Mark Thomas Campbell, esq. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aussielawyer) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2015-08-31 10:31 pm
aussielawyer) wrote in muserevival2015-08-31 10:31 pm
099.3. Private Diary
Pain is a part of life
tw: references suicidal thought, self-harm, child abuse and substance addiction
There is no greater pain than watching your kid hurt. Though I can say that it becomes a burning agony when you know they have hurt themselves because other people tried to destroy them. Your own pain doesn't matter, it is just built upon by your desperate attempt to take theirs away. When you can't do that, the helplessness is crippling. It eats you up inside. No matter how many people tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty, you do. It is your job to protect them, and you feel like a failure.
I truly admire anyone who has a sick child, and faces the struggle and heartache however they can. Especially the days if feels like you can barely keep your head above water and are being pulled under at every turn. I have a mentally ill and suicidal son. He has hurt himself numerous times, and it has just been by sheer luck of intercepting him that he's still here with us today. Never did I feel myself capable of something like murder, or wanting to murder, until recently. Had I the chance to be put in a room with the people who controlled my kid, made him feel like a piece of shit, abused him, neglected him, harmed him, stole his innocence... I would murder without a second thought. That's a terrifying thought. Maybe it is why fighting off the craving for booze seems impossible right now.
I don't know how to begin to move on from any of this. I don't know if I can. How do you just move on from hearing that your son has been repeatedly violated, to the point he hates himself so much he doesn't want to go on? When I finally got him home and he was out of immediate danger, he asked me if I regretted him coming into my life. There aren't enough words in the world to be able to convince a poor kid who is so broken and damaged that it is anything but that. I try to keep reassuring him, and I always will. He may never fully believe me and that breaks my heart. I feel constantly sick inside because it feels like, one day soon, I'm going to wake up and his heart won't be beating anymore. It would be so little time I had with him. I should've had him from the moment he was born.
Sleep is impossible. I'm scared to sleep. I feel like every time I close my eyes, he's going to fall into that blackness again that he won't find a way out of, and this time, I won't be there to bring him back. The cravings for alcohol are so bad, I feel like I'm shaking from the inside out. Thinking too much has made thinking rationally almost an impossible feat. But I keep trying. I have to keep trying to do whatever the fuck it takes to bring him even a little bit of peace. I would die to save him. But he doesn't feel he's worth that.
The part that hurts the most is that he's such a beautiful kid. He's gorgeous, he's smart, and his talent still blows my mind. I don't know how I contributed to creating someone like him, but thank fuck I did. I just want to hold him and promise him I can stop it all, but I can't lie to him. My attempts to save him from pain have often just led him to feeling more.
I want to drink and never stop. I want to wipe myself fucking out to turn this pain off. It feels like booze is fucking everywhere, wherever I turn. The sun is something I usually cherish, but I can't even stand to be out in it because it feels like it is burning into my brain and draining me of any tiny sliver of energy I still have. Running on empty to keep going and holding the pieces of him and me together when I don't fucking know I can ever truly save him.
What is the answer? What do I do here to just get one fucking thing right and know his life won't dissolve right before us?
I don't know. I just don't fucking know anything anymore.
MARK CAMPBELL // Original Character
There is no greater pain than watching your kid hurt. Though I can say that it becomes a burning agony when you know they have hurt themselves because other people tried to destroy them. Your own pain doesn't matter, it is just built upon by your desperate attempt to take theirs away. When you can't do that, the helplessness is crippling. It eats you up inside. No matter how many people tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty, you do. It is your job to protect them, and you feel like a failure.
I truly admire anyone who has a sick child, and faces the struggle and heartache however they can. Especially the days if feels like you can barely keep your head above water and are being pulled under at every turn. I have a mentally ill and suicidal son. He has hurt himself numerous times, and it has just been by sheer luck of intercepting him that he's still here with us today. Never did I feel myself capable of something like murder, or wanting to murder, until recently. Had I the chance to be put in a room with the people who controlled my kid, made him feel like a piece of shit, abused him, neglected him, harmed him, stole his innocence... I would murder without a second thought. That's a terrifying thought. Maybe it is why fighting off the craving for booze seems impossible right now.
I don't know how to begin to move on from any of this. I don't know if I can. How do you just move on from hearing that your son has been repeatedly violated, to the point he hates himself so much he doesn't want to go on? When I finally got him home and he was out of immediate danger, he asked me if I regretted him coming into my life. There aren't enough words in the world to be able to convince a poor kid who is so broken and damaged that it is anything but that. I try to keep reassuring him, and I always will. He may never fully believe me and that breaks my heart. I feel constantly sick inside because it feels like, one day soon, I'm going to wake up and his heart won't be beating anymore. It would be so little time I had with him. I should've had him from the moment he was born.
Sleep is impossible. I'm scared to sleep. I feel like every time I close my eyes, he's going to fall into that blackness again that he won't find a way out of, and this time, I won't be there to bring him back. The cravings for alcohol are so bad, I feel like I'm shaking from the inside out. Thinking too much has made thinking rationally almost an impossible feat. But I keep trying. I have to keep trying to do whatever the fuck it takes to bring him even a little bit of peace. I would die to save him. But he doesn't feel he's worth that.
The part that hurts the most is that he's such a beautiful kid. He's gorgeous, he's smart, and his talent still blows my mind. I don't know how I contributed to creating someone like him, but thank fuck I did. I just want to hold him and promise him I can stop it all, but I can't lie to him. My attempts to save him from pain have often just led him to feeling more.
I want to drink and never stop. I want to wipe myself fucking out to turn this pain off. It feels like booze is fucking everywhere, wherever I turn. The sun is something I usually cherish, but I can't even stand to be out in it because it feels like it is burning into my brain and draining me of any tiny sliver of energy I still have. Running on empty to keep going and holding the pieces of him and me together when I don't fucking know I can ever truly save him.
What is the answer? What do I do here to just get one fucking thing right and know his life won't dissolve right before us?
I don't know. I just don't fucking know anything anymore.
MARK CAMPBELL // Original Character