Caleb Meyer Leary (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bemydownfall) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2015-10-22 03:57 pm
bemydownfall) wrote in muserevival2015-10-22 03:57 pm
105.3 : First Person
Guilty Conscience
Maybe it was stupid, thinking that a second chance was an option. Maybe I should’ve left well enough alone that night when I sawZoran Zed in the bar. But he was staring at me out of those same blue eyes, and even though superficially, he’d changed, the eyes were the same, and just like all those years ago, I was hooked. I had to talk to him. I had to see him, talk to him… hear his voice again. Only when I did, it wasn’t his voice… The sweet Southern drawl was long gone, replaced by a voice almost completely without an accent. Superficially, he was different, but Zoran was still in there. The same pain still stared at me out of those eyes. And unlike the nights before the one beautiful one shared together, the pain was as much my fault as anyone else’s. Maybe more so. At least his dad was someone he expected to mistreat him. I was his best friend. I loved him. I promised to always be there for him, and in the course of less than a week, I’d broken that promise.
I told myself that I was protecting him, but looking back, it was a lie… something to help me sleep better at night. I was protecting myself. I was scared – fucking chicken shit, actually – and he needed me. What his dad did to him was inexcusable… the abuse of a child by a parent isn’t, and never will be, okay. But he had come to expect it because his dad was a violent alcoholic. He didn’t expect me to turn my back on him and pretend I’d forgotten about him.
So realizing he’s alive when I thought he was dead was a huge thing… a second chance to start over. Or at least I hoped so. But maybe it’s all too little too late. He’s in pain. He’s been in pain for a long time. Pain that I contributed to, and tonight, the pain became too much for him to bear. Last time, years ago, he faked suicide to get away from a situation that could’ve cost him his life. This time, he was trying – honestly trying – to end his life. I was right there, in the other room, and I didn’t know. He told me he was taking a shower. He just needed to wash up and be alone for a bit… And I believed him. I left him alone. If not for Richie, he would’ve been dead, then and there. He may still be. I’m not his family. I’m not next of kin. No one will tell me anything. There was so much fucking blood. Richie thought quickly and neither of us ended up in direct contact with Zed’s blood… but I can’t help wondering how much of it is on my hands just the same.
Maybe it was stupid, thinking that a second chance was an option. Maybe I should’ve left well enough alone that night when I saw
I told myself that I was protecting him, but looking back, it was a lie… something to help me sleep better at night. I was protecting myself. I was scared – fucking chicken shit, actually – and he needed me. What his dad did to him was inexcusable… the abuse of a child by a parent isn’t, and never will be, okay. But he had come to expect it because his dad was a violent alcoholic. He didn’t expect me to turn my back on him and pretend I’d forgotten about him.
So realizing he’s alive when I thought he was dead was a huge thing… a second chance to start over. Or at least I hoped so. But maybe it’s all too little too late. He’s in pain. He’s been in pain for a long time. Pain that I contributed to, and tonight, the pain became too much for him to bear. Last time, years ago, he faked suicide to get away from a situation that could’ve cost him his life. This time, he was trying – honestly trying – to end his life. I was right there, in the other room, and I didn’t know. He told me he was taking a shower. He just needed to wash up and be alone for a bit… And I believed him. I left him alone. If not for Richie, he would’ve been dead, then and there. He may still be. I’m not his family. I’m not next of kin. No one will tell me anything. There was so much fucking blood. Richie thought quickly and neither of us ended up in direct contact with Zed’s blood… but I can’t help wondering how much of it is on my hands just the same.