“Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.”
- Roger Ebert

It had been a long time since Cole had cried. He had been raised to believe crying was a weakness, but these days, he fucking hated his father, so fuck his ideals in the ass, as far as he was concerned. Even if he desperately tried not to, there was no way he couldn't give into the urge. He hadn't really let on to Destina during her surprise and devious visit just how much pain he was in. If there was one thing he was a genius at, it was masking his feelings.

( Not long after she left, however, he hit another really bad patch. The exhaustion and pain were stirring all the bad emotions in his head. There was no chance to even try to fight it... )

Cole Carrington
( original character )

“Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it.” -Michael J. Fox

There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for hearing the horrible news that your husband's cancer is back. You go through all that stages of grief stuff that I used to think was BS, but it really isn't. Denial -- You definitely go through that. Because this can't be happening to your husband, to the man you love who is so damn full of life. Trust me, I was right there, too. I didn't believe it. Not my Beau. Not the man who wakes me up in the middle of the night because he just suddenly woke up and wanted pancakes and bacon, and he wanted to share with me. It can't be true because he is too fucking alive to ever face dying again.

( Anger -- Oh, yeah, I know anger. )

Austin Watson-Shaw::Original Character
Beau Watson-Shaw is halfwaytoheaven

"I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever." - I Believe, Stevie Wonder

I was back at work today for the first part of a series of CK shoots. I would say the break was nice, but it really just ended up being crap. There was Cole's single day attempt to go cold turkey, followed by him falling off the wagon to the max. But lets be frank here, he didn't even really make it on to the wagon in the first place. Then there was that one day and night we had together which was... amazing is the only word I can come up with, but it doesn't really cut it. That one day was what made me realise that I'm here to stick it out with him, that there is a tiny spark of something incredible to Cole underneath all the substance abuse, addiction, traumatic past, and painful heartache. He has frequently asked me why I'm doing this, why I want to bother with it, and bother with him. The simple answer is that I finally saw in him why he needs someone to bother with him, because he gave up bothering with himself far too long ago.

( Then, of course, came the food poisoning of death and destruction. It ruined our last couple of days together before Cole left for rehab... )

Emilio Alvarez
{ original character }

“A book is a gift you can open again and again.” - Garrison Keillor

I still appreciate having this notebook, but I haven't been able to write much in it. Maybe a few sentences at a time when my head isn't so sore it feels like nothing works. This might take me days to write, which is okay. I think I must be a medical team's wet dream. My head is constantly aching right now, somewhere in the realms of migraine territory, but it just makes it hurt even more when I realise I was so fucked up on drugs I didn't realise (or care) that I was seriously sick. Like, not a bad flu, or a stomach bug, or even mono. They seem to keep throwing diagnoses at me, and I don't understand everything yet. Hopefully when I start to feel better, Euan can really map everything out so I know where I stand. For now, he's got complete control on my medical decisions. I signed it all over to him when I thought there was a chance I had killed any decent parts of my brain with the ice. Him and Julie are both handling that side of my shit, and Julian is still making sure all the financial stuff is paid for. Not personally, of course. He's too important and probably really busy to worry about my shit. But he'll have people doing it for him.

( It's funny how different people and things can make you see your own shit in a different way... )

Noah Cameron :: Original Character