mental, but I could have sworn I saw my mom when I was in Eichen House. It was a mental health facility, and I was in there because it seemed pretty certain I was losing my mind like she had. Even if that wasn't what it turned out to be, and it would make sense my mind might be playing tricks on me in there because it was absolutely terrifying. But... you know your mom, you know? I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to anyone about it. Not Dad, not Scott, not even Isaac. I'm not crazy, I know it's impossible she was actually there, but with everything we've learned of the supernatural lately, can ghosts truly be a real thing?
Lately, she's been on my mind more than she probably has at any other time since she died. I'm dealing with a lot, I've been scared beyond belief, and I've gone and fallen in love. These are all things a mom should be here for, and I miss her. When things were going from bad to worse, all I wanted was her back for just a few minutes so she could give me a hug and tell me it was going to be okay. Dad's been amazing. God love him. How he copes with having me as a son and does it single-handedly is beyond me. Lately more than ever. Not parent should have to go through with their kid that my dad has had to go through with me. He would have been terrified for my life more often than not, and now there was this illness that came out of the blue but just isn't at all a surprising outcome.
Eichen House was every bit the frightful place one would think and old mental institution would be. That soft marshmallow part inside me wants to hope she was there to watch over me and make sure I was okay. I mean, I wasn't ultimately okay but maybe if she hadn't have been there, I would have been a whole lot worse off. Like, dead, for examples. Then when I think on it too much, I start telling myself that it's just bullshit and I'm holding onto false hope. The nogitsune was in me when I was in there, it was probably giving me visions of mom just to fuck with my mind even more. Hell, it made me make out with some chick I don't even know who, considering how long she was stuck in coyote form, would have the emotional capacity of a nine year old. I was dating Isaac, I don't know what I was thinking. Really, I wasn't thinking anything. I was being controlled. Thank goddamn hell I didn't sleep with her like she was trying to get me to. We just made out and luckily never got to the naked. But all this shit has to be evidence of why it wasn't really my mom in there, right? I was in there for psychiatric treatment, even if I wasn't technically mentally ill.
I am now, though. I'm thanking my lucky stars there's no evidence of psychosis. I just really wish my mom was here to help me with this. To help dad. I was there at the hospital with her the night she died, and even though I knew she was sick, her death completely blindsided me. I was sitting there holding her hand, staring at the wall while I waited for Dad to get there to keep me company whilst Mom was unconscious. She hadn't known who I was for ages, but just because her mind was giving up on her, that didn't mean I was going to. She was sleeping, and she seemed so peaceful. When all of a sudden, she just... stopped. Stopped breathing, stopped moving, stopped making any sounds. It was just like someone flicked a switch on her and she was gone forever.
I don't remember much after that. Dad told me later that I was completely hysterically. Luckily Melissa was at work that night, she heard me screaming. She came into the room to find me shaking mom and screaming at her to wake up. I don't remember any of that. Maybe it's true that was my first episode of this bipolar thing. Weeks after, I felt like I was in a trance and barely functioning. I was supposed to speak at her funeral, give a eulogy. I got up there and just collapsed in a ball at the base of the casket. I don't really remember any of that either. Catatonia my shrink called it the other day.
I don't know... I'm mostly just glad I don't remember much about the days and weeks in the wake of mom's death. That doesn't stop me thinking about her now I'm older and a lot of time has passed. That doesn't stop me missing her, it doesn't stop me wanting her here every day. But she's gone, and right now, I just need to be sad about that. I need to be sad about a lot of things and just hope that one day soon, things start to look up for me after everything.
Stiles Stilinski // Teen Wolf
- Inspired by this confirmation from Teen Wolf creator, Jeff Davis.
I know it's completely - and ironically - mental, but I could have sworn I saw my mom when I was in Eichen House. It was a mental health facility, and I was in there because it seemed pretty certain I was losing my mind like she had. Even if that wasn't what it turned out to be, and it would make sense my mind might be playing tricks on me in there because it was absolutely terrifying. But... you know your mom, you know? I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to anyone about it. Not Dad, not Scott, not even Isaac. I'm not crazy, I know it's impossible she was actually there, but with everything we've learned of the supernatural lately, can ghosts truly be a real thing?
Lately, she's been on my mind more than she probably has at any other time since she died. I'm dealing with a lot, I've been scared beyond belief, and I've gone and fallen in love. These are all things a mom should be here for, and I miss her. When things were going from bad to worse, all I wanted was her back for just a few minutes so she could give me a hug and tell me it was going to be okay. Dad's been amazing. God love him. How he copes with having me as a son and does it single-handedly is beyond me. Lately more than ever. Not parent should have to go through with their kid that my dad has had to go through with me. He would have been terrified for my life more often than not, and now there was this illness that came out of the blue but just isn't at all a surprising outcome.
Eichen House was every bit the frightful place one would think and old mental institution would be. That soft marshmallow part inside me wants to hope she was there to watch over me and make sure I was okay. I mean, I wasn't ultimately okay but maybe if she hadn't have been there, I would have been a whole lot worse off. Like, dead, for examples. Then when I think on it too much, I start telling myself that it's just bullshit and I'm holding onto false hope. The nogitsune was in me when I was in there, it was probably giving me visions of mom just to fuck with my mind even more. Hell, it made me make out with some chick I don't even know who, considering how long she was stuck in coyote form, would have the emotional capacity of a nine year old. I was dating Isaac, I don't know what I was thinking. Really, I wasn't thinking anything. I was being controlled. Thank goddamn hell I didn't sleep with her like she was trying to get me to. We just made out and luckily never got to the naked. But all this shit has to be evidence of why it wasn't really my mom in there, right? I was in there for psychiatric treatment, even if I wasn't technically mentally ill.
I am now, though. I'm thanking my lucky stars there's no evidence of psychosis. I just really wish my mom was here to help me with this. To help dad. I was there at the hospital with her the night she died, and even though I knew she was sick, her death completely blindsided me. I was sitting there holding her hand, staring at the wall while I waited for Dad to get there to keep me company whilst Mom was unconscious. She hadn't known who I was for ages, but just because her mind was giving up on her, that didn't mean I was going to. She was sleeping, and she seemed so peaceful. When all of a sudden, she just... stopped. Stopped breathing, stopped moving, stopped making any sounds. It was just like someone flicked a switch on her and she was gone forever.
I don't remember much after that. Dad told me later that I was completely hysterically. Luckily Melissa was at work that night, she heard me screaming. She came into the room to find me shaking mom and screaming at her to wake up. I don't remember any of that. Maybe it's true that was my first episode of this bipolar thing. Weeks after, I felt like I was in a trance and barely functioning. I was supposed to speak at her funeral, give a eulogy. I got up there and just collapsed in a ball at the base of the casket. I don't really remember any of that either. Catatonia my shrink called it the other day.
I don't know... I'm mostly just glad I don't remember much about the days and weeks in the wake of mom's death. That doesn't stop me thinking about her now I'm older and a lot of time has passed. That doesn't stop me missing her, it doesn't stop me wanting her here every day. But she's gone, and right now, I just need to be sad about that. I need to be sad about a lot of things and just hope that one day soon, things start to look up for me after everything.
Stiles Stilinski // Teen Wolf
- Inspired by this confirmation from Teen Wolf creator, Jeff Davis.