Aaron Noah Watson, RN (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bigbrothermojo) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2014-06-24 10:48 pm
bigbrothermojo) wrote in muserevival2014-06-24 10:48 pm
Entry tags:
Word of the Day 086.
Heartsick
adj. 1. extremely depressed or unhappy.
It had taken a lot of Aaron's inner restraint not to come here before now. Despite most just accepting what had gone down and trying to take on board what they were facing, Aaron had been one really struggling with it. In fact, he had been furious when the court order had come through the dissolve Beau's legal wish on his medical record to not be resuscitated and not have any artificial sustaining of life. He had been so angry, that his brother had to actually physically hold him back in the hospital corridor to stop him storming into the ICU and verbally ripping shreds of Austin for not honouring Beau's wishes. Austin hadn't been there through Beau's first battle with leukemia. He didn't know what it was like to go through it a second time, and watch Beau suffer like this all over again.
The only thing Aaron had been able to do was leave the hospital until he could manage to cool down. For Beau's sake, he had to keep from losing his shit at Austin. It was just tearing him up so much inside to know that all Beau had wanted was to die as peacefully as he could, despite being in horrendous pain and having very little dignity left. Aaron had watched his little brother fight for his life in the ICU once before, and he never wanted to be facing it again. Beau had just been a child before, and his parents had made all the choices for him, though they had always kept Aaron and Brad in on their choices, made sure they understood why. Ultimately, it was Aaron and Brad who had saved Beau's life with bone marrow transplants. Something they had been poised to do again and had just been waiting on Beau to be given the all clear to proceed.
Then it all took this horrible turn. An infection in Beau's heart, caused by the chemo. This was one of those things you were never not aware could happen, but you always hold so tightly onto hope that it wouldn't that you ended up blindsiding yourself completely if it did. Beau's chances were so slim in the grander scheme of things. He had actually stopped breathing, his heart had stopped beating. He had died and he should have just passed peacefully in his own bed, with his husband there holding him. It was what he wanted. He didn't want to die in a hospital. He hadn't even wanted that the first time when he was a kid.
It came to be Aaron's turn to sit at Beau's bedside so he wasn't alone for any of this. They were all taking turns. Not just his family, but closest friends. The people he would choose to have around him at a time like this. As angry as Aaron was, and as much as he was trying to work through his feelings inside, he agreed to come if Austin wasn't there because he didn't trust himself with what he would say if he faced Beau's husband. He felt sick, and it wasn't abating. He switched with his dad, who had just stepped out into the corridor and embraced him so tightly, and for a long time. So long that Aaron's resolve crumbled and he ended up sobbing softly into his dad's shoulder while he clung to him.
Aaron was a flight medic. He saw people in horrific medical conditions every single day. Nothing that would remotely come close to how it felt to seeing your little brother like this. He went right over to Beau's side, and he was hit with an overwhelming feeling of confusion that he didn't know if he could touch him. And if he could, where? There was very little of Beau that wasn't attached to wires and tubes, and his face was predominantly obscured by the large tube of the ventilator with the brace holding it securely in his mouth.
He soon just settled for letting his forearms rest on the rails that were up around Beau's bed. It wasn't like he was going to try to climb out of it or anything, but patients in a critical condition like this could be prone to seizures. Should he be grateful Beau was still alive? How could he be when this wasn't remotely what he would define as 'alive'? Alive was Beau's eyes open. It was him smiling, laughing, making a joke. It was him being so completely Beau that there was literally no one else like him in the world. His pain and suffering made him look at life and the world in a way that many couldn't even understand.
After a time just standing there and letting the silent tears come in this moment alone with Beau, Aaron tenderly stroked his fingers over Beau's forehead, wishing this really wouldn't be the how his final memories of his baby brother would ultimately be. He leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Beau's head. "I love you, baby bro. And I'm going to promise you that if you can't come back to us, I'll do whatever it fucking takes to make sure you're not kept like this longer than necessary. I'm still your big brother and I'm going to have your back with this just like I always have. Whatever pain any of us are feeling right now, it doesn't even come close to what you've been through, and we won't draw it out. You have my word..."
He took Beau's hand so gently, feeling the fragility of it in his, and he rested his forehead against Beau's flaccid fingers. More tears just splashed down over his hand and onto Beau's fingers. As much as he wanted to hope Beau would be able to recover for another chance, he knew how weak he was and just didn't know anymore if Beau had any fight left in him.
Aaron Watson, Original Character
adj. 1. extremely depressed or unhappy.
It had taken a lot of Aaron's inner restraint not to come here before now. Despite most just accepting what had gone down and trying to take on board what they were facing, Aaron had been one really struggling with it. In fact, he had been furious when the court order had come through the dissolve Beau's legal wish on his medical record to not be resuscitated and not have any artificial sustaining of life. He had been so angry, that his brother had to actually physically hold him back in the hospital corridor to stop him storming into the ICU and verbally ripping shreds of Austin for not honouring Beau's wishes. Austin hadn't been there through Beau's first battle with leukemia. He didn't know what it was like to go through it a second time, and watch Beau suffer like this all over again.
The only thing Aaron had been able to do was leave the hospital until he could manage to cool down. For Beau's sake, he had to keep from losing his shit at Austin. It was just tearing him up so much inside to know that all Beau had wanted was to die as peacefully as he could, despite being in horrendous pain and having very little dignity left. Aaron had watched his little brother fight for his life in the ICU once before, and he never wanted to be facing it again. Beau had just been a child before, and his parents had made all the choices for him, though they had always kept Aaron and Brad in on their choices, made sure they understood why. Ultimately, it was Aaron and Brad who had saved Beau's life with bone marrow transplants. Something they had been poised to do again and had just been waiting on Beau to be given the all clear to proceed.
Then it all took this horrible turn. An infection in Beau's heart, caused by the chemo. This was one of those things you were never not aware could happen, but you always hold so tightly onto hope that it wouldn't that you ended up blindsiding yourself completely if it did. Beau's chances were so slim in the grander scheme of things. He had actually stopped breathing, his heart had stopped beating. He had died and he should have just passed peacefully in his own bed, with his husband there holding him. It was what he wanted. He didn't want to die in a hospital. He hadn't even wanted that the first time when he was a kid.
It came to be Aaron's turn to sit at Beau's bedside so he wasn't alone for any of this. They were all taking turns. Not just his family, but closest friends. The people he would choose to have around him at a time like this. As angry as Aaron was, and as much as he was trying to work through his feelings inside, he agreed to come if Austin wasn't there because he didn't trust himself with what he would say if he faced Beau's husband. He felt sick, and it wasn't abating. He switched with his dad, who had just stepped out into the corridor and embraced him so tightly, and for a long time. So long that Aaron's resolve crumbled and he ended up sobbing softly into his dad's shoulder while he clung to him.
Aaron was a flight medic. He saw people in horrific medical conditions every single day. Nothing that would remotely come close to how it felt to seeing your little brother like this. He went right over to Beau's side, and he was hit with an overwhelming feeling of confusion that he didn't know if he could touch him. And if he could, where? There was very little of Beau that wasn't attached to wires and tubes, and his face was predominantly obscured by the large tube of the ventilator with the brace holding it securely in his mouth.
He soon just settled for letting his forearms rest on the rails that were up around Beau's bed. It wasn't like he was going to try to climb out of it or anything, but patients in a critical condition like this could be prone to seizures. Should he be grateful Beau was still alive? How could he be when this wasn't remotely what he would define as 'alive'? Alive was Beau's eyes open. It was him smiling, laughing, making a joke. It was him being so completely Beau that there was literally no one else like him in the world. His pain and suffering made him look at life and the world in a way that many couldn't even understand.
After a time just standing there and letting the silent tears come in this moment alone with Beau, Aaron tenderly stroked his fingers over Beau's forehead, wishing this really wouldn't be the how his final memories of his baby brother would ultimately be. He leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Beau's head. "I love you, baby bro. And I'm going to promise you that if you can't come back to us, I'll do whatever it fucking takes to make sure you're not kept like this longer than necessary. I'm still your big brother and I'm going to have your back with this just like I always have. Whatever pain any of us are feeling right now, it doesn't even come close to what you've been through, and we won't draw it out. You have my word..."
He took Beau's hand so gently, feeling the fragility of it in his, and he rested his forehead against Beau's flaccid fingers. More tears just splashed down over his hand and onto Beau's fingers. As much as he wanted to hope Beau would be able to recover for another chance, he knew how weak he was and just didn't know anymore if Beau had any fight left in him.
Aaron Watson, Original Character