Jax Emanuel Alvarez (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chicomalo) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2014-02-18 10:12 am
chicomalo) wrote in muserevival2014-02-18 10:12 am
Entry tags:
Quote of the Day 048.
Turmoil
n. 1. a state of great commotion, confusion, or disturbance; tumult; agitation; disquiet
Hospitals made Jax nervous and agitated. He had spent a long time in one in the wake of his bar brawl stabbing, and the smell and the sounds seemed to trigger all those feelings inside him again. But no matter much he didn’t want to be here, nothing in the world would have gotten him to leave right now. His hands were still shaking from the shock and he had hardly been able to eat these past couple of days. He couldn’t even stomach coffee or Red Bull, and usually they were both staples for him.
At first, he had just walked into the room with his head down, looking at his feet and then at his hands once he had sat down. He hadn’t thought he would be able to look. He didn’t want to see Emilio all broken and battered. Both his mom and his big sister told him he didn’t have to go in to see Emilio if he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to, but he was going to. Because Emilio was his big brother, and even though they hadn’t known him for years of their life, that didn’t make him any less their brother.
Which is exactly why Jax was struggling with an inner turmoil right now. There was a very scared and child-like part of him inside that wanted to run to his mom or big sister and get them to protect him from whatever it was he was feeling. It was hard to put his finger on what it was, because it was a pile of different things he had never felt before. He had survived through his biological father being an asshole and abandoning them. He had survived through his big sister fighting a bad drug problem. He had survived through being stabbed and nearly murdered. But this… there weren’t enough words to describe how this felt.
He lost track of how long he sat there looking at his hands. Emilio was right there in the bed in front of him, but he still had trouble looking up. Soon, he just reached over and put his hand over Emilio’s resting on the bed. It felt cool, like they weren’t keeping him warm enough. Jax didn’t know what it was about feeling that his brother’s hand was cold that sparked him to start bawling, but it did. Jax usually wasn’t someone to cry. He had always shoved that all down away to put up the badass front he carried with him all the time. Perhaps it was a protective mechanism, but it more boiled down to the fact he had been the only male in the family for years, and he felt like it was his job to stay strong for his mom and sister. Even the whole time he was recuperating from being stabbed, he never once cried.
He had cried when Destina ended up in rehab after her addiction nearly killed her. He had just done it alone, away from everyone, and that was another time wasn’t sure he would ever be able to stop the pain. It was the same feeling now, only so much more crushing inside that it felt like his chest was caught in a vice. Emilio couldn’t die. They hadn’t had enough time to get to know him, show them how much they loved him. Maybe they had wasted the time they did have. They had been too wrapped up in their own shit, not enough quality time with their big brother they might lose now.
And still, Jax couldn’t look at Emilio. Instead, he just sat there, holding his hand so gently like it might break from any stronger touch, and he cried. He cried so hard, his big sister had come rushing in to sit with him and just hold him, and for the first time in his life, Jax didn’t care who saw him cry.
Jax Alvarez // Original Character
n. 1. a state of great commotion, confusion, or disturbance; tumult; agitation; disquiet
Hospitals made Jax nervous and agitated. He had spent a long time in one in the wake of his bar brawl stabbing, and the smell and the sounds seemed to trigger all those feelings inside him again. But no matter much he didn’t want to be here, nothing in the world would have gotten him to leave right now. His hands were still shaking from the shock and he had hardly been able to eat these past couple of days. He couldn’t even stomach coffee or Red Bull, and usually they were both staples for him.
At first, he had just walked into the room with his head down, looking at his feet and then at his hands once he had sat down. He hadn’t thought he would be able to look. He didn’t want to see Emilio all broken and battered. Both his mom and his big sister told him he didn’t have to go in to see Emilio if he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to, but he was going to. Because Emilio was his big brother, and even though they hadn’t known him for years of their life, that didn’t make him any less their brother.
Which is exactly why Jax was struggling with an inner turmoil right now. There was a very scared and child-like part of him inside that wanted to run to his mom or big sister and get them to protect him from whatever it was he was feeling. It was hard to put his finger on what it was, because it was a pile of different things he had never felt before. He had survived through his biological father being an asshole and abandoning them. He had survived through his big sister fighting a bad drug problem. He had survived through being stabbed and nearly murdered. But this… there weren’t enough words to describe how this felt.
He lost track of how long he sat there looking at his hands. Emilio was right there in the bed in front of him, but he still had trouble looking up. Soon, he just reached over and put his hand over Emilio’s resting on the bed. It felt cool, like they weren’t keeping him warm enough. Jax didn’t know what it was about feeling that his brother’s hand was cold that sparked him to start bawling, but it did. Jax usually wasn’t someone to cry. He had always shoved that all down away to put up the badass front he carried with him all the time. Perhaps it was a protective mechanism, but it more boiled down to the fact he had been the only male in the family for years, and he felt like it was his job to stay strong for his mom and sister. Even the whole time he was recuperating from being stabbed, he never once cried.
He had cried when Destina ended up in rehab after her addiction nearly killed her. He had just done it alone, away from everyone, and that was another time wasn’t sure he would ever be able to stop the pain. It was the same feeling now, only so much more crushing inside that it felt like his chest was caught in a vice. Emilio couldn’t die. They hadn’t had enough time to get to know him, show them how much they loved him. Maybe they had wasted the time they did have. They had been too wrapped up in their own shit, not enough quality time with their big brother they might lose now.
And still, Jax couldn’t look at Emilio. Instead, he just sat there, holding his hand so gently like it might break from any stronger touch, and he cried. He cried so hard, his big sister had come rushing in to sit with him and just hold him, and for the first time in his life, Jax didn’t care who saw him cry.
Jax Alvarez // Original Character