Zed Blaze (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zedblaze) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2015-12-15 01:57 pm
zedblaze) wrote in muserevival2015-12-15 01:57 pm
110.3. Journalling
Stay strong
Things aren’t good right now. I haven’t completely given up hope they will get better, though. There’s a big part of me inside that enjoys seeing other people happy when I can’t be. I can’t explain it, but it’s empowering. Why be envious of another’s happiness? People should be happy. It’s what we’re all shooting for. Many out there are so privileged, have an unlimited cash flow they like to splash around, whilst many this Christmas will have nothing. There will be kids who don’t just not get presents or food, but also won’t get love or cuddles. There will be people facing incredibly painful times of grief that their recently passed loved one won’t be there for Christmas this year. There will people without without a roof over their heads. There will be people getting harmed or killed and won’t be there to open the presents their loved ones bought them and left under the tree for them.
I don’t know why I’m in such a ruminative mindset today. Trying to, perhaps, remind myself that things could be so much worse. I’m in a lot of pain, I feel ill all the time, and tomorrow, I put my murdered estranged father in the ground. But it still could be worse. I have a family now who love me, and I love them so much it hurts. I have a relationship that seems to be as much on a track as I can cope with, even if it’s confusing. I’ll even had a Santa hat and a cheesy Christmas sweater for Christmas Day, as is the family tradition ever since I came to live in New York.
I wish I had a quick and easy fix to the stuff I’m going through. Morph into a superhero and everything miraculously disappears with powers. Pop a magic pill and eradicate disease from my veins. Stumble across a billion dollars and all my troubles disappear, and also buy myself a private jet and a billion dollar mansion just for the hell of it. Turn into Sleeping Beauty and get knocked out until all the shit goes away. Cast a magic spell that resurrects my dad who comes back not an alcoholic. If only. If fucking only…
The only power I have at my disposal is staying strong. I know I can’t always do that. Some days, strong isn’t an option. But if I can manage it a little bit here and there, it’s better than nothing. One day at a time. Tomorrow, though, is going to be one of the hardest days of my life. It is impossible to find enough words to convey how I’m feeling, so it’s easy to just say nothing. My family understands. I want to tell them everything now that I finally can, but when I think about my dad, there’s some sort of constant flood gate that opens inside me and I can’t stop friggen crying. I missed so much with him. I didn’t know so much. I’ve lost so many things with him. I couldn’t help him, and I couldn’t save him. The pain of knowing this is crippling. All I can do is write, even if it makes no sense and even if the tear blur the ink on the page.
I don’t want to lose him, which means I have to keep remembering him, no matter how much it hurts and how hard is it to face. If I stop remembering him, I lose him forever.
- ZORAN JENNINGS -
original character
Things aren’t good right now. I haven’t completely given up hope they will get better, though. There’s a big part of me inside that enjoys seeing other people happy when I can’t be. I can’t explain it, but it’s empowering. Why be envious of another’s happiness? People should be happy. It’s what we’re all shooting for. Many out there are so privileged, have an unlimited cash flow they like to splash around, whilst many this Christmas will have nothing. There will be kids who don’t just not get presents or food, but also won’t get love or cuddles. There will be people facing incredibly painful times of grief that their recently passed loved one won’t be there for Christmas this year. There will people without without a roof over their heads. There will be people getting harmed or killed and won’t be there to open the presents their loved ones bought them and left under the tree for them.
I don’t know why I’m in such a ruminative mindset today. Trying to, perhaps, remind myself that things could be so much worse. I’m in a lot of pain, I feel ill all the time, and tomorrow, I put my murdered estranged father in the ground. But it still could be worse. I have a family now who love me, and I love them so much it hurts. I have a relationship that seems to be as much on a track as I can cope with, even if it’s confusing. I’ll even had a Santa hat and a cheesy Christmas sweater for Christmas Day, as is the family tradition ever since I came to live in New York.
I wish I had a quick and easy fix to the stuff I’m going through. Morph into a superhero and everything miraculously disappears with powers. Pop a magic pill and eradicate disease from my veins. Stumble across a billion dollars and all my troubles disappear, and also buy myself a private jet and a billion dollar mansion just for the hell of it. Turn into Sleeping Beauty and get knocked out until all the shit goes away. Cast a magic spell that resurrects my dad who comes back not an alcoholic. If only. If fucking only…
The only power I have at my disposal is staying strong. I know I can’t always do that. Some days, strong isn’t an option. But if I can manage it a little bit here and there, it’s better than nothing. One day at a time. Tomorrow, though, is going to be one of the hardest days of my life. It is impossible to find enough words to convey how I’m feeling, so it’s easy to just say nothing. My family understands. I want to tell them everything now that I finally can, but when I think about my dad, there’s some sort of constant flood gate that opens inside me and I can’t stop friggen crying. I missed so much with him. I didn’t know so much. I’ve lost so many things with him. I couldn’t help him, and I couldn’t save him. The pain of knowing this is crippling. All I can do is write, even if it makes no sense and even if the tear blur the ink on the page.
I don’t want to lose him, which means I have to keep remembering him, no matter how much it hurts and how hard is it to face. If I stop remembering him, I lose him forever.
original character