"Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me." - Wonderwall, Oasis

I'm glad my hands are shaking too much as I write this to the point it will probably be illegible. It's not something I plan on re-reading. Contemplated letting Emilio read it later if he wants to. I'm not exactly skilled in knowing how to get people to understand me when I don't understand myself anymore. I have no idea why he wants to take this on... take me on. But I'm glad he's fighting for me. It's thinking about him that is keeping me propped up through this hell.

( I'm sick as dog, but somehow... I'm welcoming that... )

Cole Carrington
( original character )

"It's always darkest before the dawn." - Shake It Out, Florence + The Machine

There were a couple times the past few days where I thought “If this is what it feels like to be here, to be this way, then I don’t wanna do it.” Stupid, I know. Scared, mostly. It’s a kind of scared that’s different from all the rest. It’s different from huddling in the corner, just waiting for that hand to reach out and yank you away from the comfort of protective walls, beating their version of truth into you. It’s the kind of scared where you look at where you are, who you might be and you don’t know any of it.

But somehow, other people see something. People in my life, they see something and right now, besides being scared? I’m grateful. And I do want to do it. I want to change what’s inside of me and I want people to be proud of me. I want those people I care about so much to see that I am worth their time. That I’m worth fighting for. And I want to let go of the people who do nothing but bring me down and judge me. The ones who made me feel like I wasn’t worth this.

Most of all, I want to see that I’m worth fighting for, because without that, the rest of it doesn’t mean much. Other people can be here, trying to save me, but it’s not up to them, it’s up to me. I’m scared to death I’ve lost some of them, but all I can do from here on out is get better and maybe prove to them that I can do this. Maybe prove to myself that I can fight and find out who I really am, because I have no clue.

It hurts and I’m scared and I may not come out on the other side. But at least I’m trying.

"Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me." - Wonderwall, Oasis

I don’t think Euan would appreciate being called a Fairy Godmother, but that is exactly how it feels like right now. Gratitude just doesn’t seem enough, and I don’t have anyway of truly thanking him or paying him back for what he has done for me. He’s given me a reason to keep living. I realise now how fucked up I really was when, before, I didn’t care whether I lived or died. But he did. It’s been a long time since anyone cared and I guess there is someone else out there who might have been the recipient of his kindness if I hadn’t been where I was when he saw I needed help. I hope whoever they are okay and they’re getting the help they need too.

( The hardest part is that I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve forgotten how to be helped and how to just accept it for what it is without feeling the urge to screw it all up to push it away... )

Noah Cameron :: Original Character

PRIVATE DIARY: "History Repeating"

The asshole thing about the concept of proactive thought is that it’s easy to let yourself pretend the worst won’t happen. The constant awareness that bad things could happen all over again never leaves you, but it’s that awareness that also lets you lock yourself into a mindset of “Fuck you, bullshit, you won’t get me again!” Then you start to think “Ha, really showed that bullshit” or “I totally beat you, asswipe.” It’s like finally getting the best of an asshole bully who has harassed you and tormented you for years, and you finally nab their Achilles Heel and take them down kicking and screaming.

Only, in my case, it’s not a bully that harassed me, tormented me for years and nearly beat me. It’s cancer.

( And god-fucking-damnit, I never wanted to meet that horrible bitch ever again... )

Beau Watston-Shaw | Original Character | 402 words