Lewis Brant Sheldon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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muserevival2016-10-28 10:10 pm
letyourcolorsburst) wrote in muserevival2016-10-28 10:10 pm
Entry tags:
131.1. Lyrics
"Bad news like a sucker punch blew me away
People fill the streets like nothing has changed
Clock hands tick along, they don't look the same
Planes fly overhead like any old day."
• Bad News, Bastille
These days, Lewis was comfortable enough with himself that he tended not to have anxiety in his decisions. Que sera sera and Carpe diem were two concepts in life he lived by. But he found himself nervy as he sat here in the doctor's waiting room, listening for his name to be called. He wasn't devoid of anxiety. Quite the opposite. He had been diagnosed with post-traumatic, high-functioning anxiety in the wake of being kidnapped and chained up in a basement for days on end. They had fully intended to kill him if Lorenzo didn't cough up on his dead ex's lingering drug debt. But that was a story for another day, and he had medication to help that anyway. He was definitely pro-remedy. If there was a solution, why not grab it with both hands? Lewis didn't dwell. Things he couldn't control, he set aside and didn't let it impact on his life that he still had to keep living. A life that was effectively a second chance.
He heard his name, knocking him out of his reverie. Walker was a family friend, thankfully. Lewis wasn't sure he would have taken this step without a familiar face to help him with it. Once seated in front of Walker's desk, eyes sweeping over all the medical shit there, he finally met Walker's gaze. "So, what's the outcome, doc?" he asked, drawing in a deep breath around the anticipation.
Walker gave him a reluctant shake of his head. Lewis clocked the apologetic smile too. "I'm sorry, Lewis. There was no sperm count at all. It's a condition we call Azoospermia. Without access to your past medical records, I can't investigate any causes. Is there a reason why you thought you might be infertile? We can do some investigations, run some blood tests. IN some cases, it can be reversible..."
Lewis just sat there. He foiled himself at his own game. He had gotten his deluded hopes up. He realised this as soon as those words were out of Walker's mouth. All he had at his disposal now was staring blankly at the file open in front of the doctor.
"I don't want to push you if your records are closed," Walker told him gently.
Lewis blinked and then shook his head, looking back up at Walker. "No, they're not closed. There's just nothing in them here to help you. The hospital records at Sinai are only from after I was kidnapped. Everything you'd need are in London. It was chemo."
"You had cancer? How long ago?"
"I was nineteen," Lewis replied, watching Walker make notes with his fountain pen. It was weird for him to note here that all the best doctors seemed to write with a fountain pen. For some odd reason, that was comforting.
"The type and stage?"
Lewis exhaled, deflating. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Breast cancer, Stage Three. The chemo went for two years. I was still developing. They said this would happen."
"They didn't discuss sperm banking with him?" Walker asked him quietly.
"They did, but I was nineteen, doc, and staring down the barrel of death. I was in a strange place, my family were whackjob Christians that I wanted nothing to do with. I was a dumb kid who wanted to bury my head in the sand then even admit to the fact I had breast cancer. I fucked up a hell of a lot back then, but I just never thought about the future because I didn't think I'd have one," Lewis confessed. He felt tired and drained, despite the fact he was perfectly healthy.
Walker nodded in understanding. "That was why you wanted the testing. You were hoping to have another baby with Lorenzo. Did they tell you there might be a chance you could still conceive? Some of the chemo drugs these days aren't as dangerous to fertility."
"They told me it would be highly unlikely. It was all above board. That was that part of my life, and this was this part. Recently, it just all converged, and since that happened, I've had this little niggle of what-if in my head, you know? I hoped there might've been at least a chance. We didn't even have any plans. Lorenzo would like another child, though. But me? I never let myself think on it because it was out of my control. Then I had to tell everyone, so it all came to light, and suddenly it was a thing," Lewis explained. At least Walker already knew him, and knew he didn't really do life the same way mainstream did.
"You hadn't told him?"
"I hadn't told anyone," Lewis confirmed and held up his hand. "I had my reasons, trust me. Namely, I want to live my life as Lewis, not as Cancer Survivor. I don't want folk with the best intentions in their hearts running up to me slapping pink ribbons on me and baking pink cupcakes thinking they're helping a good cause. That's not me. That's someone else's way of acceptance."
"I can write you a referral to chat to a counsellor if you would like, Lewis," Walker offered.
Lewis gave him a small smile and shook his head. "No, I know what I need to do now."
"Talk to your husband?" Walker guessed.
Lewis nodded and rose from his chair. "He's can help me more than any counsellor could."
Lewis Sheldon ~ Original Character
People fill the streets like nothing has changed
Clock hands tick along, they don't look the same
Planes fly overhead like any old day."
• Bad News, Bastille
These days, Lewis was comfortable enough with himself that he tended not to have anxiety in his decisions. Que sera sera and Carpe diem were two concepts in life he lived by. But he found himself nervy as he sat here in the doctor's waiting room, listening for his name to be called. He wasn't devoid of anxiety. Quite the opposite. He had been diagnosed with post-traumatic, high-functioning anxiety in the wake of being kidnapped and chained up in a basement for days on end. They had fully intended to kill him if Lorenzo didn't cough up on his dead ex's lingering drug debt. But that was a story for another day, and he had medication to help that anyway. He was definitely pro-remedy. If there was a solution, why not grab it with both hands? Lewis didn't dwell. Things he couldn't control, he set aside and didn't let it impact on his life that he still had to keep living. A life that was effectively a second chance.
He heard his name, knocking him out of his reverie. Walker was a family friend, thankfully. Lewis wasn't sure he would have taken this step without a familiar face to help him with it. Once seated in front of Walker's desk, eyes sweeping over all the medical shit there, he finally met Walker's gaze. "So, what's the outcome, doc?" he asked, drawing in a deep breath around the anticipation.
Walker gave him a reluctant shake of his head. Lewis clocked the apologetic smile too. "I'm sorry, Lewis. There was no sperm count at all. It's a condition we call Azoospermia. Without access to your past medical records, I can't investigate any causes. Is there a reason why you thought you might be infertile? We can do some investigations, run some blood tests. IN some cases, it can be reversible..."
Lewis just sat there. He foiled himself at his own game. He had gotten his deluded hopes up. He realised this as soon as those words were out of Walker's mouth. All he had at his disposal now was staring blankly at the file open in front of the doctor.
"I don't want to push you if your records are closed," Walker told him gently.
Lewis blinked and then shook his head, looking back up at Walker. "No, they're not closed. There's just nothing in them here to help you. The hospital records at Sinai are only from after I was kidnapped. Everything you'd need are in London. It was chemo."
"You had cancer? How long ago?"
"I was nineteen," Lewis replied, watching Walker make notes with his fountain pen. It was weird for him to note here that all the best doctors seemed to write with a fountain pen. For some odd reason, that was comforting.
"The type and stage?"
Lewis exhaled, deflating. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Breast cancer, Stage Three. The chemo went for two years. I was still developing. They said this would happen."
"They didn't discuss sperm banking with him?" Walker asked him quietly.
"They did, but I was nineteen, doc, and staring down the barrel of death. I was in a strange place, my family were whackjob Christians that I wanted nothing to do with. I was a dumb kid who wanted to bury my head in the sand then even admit to the fact I had breast cancer. I fucked up a hell of a lot back then, but I just never thought about the future because I didn't think I'd have one," Lewis confessed. He felt tired and drained, despite the fact he was perfectly healthy.
Walker nodded in understanding. "That was why you wanted the testing. You were hoping to have another baby with Lorenzo. Did they tell you there might be a chance you could still conceive? Some of the chemo drugs these days aren't as dangerous to fertility."
"They told me it would be highly unlikely. It was all above board. That was that part of my life, and this was this part. Recently, it just all converged, and since that happened, I've had this little niggle of what-if in my head, you know? I hoped there might've been at least a chance. We didn't even have any plans. Lorenzo would like another child, though. But me? I never let myself think on it because it was out of my control. Then I had to tell everyone, so it all came to light, and suddenly it was a thing," Lewis explained. At least Walker already knew him, and knew he didn't really do life the same way mainstream did.
"You hadn't told him?"
"I hadn't told anyone," Lewis confirmed and held up his hand. "I had my reasons, trust me. Namely, I want to live my life as Lewis, not as Cancer Survivor. I don't want folk with the best intentions in their hearts running up to me slapping pink ribbons on me and baking pink cupcakes thinking they're helping a good cause. That's not me. That's someone else's way of acceptance."
"I can write you a referral to chat to a counsellor if you would like, Lewis," Walker offered.
Lewis gave him a small smile and shook his head. "No, I know what I need to do now."
"Talk to your husband?" Walker guessed.
Lewis nodded and rose from his chair. "He's can help me more than any counsellor could."