Justin Mark Campbell (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likefatherlikeson) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2017-01-28 09:55 pm
likefatherlikeson) wrote in muserevival2017-01-28 09:55 pm
Quote of the Day 015.
"A well-spent day brings happy sleep."
- Leonardo da Vinci
Usually, Justin wasn't a fan of those 'tired but not sleepy' moments. They had a tendency to tip him into the danger zone of overtiredness, which was never a good place for him to be. That night, it didn't feel like a danger zone. It had been a big day, but not really exhausting, surprisingly. Started with a medical appointment, and then a date with the person he felt like he would never tire of spending time with. It was a go big or go home day. Three-part date, starting with the aquarium, a fun yet hilarious stop at Build-a-Bear, dinner, and the Broadway show with VIP tickets.
When they got home, tiredness was kicking in. He was pretty sure Sasha would curl up in a ball on the elevator floor and snooze if it was acceptable behaviour. He wasn't surprised when he came out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth to find Sasha had crashed out waiting for him. They had already taken a shower and gotten in their pyjamas. Sasha was still in his bathrobe and slippers. Dory had settled in the crook of his knee where he was lying on his side, deciding it was a perfect size cocoon for her to sleep in.
Justin scooped her up, cuddled her and kissed her head. "C'mon, girl. You'll get flicked off if he rolls over, you know," he murmured to his pup and put her into her bed on the floor beside his, and tucked her covers in around her. She disappeared beneath them, settle in for the night. Carefully, slowly, he took Sasha's slippers off him, but he wasn't sure he could get the robe off him without waking him. He managed it. Just. Sasha mumbled something, but didn't wake, and rolled over in towards the middle of the bed.
Rounding the bed to climb in the other side, he pulled the fluffy, cosy blankets up over them and pulled the edges in around their shoulders. He didn't hesitate in cuddling up close to Sasha. Arm around his waist, leg draped over Sasha's two; their heads came to rest on the same pillow with noses just inches apart. Justin watched his boyfriend sleep, tenderly stroking his fingers through his curly hair. Today was jam-packed, but he didn't feel exhausted. He didn't feel wiped out. All he felt right now was content.
So many points in his life, Justin didn't want to go on. He wanted to die. Many of those, he wanted to die just to escape. Those were feelings impossible for him to explain to anyone, but he tried. When they asked, he did his best to put some of it into words. Though, he hardly needed to try to Sasha. Sasha just listened to him. Justin could tell how intent he was because Sasha had expressive eyes. Big, bright; you knew when you talked to him, there was no one else in the world but you and him. It was such a simple concept. Justin realised all along, that was one of the only things he needed to keep going. He didn't need them to understand every intricacy of his condition, nor his past. He just needed them to be able to be there for him and listen, so he didn't feel alone.
That day, on their date, he hadn't thought of one negative part of his life. Not one. It took his breath away just a little when he was in the shower thinking back to the silly fun they had at every stop of their date. They talked about many things, but most of it was still more getting to know each other. Sasha spoke a lot about his dad, and his life on the IndyCare circuit. Justin learned how much Sasha actually knew about car racing. Hell, he could make a living out of it. But he had been clear a few times that racing wasn't what he wanted to do. It nearly took his dad's life. That was enough dues paid for their family.
Justin told him about his early days in New York, how he completely fluked getting a callback on his Footloose audition. It was such a whirlwind at the time, he knew now that he didn't remember it with clarity. More of a hazy feeling of pride and accomplishment in the wake of trying to take his own life. He also told Sasha about how it felt meeting his dad for the first time, and how amazing his dad had been. Justin had expected him to hate him, turn him away, want nothing to do with him. All the shit his mother brainwashed him into believing. It hadn't been like that, not even for a moment.
And Sasha talked about Andi. Not of her cancer, not of the fact they learned it would take her life too soon, not of the harrowing hours spent going through chemo. But Andi, his best friend. The funny, bright, mischievous girl who was his partner in crime since they were young kids. They met way back when Sasha's family moved to Boston after his dad's accident. Sasha still remembered the first thing Andi ever asked him: "How does your daddy hug you?"
It was moments like these that Justin knew were what mattered in life. It was these that gave you strength, and kept you going. It was the special people who became your safety net around you, and you knew that even if you broke, they would be there, no questions asked. He had doubted those concepts in recent months, he shamefully admitted. He doubted life, in its entirety. He had been so miserable that he was sure he was no longer capable of feeling happiness. Rock bottom didn't even cover it. Rock bottom was another concept entirely. You could still have privileges, have a roof over your head, meals, nice clothes, friends, family, money... and still feel like you were stuck in a vortex of darkness that you couldn't get out of. It felt like even though you were breathing, you couldn't catch your breath. Your head was forever being pulled beneath a surface you couldn't, but you could feel around you.
Mental illness. It was his life. He couldn't escape it. But it didn't make him immune to feeling content and loved. He was re-learning that now, little by little.
Thanks to this person sharing his bed. Sharing laughs and smiles, cuddles, kisses, and hand-holding throughout their day together. Sharing a meal, sharing dessert, opening doors for each other, taking selfies with fish at the aquarium, sharing a mission to make each other a special teddy to give to the other at Build-a-Bear, halving a Butterfinger bar together, and drinking the same milkshake with a straw each. It was all silly and frivolous fun, but it was together. Justin realised somewhere throughout the course of the evening that his best defence against that suffocating darkness was letting people protect him with light. But they had to want to. They had to be able to fight for him. That was usually where the roadblocks came.
Maybe he wasn't ready to let sleep come yet because he wasn't ready for the day to end. He wanted to watch Sasha sleep, convince himself he was real. He caressed his cheek with the tip of his finger and then tucked a frequently rogue stray curl of hair back around his ear. He knew from experience, it wouldn't stay put. It was one of the many little things about Sasha that made Justin smile.
Fuck, did he never think he would find anyone who would want to love him. Now, he found it for the second time. The first because a victim of his constant painful battle with his mind. It hurt when it crumbled, because he knew it was because of how he was, but he also couldn't change that. So, he gave up the fight. Why fight for something you only continued to lose over and over? Why fight for someone who had given up fighting for you? He had to walk away. Sometimes, things were just too broke to be able to fix.
Now he found it again. A bolt from the blue, completely unexpected, in a way he could never have anticipated. He wasn't taking it for granted. He wanted to become familiar with every little part of Sasha, and wanted to keep feeling him there, keep getting that warm butterfly feel in his gut when he could spend more and more time with him. It was a new beginning, and Justin wasn't quite ready to close his eyes yet and stop basking in the moment that life let him have this priceless second chance.
Justin Campbell
Original Character
- Leonardo da Vinci
Usually, Justin wasn't a fan of those 'tired but not sleepy' moments. They had a tendency to tip him into the danger zone of overtiredness, which was never a good place for him to be. That night, it didn't feel like a danger zone. It had been a big day, but not really exhausting, surprisingly. Started with a medical appointment, and then a date with the person he felt like he would never tire of spending time with. It was a go big or go home day. Three-part date, starting with the aquarium, a fun yet hilarious stop at Build-a-Bear, dinner, and the Broadway show with VIP tickets.
When they got home, tiredness was kicking in. He was pretty sure Sasha would curl up in a ball on the elevator floor and snooze if it was acceptable behaviour. He wasn't surprised when he came out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth to find Sasha had crashed out waiting for him. They had already taken a shower and gotten in their pyjamas. Sasha was still in his bathrobe and slippers. Dory had settled in the crook of his knee where he was lying on his side, deciding it was a perfect size cocoon for her to sleep in.
Justin scooped her up, cuddled her and kissed her head. "C'mon, girl. You'll get flicked off if he rolls over, you know," he murmured to his pup and put her into her bed on the floor beside his, and tucked her covers in around her. She disappeared beneath them, settle in for the night. Carefully, slowly, he took Sasha's slippers off him, but he wasn't sure he could get the robe off him without waking him. He managed it. Just. Sasha mumbled something, but didn't wake, and rolled over in towards the middle of the bed.
Rounding the bed to climb in the other side, he pulled the fluffy, cosy blankets up over them and pulled the edges in around their shoulders. He didn't hesitate in cuddling up close to Sasha. Arm around his waist, leg draped over Sasha's two; their heads came to rest on the same pillow with noses just inches apart. Justin watched his boyfriend sleep, tenderly stroking his fingers through his curly hair. Today was jam-packed, but he didn't feel exhausted. He didn't feel wiped out. All he felt right now was content.
So many points in his life, Justin didn't want to go on. He wanted to die. Many of those, he wanted to die just to escape. Those were feelings impossible for him to explain to anyone, but he tried. When they asked, he did his best to put some of it into words. Though, he hardly needed to try to Sasha. Sasha just listened to him. Justin could tell how intent he was because Sasha had expressive eyes. Big, bright; you knew when you talked to him, there was no one else in the world but you and him. It was such a simple concept. Justin realised all along, that was one of the only things he needed to keep going. He didn't need them to understand every intricacy of his condition, nor his past. He just needed them to be able to be there for him and listen, so he didn't feel alone.
That day, on their date, he hadn't thought of one negative part of his life. Not one. It took his breath away just a little when he was in the shower thinking back to the silly fun they had at every stop of their date. They talked about many things, but most of it was still more getting to know each other. Sasha spoke a lot about his dad, and his life on the IndyCare circuit. Justin learned how much Sasha actually knew about car racing. Hell, he could make a living out of it. But he had been clear a few times that racing wasn't what he wanted to do. It nearly took his dad's life. That was enough dues paid for their family.
Justin told him about his early days in New York, how he completely fluked getting a callback on his Footloose audition. It was such a whirlwind at the time, he knew now that he didn't remember it with clarity. More of a hazy feeling of pride and accomplishment in the wake of trying to take his own life. He also told Sasha about how it felt meeting his dad for the first time, and how amazing his dad had been. Justin had expected him to hate him, turn him away, want nothing to do with him. All the shit his mother brainwashed him into believing. It hadn't been like that, not even for a moment.
And Sasha talked about Andi. Not of her cancer, not of the fact they learned it would take her life too soon, not of the harrowing hours spent going through chemo. But Andi, his best friend. The funny, bright, mischievous girl who was his partner in crime since they were young kids. They met way back when Sasha's family moved to Boston after his dad's accident. Sasha still remembered the first thing Andi ever asked him: "How does your daddy hug you?"
It was moments like these that Justin knew were what mattered in life. It was these that gave you strength, and kept you going. It was the special people who became your safety net around you, and you knew that even if you broke, they would be there, no questions asked. He had doubted those concepts in recent months, he shamefully admitted. He doubted life, in its entirety. He had been so miserable that he was sure he was no longer capable of feeling happiness. Rock bottom didn't even cover it. Rock bottom was another concept entirely. You could still have privileges, have a roof over your head, meals, nice clothes, friends, family, money... and still feel like you were stuck in a vortex of darkness that you couldn't get out of. It felt like even though you were breathing, you couldn't catch your breath. Your head was forever being pulled beneath a surface you couldn't, but you could feel around you.
Mental illness. It was his life. He couldn't escape it. But it didn't make him immune to feeling content and loved. He was re-learning that now, little by little.
Thanks to this person sharing his bed. Sharing laughs and smiles, cuddles, kisses, and hand-holding throughout their day together. Sharing a meal, sharing dessert, opening doors for each other, taking selfies with fish at the aquarium, sharing a mission to make each other a special teddy to give to the other at Build-a-Bear, halving a Butterfinger bar together, and drinking the same milkshake with a straw each. It was all silly and frivolous fun, but it was together. Justin realised somewhere throughout the course of the evening that his best defence against that suffocating darkness was letting people protect him with light. But they had to want to. They had to be able to fight for him. That was usually where the roadblocks came.
Maybe he wasn't ready to let sleep come yet because he wasn't ready for the day to end. He wanted to watch Sasha sleep, convince himself he was real. He caressed his cheek with the tip of his finger and then tucked a frequently rogue stray curl of hair back around his ear. He knew from experience, it wouldn't stay put. It was one of the many little things about Sasha that made Justin smile.
Fuck, did he never think he would find anyone who would want to love him. Now, he found it for the second time. The first because a victim of his constant painful battle with his mind. It hurt when it crumbled, because he knew it was because of how he was, but he also couldn't change that. So, he gave up the fight. Why fight for something you only continued to lose over and over? Why fight for someone who had given up fighting for you? He had to walk away. Sometimes, things were just too broke to be able to fix.
Now he found it again. A bolt from the blue, completely unexpected, in a way he could never have anticipated. He wasn't taking it for granted. He wanted to become familiar with every little part of Sasha, and wanted to keep feeling him there, keep getting that warm butterfly feel in his gut when he could spend more and more time with him. It was a new beginning, and Justin wasn't quite ready to close his eyes yet and stop basking in the moment that life let him have this priceless second chance.
Original Character