Beau Watson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
halfwaytoheaven) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2014-01-23 04:43 pm
halfwaytoheaven) wrote in muserevival2014-01-23 04:43 pm
Entry tags:
Word of the Day 033.
Solicitude
n. 1. care or concern for someone or something.
I'm one lucky fucking bastard. I am. I actually said that to someone the other day, and they gave me the most intense WTF look. So, I've got cancer for the second time in my life, I'm bald, I'm sick, and I look like something out of a reject B-Grade horror film. I'm not having many good days right now, and time is sort of all melting in together right now with the only yardstick being chemo appointment to chemo appointment. There isn't even really much of a day or night. There is pain, a little less pain, and pain that I can maybe finally get some sleep with. I'm having one of those days where I can wonder how anyone can take their good health for granted. But at the same time realising I will never, ever take anyone I love or care about for granted. Not when they have shouldered all this for me when I haven't been strong enough to hold up myself.
Especially my husband. I'm the luckiest man in the world to have found him. I'm glad I managed to dig my head out of my "live for the moment" ass and see what was right there in front of me. Maybe I thought planning or looking too far in the future was a jinx, and that it would be like inviting cancer to come back. Now it has, but what's the point of lamenting the fact? It's something I'm never not going to be fighting. Maybe that has been the biggest lesson I've learnt of all going through this for a second time. I'm never truly going to escape it. I'm always going to be a cancer survivor or a cancer fighter. And goddamnit, I want my time left... however long that is... to be happy and full of love.
But nights like these, that positivity wanes for me. It fades out almost to a point I forget it and don't know how to hold onto it. And that's why I'm the luckiest person in the world. He has been to hell and back holding me up through this. He cleans up after me when I'm sick, he helps me take showers or even bathes me when I can't. He has been with me at every chemo appointment. He has emptied medical aids when I haven't been well enough to use the bathroom, wiped up my bleeding noses, he dresses me, he feeds me, he holds cold cloths to my head when I'm too hot to function, or wraps me up in warm blankets - and his arms - when I'm too cold. But above all else, when I'm in so much pain, I can't see the future, he just holds me and I know I don't need to see it because all that matters is that I have him.
I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. Especially not the nights like this where no part of my body seems to want to function properly. The nights where I black out and my husband has to once again face that split second of icy terror that maybe my time ran out.
If I beat this, I'm marrying him again. We're going to do it right, the way he always thought he would. A huge wedding, with all the bells and whistles so I can show everyone who matters that I have the best husband in the world, and we're going to make it to forever... together.
Beau Watson-Shaw | Original Character
n. 1. care or concern for someone or something.
I'm one lucky fucking bastard. I am. I actually said that to someone the other day, and they gave me the most intense WTF look. So, I've got cancer for the second time in my life, I'm bald, I'm sick, and I look like something out of a reject B-Grade horror film. I'm not having many good days right now, and time is sort of all melting in together right now with the only yardstick being chemo appointment to chemo appointment. There isn't even really much of a day or night. There is pain, a little less pain, and pain that I can maybe finally get some sleep with. I'm having one of those days where I can wonder how anyone can take their good health for granted. But at the same time realising I will never, ever take anyone I love or care about for granted. Not when they have shouldered all this for me when I haven't been strong enough to hold up myself.
Especially my husband. I'm the luckiest man in the world to have found him. I'm glad I managed to dig my head out of my "live for the moment" ass and see what was right there in front of me. Maybe I thought planning or looking too far in the future was a jinx, and that it would be like inviting cancer to come back. Now it has, but what's the point of lamenting the fact? It's something I'm never not going to be fighting. Maybe that has been the biggest lesson I've learnt of all going through this for a second time. I'm never truly going to escape it. I'm always going to be a cancer survivor or a cancer fighter. And goddamnit, I want my time left... however long that is... to be happy and full of love.
But nights like these, that positivity wanes for me. It fades out almost to a point I forget it and don't know how to hold onto it. And that's why I'm the luckiest person in the world. He has been to hell and back holding me up through this. He cleans up after me when I'm sick, he helps me take showers or even bathes me when I can't. He has been with me at every chemo appointment. He has emptied medical aids when I haven't been well enough to use the bathroom, wiped up my bleeding noses, he dresses me, he feeds me, he holds cold cloths to my head when I'm too hot to function, or wraps me up in warm blankets - and his arms - when I'm too cold. But above all else, when I'm in so much pain, I can't see the future, he just holds me and I know I don't need to see it because all that matters is that I have him.
I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. Especially not the nights like this where no part of my body seems to want to function properly. The nights where I black out and my husband has to once again face that split second of icy terror that maybe my time ran out.
If I beat this, I'm marrying him again. We're going to do it right, the way he always thought he would. A huge wedding, with all the bells and whistles so I can show everyone who matters that I have the best husband in the world, and we're going to make it to forever... together.