Zed Blaze (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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muserevival2016-05-30 11:26 pm
zedblaze) wrote in muserevival2016-05-30 11:26 pm
Entry tags:
121.2. Quotes
"Recovery begins from the darkest moment." - John Major
Zoran had been in the PTSD residential rehab facility for about three weeks now. Most of that time he had spent quite numb, feeling like the therapy was bouncing off his emotional walls and not penetrating anything inside him. But there was no success or failure with a place like this. He kept going through the daily motions. He attended the one-on-ones with three different psychiatrists - specialists in grief therapy, family violence, and carers of addictions. He attended the mixed bag group sessions. He did the activities. He tried the meditation. He went for the walks. He listened to the motivational speakers.
Still, nothing felt like it was getting through. On top of all that, he had both Caleb and Naomi staying in Arkansas doing some other stuff in between the family visitation sessions they were allowed for three hours a week on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. It all sounded very strict, but it wasn't. It was just that routine was apparently a prominent part of helping a PTSD sufferer find new coping skills to deal with their trauma aftermath. Intensive therapy was the purpose of this place, not to play tea parties and have chill out sessions with family members. Especially not when said family members had been an instrumental part of the trauma, as was in Zoran's case. That was why his Caseworker wanted to ration his visits with Naomi and Caleb initially when Zoran told them they had come to Arkansas with him.
They had one visit each, and the joint visit with him on Mondays. That was today. But today, Zoran wasn't in a good place. He had a particularly harrowing breakthrough with his grief counsellor the day before and it left him wiped out emotionally and physically. He nearly called this visit with them off. He knew they both wanted to help, and a lot of that was fuelled by the guilt that they had contributed to his pain over the years. They had both abandoned him to survive his father's addiction-fuelled violence alone, and it was those wounds that had been torn open at the session the day prior.
They both seemed to sense something was skewed when they arrived and he didn't want either of them near him. He wasn't aggression or angry, he just really wanted to be alone that day. He had too much on his mind, and mostly, he just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep. Some days, that was okay. "STOP," he finally cut in on them both. They weren't arguing, they probably just didn't realise they were trying too hard not to bitch at each other and it was gnawing away at his already frayed emotions.
They stopped. Abruptly. There had been some discussion about getting him some more clothing to bring next visit because the weather had gotten warm in Arkansas, even if it was pissing down rain that morning. Zoran hadn't slept that night. He was pale and his eyes red with heavy circles beneath them. Really fit with the goat-fucking Satan-worshipping drug-addict persona a lot of people stereotyped people with a lot of ink to have. Now he probably looked like he was going to suck their blood and eat their babies too.
"You need to go. Both of you, you need to go. I can't do this," he told them with a shake of his head. He had been perched on the windowsill, looking outside into the grounds of the clinic at the rain.
"Okay," Caleb spoke up first with a nod. "We'll go. I'll come back Wednesday. It's probably a good idea, babe. You haven't slept and all."
Naomi nodded in agreement. "Give me a chance to go shopping for--"
"Fuck, no," Zoran cut her off, standing up. "Y'all don't get it. I want you to go. Go, back to New York, or LA. Or wherever the fuck. Go home. I don't want to see either of you right now. This ain't working when you both come back each week and I get fucking reminded all over again of everything. Just... go. Let me do this alone. Being here ain't going to make either of you get what I've been through any easier. You just ain't ever going to get that. Y'all need to go away and accept that, just as much as I need to be here to try to recover. I'll let you know when I'm done and ready to see you again. But that time ain't now."
Caleb looked much like he had just been kicked in the nuts, but maybe it was a blow he needed right now. Naomi looked more scared, like Zoran was just saying this to placate her, but she really would never hear from him again. Neither said anything, and Zoran stood there staring at them both, with his words hanging in the air. "You just gotta go," he emphasised quietly.
They shared a look, and maybe Caleb was thinking that Naomi should leave and he should get to stay. He and Zoran were technically still engaged, but a lot had changed since Zoran had confessed he killed his father. The engagement hadn't been mentioned since that, so Caleb had to be worried this could be the end. Naomi was less easy to read. It had been so long since Zoran spent time with her that he just didn't feel a connection there. It needed to be rebuilt, but for now, he had to rebuild himself first. Otherwise, he was going to be stuck in this vortex of pain and misery, never knowing how to get out... never really wanting to get out.
He didn't say anything else. He took their decision to leave away from them. He walked out of the family meeting room, and didn't look back. On his way back to his room, he stopped at reception and left a message with his Caseworker that he didn't want visits from anymore family and friends, to cancel all family sessions from now on. It wasn't that a weight was lifted with his choice it was just that now, he felt like he could begin to breathe again.
- ZORAN JENNINGS -
original character
Zoran had been in the PTSD residential rehab facility for about three weeks now. Most of that time he had spent quite numb, feeling like the therapy was bouncing off his emotional walls and not penetrating anything inside him. But there was no success or failure with a place like this. He kept going through the daily motions. He attended the one-on-ones with three different psychiatrists - specialists in grief therapy, family violence, and carers of addictions. He attended the mixed bag group sessions. He did the activities. He tried the meditation. He went for the walks. He listened to the motivational speakers.
Still, nothing felt like it was getting through. On top of all that, he had both Caleb and Naomi staying in Arkansas doing some other stuff in between the family visitation sessions they were allowed for three hours a week on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. It all sounded very strict, but it wasn't. It was just that routine was apparently a prominent part of helping a PTSD sufferer find new coping skills to deal with their trauma aftermath. Intensive therapy was the purpose of this place, not to play tea parties and have chill out sessions with family members. Especially not when said family members had been an instrumental part of the trauma, as was in Zoran's case. That was why his Caseworker wanted to ration his visits with Naomi and Caleb initially when Zoran told them they had come to Arkansas with him.
They had one visit each, and the joint visit with him on Mondays. That was today. But today, Zoran wasn't in a good place. He had a particularly harrowing breakthrough with his grief counsellor the day before and it left him wiped out emotionally and physically. He nearly called this visit with them off. He knew they both wanted to help, and a lot of that was fuelled by the guilt that they had contributed to his pain over the years. They had both abandoned him to survive his father's addiction-fuelled violence alone, and it was those wounds that had been torn open at the session the day prior.
They both seemed to sense something was skewed when they arrived and he didn't want either of them near him. He wasn't aggression or angry, he just really wanted to be alone that day. He had too much on his mind, and mostly, he just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep. Some days, that was okay. "STOP," he finally cut in on them both. They weren't arguing, they probably just didn't realise they were trying too hard not to bitch at each other and it was gnawing away at his already frayed emotions.
They stopped. Abruptly. There had been some discussion about getting him some more clothing to bring next visit because the weather had gotten warm in Arkansas, even if it was pissing down rain that morning. Zoran hadn't slept that night. He was pale and his eyes red with heavy circles beneath them. Really fit with the goat-fucking Satan-worshipping drug-addict persona a lot of people stereotyped people with a lot of ink to have. Now he probably looked like he was going to suck their blood and eat their babies too.
"You need to go. Both of you, you need to go. I can't do this," he told them with a shake of his head. He had been perched on the windowsill, looking outside into the grounds of the clinic at the rain.
"Okay," Caleb spoke up first with a nod. "We'll go. I'll come back Wednesday. It's probably a good idea, babe. You haven't slept and all."
Naomi nodded in agreement. "Give me a chance to go shopping for--"
"Fuck, no," Zoran cut her off, standing up. "Y'all don't get it. I want you to go. Go, back to New York, or LA. Or wherever the fuck. Go home. I don't want to see either of you right now. This ain't working when you both come back each week and I get fucking reminded all over again of everything. Just... go. Let me do this alone. Being here ain't going to make either of you get what I've been through any easier. You just ain't ever going to get that. Y'all need to go away and accept that, just as much as I need to be here to try to recover. I'll let you know when I'm done and ready to see you again. But that time ain't now."
Caleb looked much like he had just been kicked in the nuts, but maybe it was a blow he needed right now. Naomi looked more scared, like Zoran was just saying this to placate her, but she really would never hear from him again. Neither said anything, and Zoran stood there staring at them both, with his words hanging in the air. "You just gotta go," he emphasised quietly.
They shared a look, and maybe Caleb was thinking that Naomi should leave and he should get to stay. He and Zoran were technically still engaged, but a lot had changed since Zoran had confessed he killed his father. The engagement hadn't been mentioned since that, so Caleb had to be worried this could be the end. Naomi was less easy to read. It had been so long since Zoran spent time with her that he just didn't feel a connection there. It needed to be rebuilt, but for now, he had to rebuild himself first. Otherwise, he was going to be stuck in this vortex of pain and misery, never knowing how to get out... never really wanting to get out.
He didn't say anything else. He took their decision to leave away from them. He walked out of the family meeting room, and didn't look back. On his way back to his room, he stopped at reception and left a message with his Caseworker that he didn't want visits from anymore family and friends, to cancel all family sessions from now on. It wasn't that a weight was lifted with his choice it was just that now, he felt like he could begin to breathe again.
original character