Zed Blaze (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zedblaze) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2015-11-29 03:49 pm
zedblaze) wrote in muserevival2015-11-29 03:49 pm
109.3. Journalling
Prove Your Love
Some days, life just sucks. And sometimes, for some people, most days suck. I'm kind of in that boat right now, but it's strange. I also know I'm so very fucking fortunate and so very fucking lucky. I have people who love me, and care about me. They want to help me, and unconditionally. I respect how much energy and stress can go into loving and caring about me when I'm at my worst. I have a family and friends, I have money, I have a roof over my head (or multiple roofs, as I know anyone who loves me would shelter me whenever I need it), I have food and water. But most of all, I have love. I don't need anyone to prove that to me. Love, in its very essence, should never have to be proved to anyone. It just is. It's the omnipresent energy in your life that you're so fucking lucky to have, because many people out there don't. Many people don't have people who care, don't have a place to go to be warm, or guaranteed food when they're hungry. They don't have hugs on offer in those times when life sucks and you just want to be held.
And on top of all that, I have my dignity and I have pride in what I've gotten through to still remain a good person. That is also a priceless fortune to possess. These days, they're not easy. They're not easy at all. I'm sick and I'm weak. All over again, I'm vulnerable pushed to my very breaking point. If you have people near you when you reach breaking point, you have to hold onto them. You have to let them hold onto you. Because you can't catch yourself when you fall.
Love comes in all shapes and sizes, as cliché as it sounds. Love of a family, love of a friend, love of a lover. They all have their place, and they all have their own unique traits to bring depth and meaning to your life. I have one of the best families to ever walk the earth, and not a single one blood-related to me. They don't need to be. Everyone bleeds the same colour. Blood is nothing. Blood isn't thicker than water. That metaphor is crap. The people who share your blood can often be the ones who hurt you the most. The ones who you don't share genetics with, they can love you the most of all.
I'm lucky to be loved. I'm lucky that somehow, even though it's hurting, the only person I ever fell in love with has come back into my life. There's a quote somewhere on the internet that says something along the lines of, if people are meant to be in your life, they will always come back to you, no matter how far away they go or for how long. I think there's a lot of truth in that. I don't know what I'm doing right now. I'm just taking literally each moment as it comes. Am I sick and tired of being sick and tired? Fuck, yes. Who wouldn't be? But this is my life, and I only get one. I have to just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. Dory had it right all along.
In a few weeks, my life could change drastically. If I learn I'm HIV Positive, I know it's going to be yet another hard blow. In the meantime, I'll probably have to bury my biological father. That is something I'm struggling to face. Every time I think about it, I feel that churning nausea roiling in my gut like it will never ease. I don't think I can do any of this alone.
I've done alone. I've done lonely. I've done feeling like there is no one in this whole world who cares whether I'm alive or dead. But that was all in the past. People love me, and I fucking love them. I'm going to get through this. No matter how much it hurts and how hard it will be, I'll get there... because I'm not alone.
- ZORAN JENNINGS -
original character
Some days, life just sucks. And sometimes, for some people, most days suck. I'm kind of in that boat right now, but it's strange. I also know I'm so very fucking fortunate and so very fucking lucky. I have people who love me, and care about me. They want to help me, and unconditionally. I respect how much energy and stress can go into loving and caring about me when I'm at my worst. I have a family and friends, I have money, I have a roof over my head (or multiple roofs, as I know anyone who loves me would shelter me whenever I need it), I have food and water. But most of all, I have love. I don't need anyone to prove that to me. Love, in its very essence, should never have to be proved to anyone. It just is. It's the omnipresent energy in your life that you're so fucking lucky to have, because many people out there don't. Many people don't have people who care, don't have a place to go to be warm, or guaranteed food when they're hungry. They don't have hugs on offer in those times when life sucks and you just want to be held.
And on top of all that, I have my dignity and I have pride in what I've gotten through to still remain a good person. That is also a priceless fortune to possess. These days, they're not easy. They're not easy at all. I'm sick and I'm weak. All over again, I'm vulnerable pushed to my very breaking point. If you have people near you when you reach breaking point, you have to hold onto them. You have to let them hold onto you. Because you can't catch yourself when you fall.
Love comes in all shapes and sizes, as cliché as it sounds. Love of a family, love of a friend, love of a lover. They all have their place, and they all have their own unique traits to bring depth and meaning to your life. I have one of the best families to ever walk the earth, and not a single one blood-related to me. They don't need to be. Everyone bleeds the same colour. Blood is nothing. Blood isn't thicker than water. That metaphor is crap. The people who share your blood can often be the ones who hurt you the most. The ones who you don't share genetics with, they can love you the most of all.
I'm lucky to be loved. I'm lucky that somehow, even though it's hurting, the only person I ever fell in love with has come back into my life. There's a quote somewhere on the internet that says something along the lines of, if people are meant to be in your life, they will always come back to you, no matter how far away they go or for how long. I think there's a lot of truth in that. I don't know what I'm doing right now. I'm just taking literally each moment as it comes. Am I sick and tired of being sick and tired? Fuck, yes. Who wouldn't be? But this is my life, and I only get one. I have to just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. Dory had it right all along.
In a few weeks, my life could change drastically. If I learn I'm HIV Positive, I know it's going to be yet another hard blow. In the meantime, I'll probably have to bury my biological father. That is something I'm struggling to face. Every time I think about it, I feel that churning nausea roiling in my gut like it will never ease. I don't think I can do any of this alone.
I've done alone. I've done lonely. I've done feeling like there is no one in this whole world who cares whether I'm alive or dead. But that was all in the past. People love me, and I fucking love them. I'm going to get through this. No matter how much it hurts and how hard it will be, I'll get there... because I'm not alone.
original character