Det. Grace Hollingsworth (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
orthodoxies) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2016-10-20 06:23 pm
orthodoxies) wrote in muserevival2016-10-20 06:23 pm
Entry tags:
130.1
(I got this feeling in my bones
something loving god only knows
and I can't sleep oh I won't sleep
How can I sleep when nothing is enough.)
I don't know what to do. That sentence keeps rolling around in my head like a constant reminder. My partner is off the books, the department I work for may be a lie, my relationship is strained, and two weeks ago I got shot in the stomach. And I don't know what to do.
Nothing was ever supposed to be like this. My father was a cop, and so is his brother, and so was my grandfather. We are the blue line and that blue line means something. It means doing the right thing and helping people and stopping those that would hurt them. Not lying and covering up and looking the other way while other people get hurt. This isn't at all what I signed up for and yet I can't quit because I'm afraid of what happens if I'm not there to try and stop it.
I look across my desk at Ryan and I see so much. Mostly I see pain. He's hurting now because he doesn't want to do what he's doing. He doesn't want to have to go behind our boss's back or to tell people he doesn't know what he knows. He always tells the truth, always stands up when he is needed and those two things aren't the same anymore. I want to make it easier for him and I don't have a clue what I could do or say. Which in turn just makes me feel like a bad partner.
And I don't know why Ben hasn't left me yet. He knows I'm holding back on him. Partly because Ryan hasn't told me everything but he knows. And he's still beating himself up for not being there when I was shot. I care so much about him but sometimes I catch myself thinking that it would be better for him if I wasn't around. Safer. Easier. And I shouldn't be thinking that.
Listen, none of you know me yet and so I'm sure all of this is just insane for you to hear. But I'm a cop. That's not just my career choice it's pretty much the one thing I know myself as. And I am standing here now thinking my entire career path has been a lie and the two people closest to me are either going to wind up hurt or dead. I feel like I could lose everything and I don't even know where to start.
Then I just...
I think about my grandfather. I think about everything he accomplished. He spent 30 years protecting this city whether it was in the military or on the police force. He instilled in our family that you should give as much as you receive. I ask myself what he would think about me now. If he would be ashamed by what's happening around me. Or if he'd tell me that I need to stay and take care of the people who are as close as I have to family. I can't even figure out what his answer would be.
God, I'm so lost.
Muse: Det. Grace Hollingsworth
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 514 words
something loving god only knows
and I can't sleep oh I won't sleep
How can I sleep when nothing is enough.)
I don't know what to do. That sentence keeps rolling around in my head like a constant reminder. My partner is off the books, the department I work for may be a lie, my relationship is strained, and two weeks ago I got shot in the stomach. And I don't know what to do.
Nothing was ever supposed to be like this. My father was a cop, and so is his brother, and so was my grandfather. We are the blue line and that blue line means something. It means doing the right thing and helping people and stopping those that would hurt them. Not lying and covering up and looking the other way while other people get hurt. This isn't at all what I signed up for and yet I can't quit because I'm afraid of what happens if I'm not there to try and stop it.
I look across my desk at Ryan and I see so much. Mostly I see pain. He's hurting now because he doesn't want to do what he's doing. He doesn't want to have to go behind our boss's back or to tell people he doesn't know what he knows. He always tells the truth, always stands up when he is needed and those two things aren't the same anymore. I want to make it easier for him and I don't have a clue what I could do or say. Which in turn just makes me feel like a bad partner.
And I don't know why Ben hasn't left me yet. He knows I'm holding back on him. Partly because Ryan hasn't told me everything but he knows. And he's still beating himself up for not being there when I was shot. I care so much about him but sometimes I catch myself thinking that it would be better for him if I wasn't around. Safer. Easier. And I shouldn't be thinking that.
Listen, none of you know me yet and so I'm sure all of this is just insane for you to hear. But I'm a cop. That's not just my career choice it's pretty much the one thing I know myself as. And I am standing here now thinking my entire career path has been a lie and the two people closest to me are either going to wind up hurt or dead. I feel like I could lose everything and I don't even know where to start.
Then I just...
I think about my grandfather. I think about everything he accomplished. He spent 30 years protecting this city whether it was in the military or on the police force. He instilled in our family that you should give as much as you receive. I ask myself what he would think about me now. If he would be ashamed by what's happening around me. Or if he'd tell me that I need to stay and take care of the people who are as close as I have to family. I can't even figure out what his answer would be.
God, I'm so lost.
Muse: Det. Grace Hollingsworth
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 514 words