Liam Kristopher Morgan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wannabesurgeon) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2014-03-13 04:23 pm
wannabesurgeon) wrote in muserevival2014-03-13 04:23 pm
059.2. Blog/Diary
Unexpected
I never expected to fall in love. Honestly, I didn’t want to. because love should mean making love and that was what I thought I never wanted again. I wasn’t even sure I would be able to handle having people close to me again. It was a battle even just to led my family - the people I loved all along - hug me. I thought I was broken beyond repair.
But then somehow, kismet intervened. Kismet wasn’t even something I fucking believed in either. I’m not even going to lie. After everything that happened, I didn’t believe in much of anything. Not in love, not in goodwill, not in myself. I thought all the good feelings I was capable of had been sucked out of me. I felt bled dry, and I didn’t feel like I could go on. But I could go on. I didn’t feel like I could, but I just did. I wouldn’t have made it without my family, though. Like, literally wouldn’t have made it. I had no intentions of making it.
Depression can be a tough thing, though. It can be something you don’t even realise is happening to you. None of this has been easy. I went a long time just being somewhat of an empty shell, just working because it kept me distracted, but not content, not happy. Never happy. Then I met someone who changed my life. I know it’s taken months now for me to really start to respond to him in a way that progresses things for us, but he’s been so patient and understanding. He never pushed me, never judged me, and he never made me feel scared of threatened.
So, maybe there was that one time early on where I panicked and got stuck in a flashback that had me thumping him in the face. I still feel guilty about that. I never intended to hurt him. I know I am always going to have that burden of carrying the terrible memories of being raped around forever. I’ll never forget. Sometimes, things will just take me right back there to. Some nights, I’ll have the awful nightmares where I wake up in a sweat or so terrified I end up panicking, and then puking because it’s an emotional overload.
That’s happened a few times when I’ve stayed with Damien now. I’d hoped it wouldn’t happen, but it did. That’s a lot of baggage to lay in someone’s lap, but fuck was he amazing. I’m freaking the fuck out and he’s just staying calm and helping me, knowing to keep a small distance. Those worst times, it’s hard for me to be close to people. Fuck, do I hope I can honestly get beyond those inner fears holding me back one day. At first, I couldn’t even handle being without layers around anyone. Lucky I had fashion to hide behind. Couture can hide a lot of scars…
Gradually, with Damien, I got a little better. Emphasis on gradually. It felt like forever before I could even handle having my shirt off around him, and even longer before I felt like sharing a bed. I did get through it, though. Fuck, I’m nowhere near fully healed or the damage repaired, but I’m getting better. Damien and me haven’t had sex. Some days, I find myself wondering why he even wants to put up with all this waiting for something I haven’t even been able to promise would be a foregone conclusion. It never was. But he knew that. And he stayed.
I never expected any of this. I never expected to find the most amazing guy who loved me, inner and outer scars, broken but healing, damaged but not entirely irreparable. Maybe the fact I never expected it was what makes him so special. That he knew I had walls up around myself and he respected though, but he was willing to wait on the other side of them until I was ready to let him scale them. He never tried to knock them down. He knows they might always be there.
I never needed someone to save me from myself, I just needed someone to understand that to be able to be near me, they needed to first be afar from me.
Liam Morgan || Original Character
I never expected to fall in love. Honestly, I didn’t want to. because love should mean making love and that was what I thought I never wanted again. I wasn’t even sure I would be able to handle having people close to me again. It was a battle even just to led my family - the people I loved all along - hug me. I thought I was broken beyond repair.
But then somehow, kismet intervened. Kismet wasn’t even something I fucking believed in either. I’m not even going to lie. After everything that happened, I didn’t believe in much of anything. Not in love, not in goodwill, not in myself. I thought all the good feelings I was capable of had been sucked out of me. I felt bled dry, and I didn’t feel like I could go on. But I could go on. I didn’t feel like I could, but I just did. I wouldn’t have made it without my family, though. Like, literally wouldn’t have made it. I had no intentions of making it.
Depression can be a tough thing, though. It can be something you don’t even realise is happening to you. None of this has been easy. I went a long time just being somewhat of an empty shell, just working because it kept me distracted, but not content, not happy. Never happy. Then I met someone who changed my life. I know it’s taken months now for me to really start to respond to him in a way that progresses things for us, but he’s been so patient and understanding. He never pushed me, never judged me, and he never made me feel scared of threatened.
So, maybe there was that one time early on where I panicked and got stuck in a flashback that had me thumping him in the face. I still feel guilty about that. I never intended to hurt him. I know I am always going to have that burden of carrying the terrible memories of being raped around forever. I’ll never forget. Sometimes, things will just take me right back there to. Some nights, I’ll have the awful nightmares where I wake up in a sweat or so terrified I end up panicking, and then puking because it’s an emotional overload.
That’s happened a few times when I’ve stayed with Damien now. I’d hoped it wouldn’t happen, but it did. That’s a lot of baggage to lay in someone’s lap, but fuck was he amazing. I’m freaking the fuck out and he’s just staying calm and helping me, knowing to keep a small distance. Those worst times, it’s hard for me to be close to people. Fuck, do I hope I can honestly get beyond those inner fears holding me back one day. At first, I couldn’t even handle being without layers around anyone. Lucky I had fashion to hide behind. Couture can hide a lot of scars…
Gradually, with Damien, I got a little better. Emphasis on gradually. It felt like forever before I could even handle having my shirt off around him, and even longer before I felt like sharing a bed. I did get through it, though. Fuck, I’m nowhere near fully healed or the damage repaired, but I’m getting better. Damien and me haven’t had sex. Some days, I find myself wondering why he even wants to put up with all this waiting for something I haven’t even been able to promise would be a foregone conclusion. It never was. But he knew that. And he stayed.
I never expected any of this. I never expected to find the most amazing guy who loved me, inner and outer scars, broken but healing, damaged but not entirely irreparable. Maybe the fact I never expected it was what makes him so special. That he knew I had walls up around myself and he respected though, but he was willing to wait on the other side of them until I was ready to let him scale them. He never tried to knock them down. He knows they might always be there.
I never needed someone to save me from myself, I just needed someone to understand that to be able to be near me, they needed to first be afar from me.
Liam Morgan || Original Character