Emilio Eron Alvarez (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
arrecho) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2014-01-25 11:58 am
arrecho) wrote in muserevival2014-01-25 11:58 am
053.2. Private Blog/Diary
"I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever." - I Believe, Stevie Wonder
I was back at work today for the first part of a series of CK shoots. I would say the break was nice, but it really just ended up being crap. There was Cole's single day attempt to go cold turkey, followed by him falling off the wagon to the max. But lets be frank here, he didn't even really make it on to the wagon in the first place. Then there was that one day and night we had together which was... amazing is the only word I can come up with, but it doesn't really cut it. That one day was what made me realise that I'm here to stick it out with him, that there is a tiny spark of something incredible to Cole underneath all the substance abuse, addiction, traumatic past, and painful heartache. He has frequently asked me why I'm doing this, why I want to bother with it, and bother with him. The simple answer is that I finally saw in him why he needs someone to bother with him, because he gave up bothering with himself far too long ago.
Then, of course, came the food poisoning of death and destruction. It ruined our last couple of days together before Cole left for rehab. But in all honestly, it didn't really ruin anything, because he stayed with me and he took care of me. I think perhaps that it a part of him he forgot existed. He was hesitant and uncertain at first, I could tell that. Maybe he assumed I wouldn't want his help and comfort, but who doesn't want help and comfort from the person they care about when they feel sick?
Again, he was amazing. I haven't had much of a decent relationship in a long time, and my lovelife has a history wrought with cheating and betrayal. It was why I had my doubts about giving it another shot, and so soon after I lost my dad and was still coming to terms with that. Cole probably shouldn't have happened in my life, and sure, maybe I am crazy for taking all this on. Because I'm stressed out like hell, and every time my cell phone rings, my stomach churns up inside thinking it might be the rehab centre telling me that Cole's dead from a stroke or a heart attack or maybe all of the above because he has ruined his body too much to handle the detox. But I know he's in the best hands he can be right now. Hands who are professionals at this, and have done this stuff time and time again.
But worry and anxiety is part and parcel of having feelings for someone. And I do. Maybe I haven't verbalised it out loud yet, but I know inside I do. I don't know truly what the feelings are, and figuring it out is pretty much cockblocked at this point until Cole gets help and starts to truly clean up and figuring out what pieces of his shattered like he wants to keep to re-build, or what he wants to replace with new ones. I hope when all is said and done, I can still be a part of his life.
I'm not going to lie, this is really fucking hard. I don't think I've ever quite faced something this confusing, frustrating, and strange like this before. It's like someone looked up the list of emotions on Wikipedia and decided to dump a huge portion of them in my lap to deal with. I love sex, and really, that was all it was supposed to be with Cole that night. Until he was suddenly cutting off right in the middle of it and I thought I was some sort of epic sex fail. If I'm honest, I didn't know how to take it when he told me that the reason it happened was because he only ever had sex trashed, and he had it trashed so he could imagine his slaughtered boyfriend while he did it. Though, it came with the disclaimer that "it didn't work with you".
It took me ages to figure out how I was supposed to feel about that. I wasn't even really hurt, because casual sex, you don't get to invade the concept with feelings and emotions. It was a dick in a hole and cya later when it was done. I was angry, though. Angry because I didn't actually even realise how trashed he was, so that was more anger at myself than anything. Emotions don't belong in casual sex, because I prefer not to be used like someone's bitch for their own desires and none of my own.
It took him a long time to figure out what it meant too. Something he was probably still mulling over inside on the regular. Once we talked it out and he was 100% honest with me about the whole thing, I finally began to see the side of him that I was realising I wanted to help. That side was a really sweet guy, just broken, exhausted, damaged and self-destructing. No, I don't want to be his saviour. I can't be that. Not even close. He has to save himself. But what I can be is his support. Now I've seen more sides to him, and seen how he has let just about all his good parts get beaten to near death by the artificial parts of him created from PTSD, drugs, and alcohol.
No, I don't know how any of this is going to end. I don't even really know how it's beginning. What I do know is that Cole became very special to me very quickly, and that's not something I can ignore. I worry about him constantly, and think about him even more. When all is said and done and he (hopefully) finds himself on a better track and a new start of his life, I want to be the one who welcomes him at the arrival gate and tells him to his face just how much I care about him, and how proud I am of him for fighting that battle and winning.
Emilio Alvarez
{ original character }
I was back at work today for the first part of a series of CK shoots. I would say the break was nice, but it really just ended up being crap. There was Cole's single day attempt to go cold turkey, followed by him falling off the wagon to the max. But lets be frank here, he didn't even really make it on to the wagon in the first place. Then there was that one day and night we had together which was... amazing is the only word I can come up with, but it doesn't really cut it. That one day was what made me realise that I'm here to stick it out with him, that there is a tiny spark of something incredible to Cole underneath all the substance abuse, addiction, traumatic past, and painful heartache. He has frequently asked me why I'm doing this, why I want to bother with it, and bother with him. The simple answer is that I finally saw in him why he needs someone to bother with him, because he gave up bothering with himself far too long ago.
Then, of course, came the food poisoning of death and destruction. It ruined our last couple of days together before Cole left for rehab. But in all honestly, it didn't really ruin anything, because he stayed with me and he took care of me. I think perhaps that it a part of him he forgot existed. He was hesitant and uncertain at first, I could tell that. Maybe he assumed I wouldn't want his help and comfort, but who doesn't want help and comfort from the person they care about when they feel sick?
Again, he was amazing. I haven't had much of a decent relationship in a long time, and my lovelife has a history wrought with cheating and betrayal. It was why I had my doubts about giving it another shot, and so soon after I lost my dad and was still coming to terms with that. Cole probably shouldn't have happened in my life, and sure, maybe I am crazy for taking all this on. Because I'm stressed out like hell, and every time my cell phone rings, my stomach churns up inside thinking it might be the rehab centre telling me that Cole's dead from a stroke or a heart attack or maybe all of the above because he has ruined his body too much to handle the detox. But I know he's in the best hands he can be right now. Hands who are professionals at this, and have done this stuff time and time again.
But worry and anxiety is part and parcel of having feelings for someone. And I do. Maybe I haven't verbalised it out loud yet, but I know inside I do. I don't know truly what the feelings are, and figuring it out is pretty much cockblocked at this point until Cole gets help and starts to truly clean up and figuring out what pieces of his shattered like he wants to keep to re-build, or what he wants to replace with new ones. I hope when all is said and done, I can still be a part of his life.
I'm not going to lie, this is really fucking hard. I don't think I've ever quite faced something this confusing, frustrating, and strange like this before. It's like someone looked up the list of emotions on Wikipedia and decided to dump a huge portion of them in my lap to deal with. I love sex, and really, that was all it was supposed to be with Cole that night. Until he was suddenly cutting off right in the middle of it and I thought I was some sort of epic sex fail. If I'm honest, I didn't know how to take it when he told me that the reason it happened was because he only ever had sex trashed, and he had it trashed so he could imagine his slaughtered boyfriend while he did it. Though, it came with the disclaimer that "it didn't work with you".
It took me ages to figure out how I was supposed to feel about that. I wasn't even really hurt, because casual sex, you don't get to invade the concept with feelings and emotions. It was a dick in a hole and cya later when it was done. I was angry, though. Angry because I didn't actually even realise how trashed he was, so that was more anger at myself than anything. Emotions don't belong in casual sex, because I prefer not to be used like someone's bitch for their own desires and none of my own.
It took him a long time to figure out what it meant too. Something he was probably still mulling over inside on the regular. Once we talked it out and he was 100% honest with me about the whole thing, I finally began to see the side of him that I was realising I wanted to help. That side was a really sweet guy, just broken, exhausted, damaged and self-destructing. No, I don't want to be his saviour. I can't be that. Not even close. He has to save himself. But what I can be is his support. Now I've seen more sides to him, and seen how he has let just about all his good parts get beaten to near death by the artificial parts of him created from PTSD, drugs, and alcohol.
No, I don't know how any of this is going to end. I don't even really know how it's beginning. What I do know is that Cole became very special to me very quickly, and that's not something I can ignore. I worry about him constantly, and think about him even more. When all is said and done and he (hopefully) finds himself on a better track and a new start of his life, I want to be the one who welcomes him at the arrival gate and tells him to his face just how much I care about him, and how proud I am of him for fighting that battle and winning.
{ original character }