burninginside: (089)
Cole Carrington ([personal profile] burninginside) wrote in [community profile] muserevival2014-02-05 02:42 pm

Quote of the Day 042.

“Time decides who you meet in life, your heart decides who you want in you life and your behavior decides who stays in your life.”
- Unknown


I learned today why people in as messed up a place as I got are best not having access to their friends and loved ones back home during a rehabilitation. I am somewhat ashamed to admit I never paused to think about it in this light either. It is because they become what is termed an 'accidental counsellor' to you. Because they're close to you, it is easier for you to offload to them, to blame them, even, to expect of them to be there for you when you are supposed to be relying on your team of professionals in this facility to get the proper help you need. A war can't be won by one person, it takes an army. And how can you win if you're too busy fighting your allies? The people I love are my allies, and the enemy is the drugs and booze. The counsellors, they're the strategists. The one's who give you and your loved ones the battle plan. This analogy was the first one that made sense to me in a very long time.

To lay it on your loved ones when they aren't equipped to deal or even understand what you're going through, it's unfair. The war isn't their fault, they're just innocent casualties of your own bad battle plan. I still find myself looking for places to lay blame on why I am forced to go through all this... until I remember I'm not forced at all. I'm here because I need to be. I don't necessarily want to be, and I definitely don't enjoy it, but I am here for these people to save me. The people I love, they can't save me. Most days, they couldn't even talk to me without a building frustration that I was continually harming myself.

Today was actually the best day I have had here so far. I didn't get any success out of the meditation and it was just pissing me off that it wasn't working how the mantra was saying it was supposed to. I don't have inner peace. The meditation coordinator told me that inner peace was something I might not begin to find for a long time yet. Being given that confirmation helped me feel less like a failure and more like 'Okay, not now, but maybe later'. Now later doesn't seem like something I dread coming. Now later is something I'm actually counting on deep down inside.

Now, I can protect my allies, rather than dragging them down to drown with me. I have a lot of apologies to make. And it's in that where I found something that worked way better than meditation. It was taking the time to pen apologies to everyone I have hurt and burdened. It is part of the 12 Step Program, granted, but I'm not doing that because a program tells me I'm supposed to. I'm doing it because I want and need to apologise. I'm doing it because I want them to know that when I get out of here - whether it's in a few weeks or another couple of months - I want to go forward on a new start. I want a do-over.

I'm selling the club. That has been my excuse to keep using and boozing for too long. It's been my bunker in the war, my comfort and safety zone, but one that has kept me stuck in the battle rather than running for safety. I don't know what I'll do yet. I've got enough time in here to figure it out or at least pitch some ideas to myself. Life's too short and I nearly threw mine away. Enough is enough. I'm not hurting myself anymore, and in turn, hopefully I can save the people I love from their own lives being wasted having to pick up the broken and battered pieces of the damage I've done to myself.

Cole Carrington
( original character )

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