Sasha Martin Stanford (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beautifulday) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2017-01-22 01:14 am
beautifulday) wrote in muserevival2017-01-22 01:14 am
Quote of the Day: 009.
"Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life."
- Anne Roiphe
It had been an awful way to end an otherwise amazing holiday in London. But as the dust settled in the aftermath, Sasha knew that this was just how it could be sometimes in falling in love with Justin. It had been hard, and it had been even more terrifying, but he knew what he had signed up for because Justin had given him nothing but complete disclosure. His family followed up with even more disclosure and engaged Sasha in open conversation about Justin's illness. Especially Mr Campbell. Even if all this had been hard, Sasha didn't feel blindsided.
Just tired. So incredibly tired and wiped out. The busy holiday, the long flight, and then the mess at the airport drained every last residual drop of energy he had. He was just shellshocked. But who wouldn't be in a situation like that? This was his first direct experience with it. Before, he just came in afterwards, and that had been difficult enough to process and work through. With this, he felt like he could have somehow done more to try to prevent it. Those were normal and understandable feelings, apparently. When you had a sicked loved one, it was inevitable to feel guilty and helpless when they were hurting. This was all still a huge lesson for Sasha; one he had only just begun to learn.
Nothing could have prepared him for the pendulum swing into pain, loss and grief that Sasha's life took this past month or so. His life had completely changed. Even knowing his best friend had been terminally ill with cancer, she lost her battle too soon. Everyone thought they had more time left with her. Sasha found the only way he could really grieve properly was quietly, away from the ratrace of the world. Sometimes alone, sometimes with his parents, sometimes with Justin.
Crying was but one part of the grief process. With it came other coping mechanisms like hugging one of Andi's stuffed animals she left behind for him, or listening to her final voicemail over and over again just to hear her voice. He had read some of her favourite books, opened old letters they wrote in class and traced the tip of his finger over the words, imagining her hand on the paper writing them. He would lie on his bed wearing one of her favourite hats, and re-watched favourites movies they shared growing up. Grief was subjective. Only you knew how best to face it.
In amongst all that, though, Justin had come into his life. He had come there to help Andi, and when she passed away, he stayed there with Sasha. Something blossomed between them, and had quickly turned into one of the most beautiful things Sasha ever experienced in his life. All this struggle that came with him being ill was a small price to pay, as far as he was concerned. The good outweighed the bad. What he had with Justin had been the sunshine after the rain. Andi knew that. Sasha knew now that she knew that. He had put together the pieces. 'He really knows pain, doesn't he?' she had asked Sasha one night when they watched Justin speaking at a benefit raising money for young people with mental illness. Sasha was learning first-hand now just how much Justin knew pain.
No matter how drained and weak Sasha was left feeling after this latest episode, Sasha knew this was part of Justin. He took a long hot shower once they were back at Justin's place. He didn't let himself think in there. He just stood under the hot spray, as hot as he could tolerate it, and felt the it pelting against his skin like sharp needles. He tried to wash away how grimy he was left feeling ending his holiday in handcuffs. After washing his hair, he sat down on the floor of the shower and drew his knee up so he could rest his head down on his arms. He let the fright, pain, and upset wash down the drain and took the time to regain his composure. Justin needed him. He didn't need him to have it all together, but them both being a complete mess right now wouldn't do anyone any good. Sasha could still hurt without being a mess. The things he had already survived in his life equipped him with that strength. Now was the time to put it into action.
After the shower, he did feel a little better. It was only morning, but now in a different timezone and after the emotional ordeal, he felt like he could sleep for a week. He pulled on some clean PJs, wrangled a comb through his damp curly hair after towel-drying it the best he could. When he went to Justin's room, he fully expected to see him asleep, but he wasn't. He was lying down and looking like he had been his by a truck, but he wasn't sleeping.
The curtains were pulled, the bedside lamp on low. Coming closer, he could see that Justin's eyes were red-rimmed and swollen. Not from directly recent tears, but from lack of sleep, distress, and exhaustion. What Sasha knew was that music wasn't just an escape for Justin, it was also therapeutic. He placed his messy pile of dirty clothing on the floor by his suitcase and dumped his shower bag on top of it. His phone had been in the pocket of his jeans, so he took it out and scrolled through his Apple Music, looking for a specific song.
Finding it, he put his phone in Justin's dock and hit play. It was Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran, and with the volume down low so it played softly, Sasha went over to the bed and climbed in beside Justin. He kissed his forehead, and his nose, and finally - softly, tenderly, reassuringly - his lips. He pulled the covers up over Justin and smooth his hand over them so they were tucked in around him. His arms wrapped around him and he nuzzled in against him, their cheeks pressed together.
With words surplus to requirement, this was all Sasha had to offer. He knew it wasn't enough to take away Justin's pain, but if it could soothe it for just a little while, then he would be here for as long as Justin needed him.
sasha stanford ( oc )
- Anne Roiphe
It had been an awful way to end an otherwise amazing holiday in London. But as the dust settled in the aftermath, Sasha knew that this was just how it could be sometimes in falling in love with Justin. It had been hard, and it had been even more terrifying, but he knew what he had signed up for because Justin had given him nothing but complete disclosure. His family followed up with even more disclosure and engaged Sasha in open conversation about Justin's illness. Especially Mr Campbell. Even if all this had been hard, Sasha didn't feel blindsided.
Just tired. So incredibly tired and wiped out. The busy holiday, the long flight, and then the mess at the airport drained every last residual drop of energy he had. He was just shellshocked. But who wouldn't be in a situation like that? This was his first direct experience with it. Before, he just came in afterwards, and that had been difficult enough to process and work through. With this, he felt like he could have somehow done more to try to prevent it. Those were normal and understandable feelings, apparently. When you had a sicked loved one, it was inevitable to feel guilty and helpless when they were hurting. This was all still a huge lesson for Sasha; one he had only just begun to learn.
Nothing could have prepared him for the pendulum swing into pain, loss and grief that Sasha's life took this past month or so. His life had completely changed. Even knowing his best friend had been terminally ill with cancer, she lost her battle too soon. Everyone thought they had more time left with her. Sasha found the only way he could really grieve properly was quietly, away from the ratrace of the world. Sometimes alone, sometimes with his parents, sometimes with Justin.
Crying was but one part of the grief process. With it came other coping mechanisms like hugging one of Andi's stuffed animals she left behind for him, or listening to her final voicemail over and over again just to hear her voice. He had read some of her favourite books, opened old letters they wrote in class and traced the tip of his finger over the words, imagining her hand on the paper writing them. He would lie on his bed wearing one of her favourite hats, and re-watched favourites movies they shared growing up. Grief was subjective. Only you knew how best to face it.
In amongst all that, though, Justin had come into his life. He had come there to help Andi, and when she passed away, he stayed there with Sasha. Something blossomed between them, and had quickly turned into one of the most beautiful things Sasha ever experienced in his life. All this struggle that came with him being ill was a small price to pay, as far as he was concerned. The good outweighed the bad. What he had with Justin had been the sunshine after the rain. Andi knew that. Sasha knew now that she knew that. He had put together the pieces. 'He really knows pain, doesn't he?' she had asked Sasha one night when they watched Justin speaking at a benefit raising money for young people with mental illness. Sasha was learning first-hand now just how much Justin knew pain.
No matter how drained and weak Sasha was left feeling after this latest episode, Sasha knew this was part of Justin. He took a long hot shower once they were back at Justin's place. He didn't let himself think in there. He just stood under the hot spray, as hot as he could tolerate it, and felt the it pelting against his skin like sharp needles. He tried to wash away how grimy he was left feeling ending his holiday in handcuffs. After washing his hair, he sat down on the floor of the shower and drew his knee up so he could rest his head down on his arms. He let the fright, pain, and upset wash down the drain and took the time to regain his composure. Justin needed him. He didn't need him to have it all together, but them both being a complete mess right now wouldn't do anyone any good. Sasha could still hurt without being a mess. The things he had already survived in his life equipped him with that strength. Now was the time to put it into action.
After the shower, he did feel a little better. It was only morning, but now in a different timezone and after the emotional ordeal, he felt like he could sleep for a week. He pulled on some clean PJs, wrangled a comb through his damp curly hair after towel-drying it the best he could. When he went to Justin's room, he fully expected to see him asleep, but he wasn't. He was lying down and looking like he had been his by a truck, but he wasn't sleeping.
The curtains were pulled, the bedside lamp on low. Coming closer, he could see that Justin's eyes were red-rimmed and swollen. Not from directly recent tears, but from lack of sleep, distress, and exhaustion. What Sasha knew was that music wasn't just an escape for Justin, it was also therapeutic. He placed his messy pile of dirty clothing on the floor by his suitcase and dumped his shower bag on top of it. His phone had been in the pocket of his jeans, so he took it out and scrolled through his Apple Music, looking for a specific song.
Finding it, he put his phone in Justin's dock and hit play. It was Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran, and with the volume down low so it played softly, Sasha went over to the bed and climbed in beside Justin. He kissed his forehead, and his nose, and finally - softly, tenderly, reassuringly - his lips. He pulled the covers up over Justin and smooth his hand over them so they were tucked in around him. His arms wrapped around him and he nuzzled in against him, their cheeks pressed together.
With words surplus to requirement, this was all Sasha had to offer. He knew it wasn't enough to take away Justin's pain, but if it could soothe it for just a little while, then he would be here for as long as Justin needed him.
sasha stanford ( oc )