Lorenzo Jérôme Chevalier (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nothingelsematters) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2015-04-24 09:58 pm
nothingelsematters) wrote in muserevival2015-04-24 09:58 pm
Entry tags:
091.6. Picture Prompt
Picture: Depression
tw: dark themes, mentions suicide
Lorenzo had nearly gone down for a murder he didn't commit. Everyone had skeletons on thier closet, or things they shouldered alone. His just seemed to carry the weight of an army of skeletons. It was over three months ago now, but a lot of it was still very fresh. Sometimes, he was just too ashamed to admit how badly he had dealt with things. There was also the fact he knew people would try to tell him he actually dealt with it very well, when all it had been was scrambling to try to stop the feeling like he was drowning and couldn't go on.
Depression was a nasty thing to have take hold of you. Mental illness he wasn't at all foreign to. He had nursed his girlfriend through schizophrenia as her carer, so he had more of an understanding of it than a lot would. All he had been through with Mara, he never thought he would fall victim to the same sort of sickness that plagued her. Of course, schizophrenia was very different to depression. They were worlds apart, despite the habit of people who didn't understand often trying to lump all mental illness in one basket labelled 'crazy'.
The agony inside had started like a dripping tap, little by little, things became hard. He coped, but he couldn't get through it all without distractions or seeking comfort elsewhere. Mara was always his priority. He sacrificed many things, and piece of himself, for the sake of her wellbeing. Though, could it ever have been termed 'wellbeing' when she was far from well in the last remaining year or so of her life? Discovering she was pregnant wasn't a happy affair, and especially not knowing how the night he knocked her up went down. Jude was the only one he confided in about that for a long time. Mara had been trashed, off her meds yet again, in the wake of another failed suicide attempt. The paranoia was exacerbated and she thought Lorenzo didn't love her anymore, didn't want her, or any number of people were trying to take him away from her. 'Marking her territory' didn't even really cut it that night. The pregnancy news wasn't even bittersweet... it was downright nauseating.
It had this really odd result of Mara returning religiously to her prescription meds, trying to clean up, get well for becoming a mother. She had actually been excited about the idea of having a baby with him, whilst he had gone throught he pregnancy with his heart in his throat waiting for the shit to hit the fan again. It did, of course. She stayed as clean as she could, but it wasn't without slips. She would forget her meds some days, or meet a friend for shopping that ended with shooting up in the bathroom.
Long story short, she was off her meds when she went into early labour with their daughter. Holly was born six weeks early, and the maternity staff ended up sedating Mara because the stress of the birth and the fact she wouldn't let anyone touch her with painkillers because she thought they were trying to poison her baby. It was a natural birth, but Holly hadn't been breathing when she came into the world and what resulted was a few terrifying days of her being in the NICU on machines. Lorenzo barely left her side, watching every little intake of breath and listening to the beeps of the heart monitor beside the incubator. He lost many an hour staring at her, wondering how he had created her and how she could ever be okay if she was so small. Mara never got well after the birth, and just three weeks later, she committed suicide as a result of exacerbating schizophrenia and suspected post-partum depression... something Lorenzo would soon learn fathers could be susceptible to.
This time, it wasn't an OD, it wasn't trying to cut her wrists like her past MO. It was going into autopilot when they were walking to the hospital for Holly's check-up and the infant wouldn't stop crying. There was only a split second that Lorenzo caught the look in Mara's eyes as she handed the baby to him; just a split second where death looked back at him, and the next thing he knew, she stepped out in front of the bus that immediately took her life.
Mara's family had always been passionately religious. They frequently accused Lorenzo of not taking good enough care of Mara, but she always chose him over them. Still, she went to church every Sunday and Lorenzo obediently went through the Christening of his daughter for their sake because that was what Mara wanted. He never spoke a word against their faith, despite his own Atheism. He had loved Mara deeply, but being in love with her was something that dwindled the harder he fought to care for her. Pregnancy out of wedlock, suicide, they were concepts Mara's family opposed, so when Mara took her own life, they didn't believe she would ultimately do that and their loud opposition with nasty speculation led to Lorenzo being taken into the cop shop for question over the possibility he pushed Mara in front of the bus.
Those days following Mara's suicide were the worst of his life. Lorenzo's mind took him to places he never felt himself capable of. He had a tiny baby daughter in his care, but even Holly wasn't enough for him in those first few days after watching the mother of his child take her life in a terrible way. He nearly took his own life. He struggled to fight the pain and the distress, and he veered so terrifyingly close to almost jumping off a bridge after leaving Holly with his best friend, her godfather. He felt like a failure as a father, and a failure as Mara's carer. All the trauma boiling over inside him, he felt like Holly would be better off without him and knew Jude would do a wonderful job raising Holly. She didn't need to be tainted with this, or left with a dead mother and a father in jail for her murder.
Now, he put the baby monitor receiver down on the window sill and leaned over the Pepto-pink crib adorned with flowers and teddy bears, finding his baby girl with tears from waking up crying. "Hey, sweetiepie. Do you need cuddles, beautiful? Daddy needs cuddles..." he murmured. He scooped her up and nursed her securely against his chest. She nuzzled her head in against his shoulder, clutching at the front of his shirt while he rubbed her bottom through the layers of fluffy onesie and thick diaper. While he kissed her head, he moved to the queen-sized bed in the middle of the bedroom and checked on his sleeping lover for a few moments. He leant close making sure he could hear breathing before he eventually padded out of the bedroom to sort out Holly's midnight feed.
Life had nearly been torn out from under him, but he had survived. Religion nearly stole his right to be the best father he could, but he had conquered it. His girlfriend nearly made him believe he didn't deserve love, but he now had his soul mate. His past relationship nearly caused the love of his life to be destroyed, but they had saved him. Depression had nearly stopped him enjoying the most amazing thing he had ever done, but he still now had his middle of the night snuggles from his tiny baby daughter.
Looking down at his little girl once he was in the kitchen, he earned a teary, drooly smile in return with a little head coming to rest against his chin. He smiled and closed his hand around hers to give some smooches to her sweet little fingers. He was smitten, and no matter how dark his world had gotten, the reason to fight it was in his arms and he would never again let himself almost give up.
* This part of Lorenzo's backstory is inspired by the fashion video, Devil Inside, starring his PB, Ash Stymest
lorenzo chevalier
- original character -
Lorenzo had nearly gone down for a murder he didn't commit. Everyone had skeletons on thier closet, or things they shouldered alone. His just seemed to carry the weight of an army of skeletons. It was over three months ago now, but a lot of it was still very fresh. Sometimes, he was just too ashamed to admit how badly he had dealt with things. There was also the fact he knew people would try to tell him he actually dealt with it very well, when all it had been was scrambling to try to stop the feeling like he was drowning and couldn't go on.
Depression was a nasty thing to have take hold of you. Mental illness he wasn't at all foreign to. He had nursed his girlfriend through schizophrenia as her carer, so he had more of an understanding of it than a lot would. All he had been through with Mara, he never thought he would fall victim to the same sort of sickness that plagued her. Of course, schizophrenia was very different to depression. They were worlds apart, despite the habit of people who didn't understand often trying to lump all mental illness in one basket labelled 'crazy'.
The agony inside had started like a dripping tap, little by little, things became hard. He coped, but he couldn't get through it all without distractions or seeking comfort elsewhere. Mara was always his priority. He sacrificed many things, and piece of himself, for the sake of her wellbeing. Though, could it ever have been termed 'wellbeing' when she was far from well in the last remaining year or so of her life? Discovering she was pregnant wasn't a happy affair, and especially not knowing how the night he knocked her up went down. Jude was the only one he confided in about that for a long time. Mara had been trashed, off her meds yet again, in the wake of another failed suicide attempt. The paranoia was exacerbated and she thought Lorenzo didn't love her anymore, didn't want her, or any number of people were trying to take him away from her. 'Marking her territory' didn't even really cut it that night. The pregnancy news wasn't even bittersweet... it was downright nauseating.
It had this really odd result of Mara returning religiously to her prescription meds, trying to clean up, get well for becoming a mother. She had actually been excited about the idea of having a baby with him, whilst he had gone throught he pregnancy with his heart in his throat waiting for the shit to hit the fan again. It did, of course. She stayed as clean as she could, but it wasn't without slips. She would forget her meds some days, or meet a friend for shopping that ended with shooting up in the bathroom.
Long story short, she was off her meds when she went into early labour with their daughter. Holly was born six weeks early, and the maternity staff ended up sedating Mara because the stress of the birth and the fact she wouldn't let anyone touch her with painkillers because she thought they were trying to poison her baby. It was a natural birth, but Holly hadn't been breathing when she came into the world and what resulted was a few terrifying days of her being in the NICU on machines. Lorenzo barely left her side, watching every little intake of breath and listening to the beeps of the heart monitor beside the incubator. He lost many an hour staring at her, wondering how he had created her and how she could ever be okay if she was so small. Mara never got well after the birth, and just three weeks later, she committed suicide as a result of exacerbating schizophrenia and suspected post-partum depression... something Lorenzo would soon learn fathers could be susceptible to.
This time, it wasn't an OD, it wasn't trying to cut her wrists like her past MO. It was going into autopilot when they were walking to the hospital for Holly's check-up and the infant wouldn't stop crying. There was only a split second that Lorenzo caught the look in Mara's eyes as she handed the baby to him; just a split second where death looked back at him, and the next thing he knew, she stepped out in front of the bus that immediately took her life.
Mara's family had always been passionately religious. They frequently accused Lorenzo of not taking good enough care of Mara, but she always chose him over them. Still, she went to church every Sunday and Lorenzo obediently went through the Christening of his daughter for their sake because that was what Mara wanted. He never spoke a word against their faith, despite his own Atheism. He had loved Mara deeply, but being in love with her was something that dwindled the harder he fought to care for her. Pregnancy out of wedlock, suicide, they were concepts Mara's family opposed, so when Mara took her own life, they didn't believe she would ultimately do that and their loud opposition with nasty speculation led to Lorenzo being taken into the cop shop for question over the possibility he pushed Mara in front of the bus.
Those days following Mara's suicide were the worst of his life. Lorenzo's mind took him to places he never felt himself capable of. He had a tiny baby daughter in his care, but even Holly wasn't enough for him in those first few days after watching the mother of his child take her life in a terrible way. He nearly took his own life. He struggled to fight the pain and the distress, and he veered so terrifyingly close to almost jumping off a bridge after leaving Holly with his best friend, her godfather. He felt like a failure as a father, and a failure as Mara's carer. All the trauma boiling over inside him, he felt like Holly would be better off without him and knew Jude would do a wonderful job raising Holly. She didn't need to be tainted with this, or left with a dead mother and a father in jail for her murder.
Now, he put the baby monitor receiver down on the window sill and leaned over the Pepto-pink crib adorned with flowers and teddy bears, finding his baby girl with tears from waking up crying. "Hey, sweetiepie. Do you need cuddles, beautiful? Daddy needs cuddles..." he murmured. He scooped her up and nursed her securely against his chest. She nuzzled her head in against his shoulder, clutching at the front of his shirt while he rubbed her bottom through the layers of fluffy onesie and thick diaper. While he kissed her head, he moved to the queen-sized bed in the middle of the bedroom and checked on his sleeping lover for a few moments. He leant close making sure he could hear breathing before he eventually padded out of the bedroom to sort out Holly's midnight feed.
Life had nearly been torn out from under him, but he had survived. Religion nearly stole his right to be the best father he could, but he had conquered it. His girlfriend nearly made him believe he didn't deserve love, but he now had his soul mate. His past relationship nearly caused the love of his life to be destroyed, but they had saved him. Depression had nearly stopped him enjoying the most amazing thing he had ever done, but he still now had his middle of the night snuggles from his tiny baby daughter.
Looking down at his little girl once he was in the kitchen, he earned a teary, drooly smile in return with a little head coming to rest against his chin. He smiled and closed his hand around hers to give some smooches to her sweet little fingers. He was smitten, and no matter how dark his world had gotten, the reason to fight it was in his arms and he would never again let himself almost give up.
* This part of Lorenzo's backstory is inspired by the fashion video, Devil Inside, starring his PB, Ash Stymest
- original character -