Isak Gunnar Cederström (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
isak_cederstrom) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2016-10-01 10:46 pm
isak_cederstrom) wrote in muserevival2016-10-01 10:46 pm
Entry tags:
mr #128.1 | Lyrics
"But I will hold on hope,
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck.
And I'll find strength in pain,
And I will change my ways.
I'll know my name as it's called again."
- "The Cave," Mumford & Sons
"What is this all about this time?" Elis asked, sitting down on the park bench alongside his brother. There was a teasingly exasperated lilt to his voice, but Isak knew it was to mask the underlying concern his brother felt. Isak did not often call Elis to meet at their favorite park with the explicit request of wanting to talk. In fact, this was the first time he'd ever asked. They met up at the park often, both when growing up and whenever Isak was home, but it was usually to play a football match or go for hikes. Talking happened during those activities, but it was never the focal point. Isak could see the concern in Elis' face, even behind the sunglasses.
"It is nothing bad," Isak responded in an attempt to soothe his brother's worry.
"Oh, well, in that case," Elis said, making a feigned motion to stand. Isak rolled his eyes and gave his brother a light slap on the arm.
"Stop it, sit down." Elis did as he was told, though he made a show of it by sighing loudly.
"So, if it is nothing bad, what it is about?"
Isak did not reply right away. He gazed out at their surroundings, watching the people laying in the grass, going for leisurely strolls, playing football. As it had been when he tried to talk to his sister about the same topic, he found that it was difficult to start the conversation. He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a bit as he heard his brother give another sigh, this time a genuine one, as he let his gaze wander to whatever Isak was so focused on.
"How have you been?" Isak asked, quietly.
"Vad i helvete? Why are you asking me that?"
"Because it is relevant. How have you been?"
"Fine? I guess? Work has been busy and has had me travelling a lot, but I am fine. Why? How are you?"
"-- Fine. I am fine."
"It does not sound like you are fine, bror. What is it? What did you want to talk about? You did not ask to meet me here just to ask how I have been doing. We talk frequently enough that you should already know that."
"Okej, bra. I wanted to talk to you about something that happened many years ago," Isak began, feeling each word out a letter at a time. The cadence of his speech slowed, an audible signal of how much thought he was putting into what he was saying.
"Many years ago? How many?"
"When I was 18."
"Ehm, all right. What about it?"
Isak turned towards his brother and pushed his sunglasses onto the top of his head. He wanted his brother to be able to see and read his expressions as he spoke.
"I have already talked to Elina about all of this, but I wanted to speak to you, too." Isak paused and Elis stayed silent, his breathing short and shallow with worry. "I -- I have held onto a great deal of guilt since then, about my leaving."
"Vad?"
"You were 10 at the time."
"I know how old I was, Isak."
"That is -- that is not what I am trying to say. I know you know that. I have felt horrible about leaving you, about leaving you both, since I boarded the plane to go to New York. And I am sorry -- I am sorry for leaving you, for abandoning you. For not being there to protect you as I should have. You were so young. Too young. Too young to have to grow up in the way we did, with the family we have. I know that -- I know that Elina took care of you and kept you safe in my absence, but I should have stayed. I should have been the one to protect you, not her. It should never have fallen onto her shoulders."
Once he finished speaking, Isak studied his brother's seemingly blank face. The only hint of reaction was the flexing of the muscles in his jaw as his brother clenched his teeth. He could see the hard swallow that followed, the flare of Elis' nostrils, the shallowness of his breathing. And then, suddenly, Elis stood from the bench and walked a few paces away. A hand on his waist, the other at his mouth.
This was what happened when Elis wanted to say something possibly offensive or inciting but was trying his hardest not to blurt out the first thing that came to his mind. Isak sat quietly on the bench, replacing the sunglasses on the bridge of his nose. He would wait for his brother to process through his thoughts for as long as it took.
A minute later, Elis approached, his cheeks and ears bright red.
"Do you have any idea how difficult it was? How lonely it was without you? Do you have any idea how fucking terrified I was to see you go? I was a child, Isak. A child. I had barely turned ten! And then off you went -- off to escape to a place far, far away where you no longer had to live in fear of him." Isak's eyes flinched at the nameless mention of their father. "Elina kept me safe. Of course she did. She had no choice. You gave her no choice." Elis was speaking in a low volume so as not to draw attention to the conversation, but Isak could hear the anger and frustration in each and every word. He knew that Elis wanted to scream, wanted to shout, but couldn't. Not in public like this. "Do you know how many times Elina had to rush us into her bedroom and lock the door so that nothing could happen to us? Do you know how many times she had to sing lullabies to me because I could not manage to fall asleep otherwise?"
Elis' hands had balled themselves into fists. He walked away again, glancing off into the distance in an attempt to calm his emotions and gather his thoughts. Isak stayed seated on the bench, his hands like dead weights in his lap, his head lolled forward with guilt and despair.
After what felt like hours, he felt someone's hand grab his and pull him up to his feet. He raised his eyes and was met with his brother's gaze. Without a word, Elis reached out and quickly enveloped his big brother in a desperate embrace. Isak, taken by surprise, stood there for a few moments with his arms at his sides until they finally wrapped around Elis' frame. He could hear Elis sniffling against his shoulder.
"Isak," Elis started, his voice crackling and wavering. "It was hard to have you gone. I -- hated you, for a very long time. I resented you and the fact that you could escape. I could not understand how you could go and leave us both behind. I was -- I was so angry at you. For so long." Elis cleared his throat as Isak felt the rims of his eyes begin to sting with tears. The grip on his brother tightened. "But .. as I got older, I understood. I understood why you cut and ran at the first opportunity." He pulled back to look at Isak in the face, putting a hand to his shoulder. "Du är min storebror, alltid." Elis' lips curled into a slight smile as he tapped his forehead to Isak's and gave him a loving, playful punch to the chest. "Jag älskar dig, even if you suck sometimes."
Isak let out a laugh and quickly reached up to wipe the tear that had begun its descent. He returned the punch, this time to his brother's shoulder.
"Din jävel! Jag hatar dig ibland," Isak said. He gave Elis another shove with a roll of his eyes.
"I could go for a real good drink right about now. Du?"
"Ja. That sounds perfect."
As they made their way towards the parking lot, Elis reached up and put an arm around Isak's shoulder.
"Jag förlåter dig," Elis whispered, leaning his head towards his brother's. "De tre hundarna, för evigt."
Word Count | 1391
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck.
And I'll find strength in pain,
And I will change my ways.
I'll know my name as it's called again."
- "The Cave," Mumford & Sons
"What is this all about this time?" Elis asked, sitting down on the park bench alongside his brother. There was a teasingly exasperated lilt to his voice, but Isak knew it was to mask the underlying concern his brother felt. Isak did not often call Elis to meet at their favorite park with the explicit request of wanting to talk. In fact, this was the first time he'd ever asked. They met up at the park often, both when growing up and whenever Isak was home, but it was usually to play a football match or go for hikes. Talking happened during those activities, but it was never the focal point. Isak could see the concern in Elis' face, even behind the sunglasses.
"It is nothing bad," Isak responded in an attempt to soothe his brother's worry.
"Oh, well, in that case," Elis said, making a feigned motion to stand. Isak rolled his eyes and gave his brother a light slap on the arm.
"Stop it, sit down." Elis did as he was told, though he made a show of it by sighing loudly.
"So, if it is nothing bad, what it is about?"
Isak did not reply right away. He gazed out at their surroundings, watching the people laying in the grass, going for leisurely strolls, playing football. As it had been when he tried to talk to his sister about the same topic, he found that it was difficult to start the conversation. He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a bit as he heard his brother give another sigh, this time a genuine one, as he let his gaze wander to whatever Isak was so focused on.
"How have you been?" Isak asked, quietly.
"Vad i helvete? Why are you asking me that?"
"Because it is relevant. How have you been?"
"Fine? I guess? Work has been busy and has had me travelling a lot, but I am fine. Why? How are you?"
"-- Fine. I am fine."
"It does not sound like you are fine, bror. What is it? What did you want to talk about? You did not ask to meet me here just to ask how I have been doing. We talk frequently enough that you should already know that."
"Okej, bra. I wanted to talk to you about something that happened many years ago," Isak began, feeling each word out a letter at a time. The cadence of his speech slowed, an audible signal of how much thought he was putting into what he was saying.
"Many years ago? How many?"
"When I was 18."
"Ehm, all right. What about it?"
Isak turned towards his brother and pushed his sunglasses onto the top of his head. He wanted his brother to be able to see and read his expressions as he spoke.
"I have already talked to Elina about all of this, but I wanted to speak to you, too." Isak paused and Elis stayed silent, his breathing short and shallow with worry. "I -- I have held onto a great deal of guilt since then, about my leaving."
"Vad?"
"You were 10 at the time."
"I know how old I was, Isak."
"That is -- that is not what I am trying to say. I know you know that. I have felt horrible about leaving you, about leaving you both, since I boarded the plane to go to New York. And I am sorry -- I am sorry for leaving you, for abandoning you. For not being there to protect you as I should have. You were so young. Too young. Too young to have to grow up in the way we did, with the family we have. I know that -- I know that Elina took care of you and kept you safe in my absence, but I should have stayed. I should have been the one to protect you, not her. It should never have fallen onto her shoulders."
Once he finished speaking, Isak studied his brother's seemingly blank face. The only hint of reaction was the flexing of the muscles in his jaw as his brother clenched his teeth. He could see the hard swallow that followed, the flare of Elis' nostrils, the shallowness of his breathing. And then, suddenly, Elis stood from the bench and walked a few paces away. A hand on his waist, the other at his mouth.
This was what happened when Elis wanted to say something possibly offensive or inciting but was trying his hardest not to blurt out the first thing that came to his mind. Isak sat quietly on the bench, replacing the sunglasses on the bridge of his nose. He would wait for his brother to process through his thoughts for as long as it took.
A minute later, Elis approached, his cheeks and ears bright red.
"Do you have any idea how difficult it was? How lonely it was without you? Do you have any idea how fucking terrified I was to see you go? I was a child, Isak. A child. I had barely turned ten! And then off you went -- off to escape to a place far, far away where you no longer had to live in fear of him." Isak's eyes flinched at the nameless mention of their father. "Elina kept me safe. Of course she did. She had no choice. You gave her no choice." Elis was speaking in a low volume so as not to draw attention to the conversation, but Isak could hear the anger and frustration in each and every word. He knew that Elis wanted to scream, wanted to shout, but couldn't. Not in public like this. "Do you know how many times Elina had to rush us into her bedroom and lock the door so that nothing could happen to us? Do you know how many times she had to sing lullabies to me because I could not manage to fall asleep otherwise?"
Elis' hands had balled themselves into fists. He walked away again, glancing off into the distance in an attempt to calm his emotions and gather his thoughts. Isak stayed seated on the bench, his hands like dead weights in his lap, his head lolled forward with guilt and despair.
After what felt like hours, he felt someone's hand grab his and pull him up to his feet. He raised his eyes and was met with his brother's gaze. Without a word, Elis reached out and quickly enveloped his big brother in a desperate embrace. Isak, taken by surprise, stood there for a few moments with his arms at his sides until they finally wrapped around Elis' frame. He could hear Elis sniffling against his shoulder.
"Isak," Elis started, his voice crackling and wavering. "It was hard to have you gone. I -- hated you, for a very long time. I resented you and the fact that you could escape. I could not understand how you could go and leave us both behind. I was -- I was so angry at you. For so long." Elis cleared his throat as Isak felt the rims of his eyes begin to sting with tears. The grip on his brother tightened. "But .. as I got older, I understood. I understood why you cut and ran at the first opportunity." He pulled back to look at Isak in the face, putting a hand to his shoulder. "Du är min storebror, alltid." Elis' lips curled into a slight smile as he tapped his forehead to Isak's and gave him a loving, playful punch to the chest. "Jag älskar dig, even if you suck sometimes."
Isak let out a laugh and quickly reached up to wipe the tear that had begun its descent. He returned the punch, this time to his brother's shoulder.
"Din jävel! Jag hatar dig ibland," Isak said. He gave Elis another shove with a roll of his eyes.
"I could go for a real good drink right about now. Du?"
"Ja. That sounds perfect."
As they made their way towards the parking lot, Elis reached up and put an arm around Isak's shoulder.
"Jag förlåter dig," Elis whispered, leaning his head towards his brother's. "De tre hundarna, för evigt."
Word Count | 1391