Noah Jett Fitzaptrick (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
maybethatsalie) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2014-01-25 07:26 pm
maybethatsalie) wrote in muserevival2014-01-25 07:26 pm
Entry tags:
053.5. Misc/random
“A book is a gift you can open again and again.” - Garrison Keillor
I still appreciate having this notebook, but I haven't been able to write much in it. Maybe a few sentences at a time when my head isn't so sore it feels like nothing works. This might take me days to write, which is okay. I think I must be a medical team's wet dream. My head is constantly aching right now, somewhere in the realms of migraine territory, but it just makes it hurt even more when I realise I was so fucked up on drugs I didn't realise (or care) that I was seriously sick. Like, not a bad flu, or a stomach bug, or even mono. They seem to keep throwing diagnoses at me, and I don't understand everything yet. Hopefully when I start to feel better, Euan can really map everything out so I know where I stand. For now, he's got complete control on my medical decisions. I signed it all over to him when I thought there was a chance I had killed any decent parts of my brain with the ice. Him and Julie are both handling that side of my shit, and Julian is still making sure all the financial stuff is paid for. Not personally, of course. He's too important and probably really busy to worry about my shit. But he'll have people doing it for him.
It's funny how different people and things can make you see your own shit in a different way. Julian's a huge example of that. He's a real rich guy. Like a billionaire, I was told. He owns part of a huge company all around the world with offices everywhere, and it's a company he will own entirely one day. A real family heritage. He had it all. Money, fast cars, amazing properties all over the world, the best clothes, and real smart on top of all that too. But none of that saved him being beaten almost to death by a gang of gay bashers. None of it stopped him being beaten so bad it damaged his kidneys and his best friend had to give him one so he would survive. And in all that, he met someone he fell in love with and they're going to get married. I wonder a lot if Dillon and me might be like that some day. But I don't really know. I've never been in love, I don't understand it. I just know those who have it speak very highly of it.
But today, the best thing that happened to me since I got in here. Euan promised me he would get me some books to read, and it wasn't just some. Julie came by with five bags full of books for me. All my favourites and some of Ciaran's favourites, because I think he's excited to have a book buddy who gets it. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was excited about that too. I love books. Reading's my favourite thing to do. But even then, Julie said she knew I couldn't read too much right now with the stuff going on with my brain making me sick, so she got DVDs of as many of the books that she could. She knows the books are better, but the DVDs might help until I can read more without feeling like I'm going to be sick.
Dillon went away to rehab in Connecticut today. I'm glad he went through the medical detox here before he went, because it might be that little bit easier for him to face. He came and said goodbye, and he kissed me. I gotta say, even if I was sort of a bit hazy in the head, it felt real good. When we're both better, I want to do more of that. I miss him already. It might be a couple of weeks before we can be in contact again, and that's probably just going to be letters or something. I'm too sick to go up and visit him. I can't delude myself anymore, I'm really fucking sick and I need to stay here until I get better.
But I'm alive. And alive is good. Today isn't the best of days. I was feeling real down being in here and just not really understanding what's happening to me. So Euan came by, and we watched To Kill a Mockingbird together. He'd never seen it before and he liked it! Tomorrow, he might bring Ciaran by so we can all watch Harry Potter together.
It feels like I have a family again. I know they're not my family, but they're their family, and they're sharing the sweet bits of them with me. And I have a boyfriend, my first, who gave me my first real kiss even when I was lying in a hospital bed feeling like death and looking like it too. I'm old enough and stupid enough now to shoulder my own stupid choices and the bad shit I've gotten because of it. I'm going to get better, no matter how hard it is... and I'm never touching drugs again.
Noah Cameron :: Original Character
I still appreciate having this notebook, but I haven't been able to write much in it. Maybe a few sentences at a time when my head isn't so sore it feels like nothing works. This might take me days to write, which is okay. I think I must be a medical team's wet dream. My head is constantly aching right now, somewhere in the realms of migraine territory, but it just makes it hurt even more when I realise I was so fucked up on drugs I didn't realise (or care) that I was seriously sick. Like, not a bad flu, or a stomach bug, or even mono. They seem to keep throwing diagnoses at me, and I don't understand everything yet. Hopefully when I start to feel better, Euan can really map everything out so I know where I stand. For now, he's got complete control on my medical decisions. I signed it all over to him when I thought there was a chance I had killed any decent parts of my brain with the ice. Him and Julie are both handling that side of my shit, and Julian is still making sure all the financial stuff is paid for. Not personally, of course. He's too important and probably really busy to worry about my shit. But he'll have people doing it for him.
It's funny how different people and things can make you see your own shit in a different way. Julian's a huge example of that. He's a real rich guy. Like a billionaire, I was told. He owns part of a huge company all around the world with offices everywhere, and it's a company he will own entirely one day. A real family heritage. He had it all. Money, fast cars, amazing properties all over the world, the best clothes, and real smart on top of all that too. But none of that saved him being beaten almost to death by a gang of gay bashers. None of it stopped him being beaten so bad it damaged his kidneys and his best friend had to give him one so he would survive. And in all that, he met someone he fell in love with and they're going to get married. I wonder a lot if Dillon and me might be like that some day. But I don't really know. I've never been in love, I don't understand it. I just know those who have it speak very highly of it.
But today, the best thing that happened to me since I got in here. Euan promised me he would get me some books to read, and it wasn't just some. Julie came by with five bags full of books for me. All my favourites and some of Ciaran's favourites, because I think he's excited to have a book buddy who gets it. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was excited about that too. I love books. Reading's my favourite thing to do. But even then, Julie said she knew I couldn't read too much right now with the stuff going on with my brain making me sick, so she got DVDs of as many of the books that she could. She knows the books are better, but the DVDs might help until I can read more without feeling like I'm going to be sick.
Dillon went away to rehab in Connecticut today. I'm glad he went through the medical detox here before he went, because it might be that little bit easier for him to face. He came and said goodbye, and he kissed me. I gotta say, even if I was sort of a bit hazy in the head, it felt real good. When we're both better, I want to do more of that. I miss him already. It might be a couple of weeks before we can be in contact again, and that's probably just going to be letters or something. I'm too sick to go up and visit him. I can't delude myself anymore, I'm really fucking sick and I need to stay here until I get better.
But I'm alive. And alive is good. Today isn't the best of days. I was feeling real down being in here and just not really understanding what's happening to me. So Euan came by, and we watched To Kill a Mockingbird together. He'd never seen it before and he liked it! Tomorrow, he might bring Ciaran by so we can all watch Harry Potter together.
It feels like I have a family again. I know they're not my family, but they're their family, and they're sharing the sweet bits of them with me. And I have a boyfriend, my first, who gave me my first real kiss even when I was lying in a hospital bed feeling like death and looking like it too. I'm old enough and stupid enough now to shoulder my own stupid choices and the bad shit I've gotten because of it. I'm going to get better, no matter how hard it is... and I'm never touching drugs again.
Noah Cameron :: Original Character