Beau Watson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
halfwaytoheaven) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2013-11-14 10:59 am
halfwaytoheaven) wrote in muserevival2013-11-14 10:59 am
042.2. First Person / Blog / Diary
PRIVATE DIARY: "History Repeating"
The asshole thing about the concept of proactive thought is that it’s easy to let yourself pretend the worst won’t happen. The constant awareness that bad things could happen all over again never leaves you, but it’s that awareness that also lets you lock yourself into a mindset of “Fuck you, bullshit, you won’t get me again!” Then you start to think “Ha, really showed that bullshit” or “I totally beat you, asswipe.” It’s like finally getting the best of an asshole bully who has harassed you and tormented you for years, and you finally nab their Achilles Heel and take them down kicking and screaming.
Only, in my case, it’s not a bully that harassed me, tormented me for years and nearly beat me. It’s cancer.
And god-fucking-damnit, I never wanted to meet that horrible bitch ever again. It’s one thing to say you’re a cancer survivor and use it to navigate your life to things most people would take for granted, but it’s another to get those fucking test results all over again and feel like… like some sort of stupid failure. It’s shit enough to bum you out when you get a C- when you were hoping for an A+, but until you face something like this, it’s impossible to know how chilling, sickening and terrifying it is to be told “YAY REMISSION” and then years down the track, “LOL NOPE PSYCH!”
I want to hit something. I want to hit something so hard I break bones in my hand, but just the mere thought of any additional pain to what I’m already facing makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry like I’ll never stop. Ironically, you always do stop. You do, if only because it takes a lot of energy to cry and it’s energy you don’t have to waste.
I don’t know how I’m going to do it all over again. I don’t think I can. What if I can’t? What if this really is the beginning of the end and the last ten years were just for nothing? Why do I have to put my family through this all over again? But worse, why do I have to dump this in my husband’s lap when we’ve only been married all of two weeks.
Why did it have to happen right when everything felt right?
Fuck you, Karma. Fuck you very fucking much.
Beau Watston-Shaw | Original Character | 402 words
The asshole thing about the concept of proactive thought is that it’s easy to let yourself pretend the worst won’t happen. The constant awareness that bad things could happen all over again never leaves you, but it’s that awareness that also lets you lock yourself into a mindset of “Fuck you, bullshit, you won’t get me again!” Then you start to think “Ha, really showed that bullshit” or “I totally beat you, asswipe.” It’s like finally getting the best of an asshole bully who has harassed you and tormented you for years, and you finally nab their Achilles Heel and take them down kicking and screaming.
Only, in my case, it’s not a bully that harassed me, tormented me for years and nearly beat me. It’s cancer.
And god-fucking-damnit, I never wanted to meet that horrible bitch ever again. It’s one thing to say you’re a cancer survivor and use it to navigate your life to things most people would take for granted, but it’s another to get those fucking test results all over again and feel like… like some sort of stupid failure. It’s shit enough to bum you out when you get a C- when you were hoping for an A+, but until you face something like this, it’s impossible to know how chilling, sickening and terrifying it is to be told “YAY REMISSION” and then years down the track, “LOL NOPE PSYCH!”
I want to hit something. I want to hit something so hard I break bones in my hand, but just the mere thought of any additional pain to what I’m already facing makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry like I’ll never stop. Ironically, you always do stop. You do, if only because it takes a lot of energy to cry and it’s energy you don’t have to waste.
I don’t know how I’m going to do it all over again. I don’t think I can. What if I can’t? What if this really is the beginning of the end and the last ten years were just for nothing? Why do I have to put my family through this all over again? But worse, why do I have to dump this in my husband’s lap when we’ve only been married all of two weeks.
Why did it have to happen right when everything felt right?
Fuck you, Karma. Fuck you very fucking much.