Beau Watson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
halfwaytoheaven) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2013-11-29 12:50 pm
halfwaytoheaven) wrote in muserevival2013-11-29 12:50 pm
Entry tags:
Word of the Day 001.
Dismal
One of the first things Beau had done after he went into remission with leukemia the first time around was start writing a Bucket List. He never told anyone about it. One day, he just sat down at the kitchen table with a notebook and started listing all the things he wanted to do now he had a second chance at life. He never thought he would be one to take remission for granted, but when he started the list, it hadn’t been a Bucket List. It had more been taking note of all the things he wanted to do now he had a second chance and he could. It was an unexpectedly long list too.
It was shortly after that when he started to spontaneously check things off it. Often, he wouldn’t plan them, he would just got ahead and do them if the urge hit. Flew to Hawaii to learn how to surf. Enrolled in classes to learn ballroom dancing. Donating a whole pay cheque to a charity and living on Ramen, not just once, but three times. Blowing another whole pay cheque at Atlantic City. Bought the whole range of Harry Potter Lego off eBay and spent four days straight building them all, including Hogwarts. Went cake decorating classes and made a Star Wars themed wedding cake. Bought an Armani suit, never wore it and then gave it to a charity auction to sell. Drove to New Jersey to ride the biggest rollercoaster in the world. Helped in a soup kitchen for three months before his work roster changed and couldn’t keep it up. The list went on, with more and more random ideas as he went on.
Then he got the terrible news that the leukemia was back. It became very stark to him then now much he had been deluding himself that remission wasn’t a guaranteed end of the nightmare. Somewhere between making that list and this recurring diagnosis, he had convinced himself he was living for the moment, que sera sera, and he would live a long and healthy life where he crossed every single item of his list off. Now it was what it really had been all along... a Bucket List. Possibly a concept many found dismal and depressing, but for others, something very meaningful. He hadn’t said it out loud to anyone, but he knew many patients who had cancer a second time never made it. He knew deep down that he couldn’t keep deluding himself, and he had to now live for each day like it literally could be his last, and not live each day to face something new he had never done before because tomorrow was another day. Fuck you, Scarlett O’Hara. Tomorrow was never guaranteed.
Now constantly buzzing at the back of his mind was that this time, he could die. It was a very private thing and he didn’t talk about it with anyone. Nor would he. He wasn’t going to put his family and loved ones through the pain of them thinking that resolving himself to that was possibly him giving up. No one deserved that heartache. He wouldn’t give up. He would keep fighting as long as he had breath left in him, but his time left might be short and he wanted to use it to make memories that meant his life would come to an end and wouldn’t be wasted. He wanted to check out knowing he made his mark on the world, and that every moment was cherished.
He sat on the side of the bed with the notebook in his hands that he kept hidden at the back of his bottom beside drawer. At the top, he had scrawled “To Do List” and the date he had started writing it. Now, with a shaky hand that was unfortunately yet another side effect of the chemo, he scratched that heading out, and careful wrote “Bucket List” there and today’s date. Thanksgiving. Today, he was thankful to still be alive so far, but today he stopped lying to himself and admitted that today might also be his last Thanksgiving.
Beau Watson-Shaw | Original Character | 687 words
One of the first things Beau had done after he went into remission with leukemia the first time around was start writing a Bucket List. He never told anyone about it. One day, he just sat down at the kitchen table with a notebook and started listing all the things he wanted to do now he had a second chance at life. He never thought he would be one to take remission for granted, but when he started the list, it hadn’t been a Bucket List. It had more been taking note of all the things he wanted to do now he had a second chance and he could. It was an unexpectedly long list too.
It was shortly after that when he started to spontaneously check things off it. Often, he wouldn’t plan them, he would just got ahead and do them if the urge hit. Flew to Hawaii to learn how to surf. Enrolled in classes to learn ballroom dancing. Donating a whole pay cheque to a charity and living on Ramen, not just once, but three times. Blowing another whole pay cheque at Atlantic City. Bought the whole range of Harry Potter Lego off eBay and spent four days straight building them all, including Hogwarts. Went cake decorating classes and made a Star Wars themed wedding cake. Bought an Armani suit, never wore it and then gave it to a charity auction to sell. Drove to New Jersey to ride the biggest rollercoaster in the world. Helped in a soup kitchen for three months before his work roster changed and couldn’t keep it up. The list went on, with more and more random ideas as he went on.
Then he got the terrible news that the leukemia was back. It became very stark to him then now much he had been deluding himself that remission wasn’t a guaranteed end of the nightmare. Somewhere between making that list and this recurring diagnosis, he had convinced himself he was living for the moment, que sera sera, and he would live a long and healthy life where he crossed every single item of his list off. Now it was what it really had been all along... a Bucket List. Possibly a concept many found dismal and depressing, but for others, something very meaningful. He hadn’t said it out loud to anyone, but he knew many patients who had cancer a second time never made it. He knew deep down that he couldn’t keep deluding himself, and he had to now live for each day like it literally could be his last, and not live each day to face something new he had never done before because tomorrow was another day. Fuck you, Scarlett O’Hara. Tomorrow was never guaranteed.
Now constantly buzzing at the back of his mind was that this time, he could die. It was a very private thing and he didn’t talk about it with anyone. Nor would he. He wasn’t going to put his family and loved ones through the pain of them thinking that resolving himself to that was possibly him giving up. No one deserved that heartache. He wouldn’t give up. He would keep fighting as long as he had breath left in him, but his time left might be short and he wanted to use it to make memories that meant his life would come to an end and wouldn’t be wasted. He wanted to check out knowing he made his mark on the world, and that every moment was cherished.
He sat on the side of the bed with the notebook in his hands that he kept hidden at the back of his bottom beside drawer. At the top, he had scrawled “To Do List” and the date he had started writing it. Now, with a shaky hand that was unfortunately yet another side effect of the chemo, he scratched that heading out, and careful wrote “Bucket List” there and today’s date. Thanksgiving. Today, he was thankful to still be alive so far, but today he stopped lying to himself and admitted that today might also be his last Thanksgiving.