Zed Blaze (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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muserevival2015-11-15 03:47 pm
zedblaze) wrote in muserevival2015-11-15 03:47 pm
Entry tags:
107.1. Lyrics
"Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you."
• Leave Out All The Rest, Linkin Park
tw: graphic imagery, murder references
It was only the fact Zoran was drugged up to the eyeballs on Valium that prevented him from having a panic attack as soon as he got off the plane in Savannah. He was dressed in black with dark glasses shielding his eyes, and he kept his head low while he was ushered out of the airport by a handful of officials and into a car to drive to the morgue. He never wanted to come back here. It was hard to process the fact he was.
He was still feeling rotten. Being here wasn't helping any of that. There had been offers to have his family come with him, but he turned them all down. He wasn't ready to tell anyone about any of this. He just wanted to get it over with. Inside, he wasn't settled with the decision. Ultimately, he came to it because he knew he just had to know. He had to know if his father was dead. What he would do after that, he just didn't know. He couldn't know. None of this was ever something he thought would ever be a possibility. He never wanted to delude himself like that.
This was the most terrifying thing he had to do in his life. That was saying something, because he had survived through a hell of a lot of pain. This place was imposing, clinically, full of death. He had already been told he wouldn't see the face, but he hadn't been able to ask why. He was pretty sure he would never be able to shed the reason if he had it logged in his mind. He was shaking all over, like he was locked the coldest chill he had ever experienced. He felt woozy and sick. He would never forget the smell of this place.
It took over an hour for him to be able to prepare himself for this. There was a near-faint on the steps on the way into the building. His legs weakened, feeling like they were about to give out from beneath him. He had been helped to sit down before he fell and had to sit there until he felt okay to try to get up again. Inside, the clinical smell of disinfectant permeated his senses. The nausea churned in his gut, and he gave into it, leaning over a trash can in the corridor.
They were all so patient. At the end of the day, it wasn't like the dead body was going anywhere, was it? It was okay. He could take his time. There was no rush. They kept reassuring him over and over. There were about five times that he nearly pulled out, getting upset because he felt like he couldn't go through with it. He didn't want to do this. But if he didn't, he risked never being free again. That tiny glimmer of hope that he might be able to go back to being himself, being Zoran, maybe one day, was all that kept him going.
It would end up being a haze, though the sight of the body lying on the steel slab in the chilled room would stick with him. Probably forever. No, he wouldn't see the face. There was sheet draped over the head and shoulders. Zoran was swallowing back more nausea. This wasn't the first dead person he had seen, but it was the first he had seen up close. The first he might be related to. The first that could be his own flesh and blood.
After looking briefly, he had to avert his eyes, looking up to a strip of small windows near the ceiling, offering a view of a mottled grey sky outside from the lower floor room they were in. "Appendix scar, longer than usual because it was gangrenous. Scar on his back from when he fell off his motorcycle when he was a teenager. Long, abut five inches. Tattoo of a dragonfly in the middle of his back between his shoulder blades with three letters. N Z N. For my sisters and me..."
The whole time he spoke, his face was still averted away. The words were choked and hoarse. It was difficult to get them out. He couldn't look for these identifying marks himself. He didn't want to see any of it. He just wanted to run. He didn't care where. But last time he ran away, he made a grave mistake. Instead, here he was, stood between Julie and Euan. Euan had securing hand on his shoulder and Julie was holding his hand. It felt like forever before anyone moved or spoke to confirm or deny the presence of these marks... to indicate if this was Zoran's father lying cold, dead and brutally murdered on a cold morgue slab before them.
Euan was the one to step away and there was a hushed conversation with the Savannah officials and the pathologist. Nothing was said before Euan came back and Zoran was led away out of the room and back outside into the empty corridor that felt like it went on forever, the footsteps falling on the linoleum echoing. He was led to a seat and sat down, Euan taking the chair beside him. "It's ya' father, Zoran. They wanna take ya' DNA t'firm up the evidence t'launch an investigation."
Zoran just gave the slightest of nods, but he wasn't really processing anything anymore. Shock flooded through him again and all he could do was sit there blankly and stare at the floor. What the hell was supposed to happen next?
- ZED BLAZE -
original character
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you."
• Leave Out All The Rest, Linkin Park
It was only the fact Zoran was drugged up to the eyeballs on Valium that prevented him from having a panic attack as soon as he got off the plane in Savannah. He was dressed in black with dark glasses shielding his eyes, and he kept his head low while he was ushered out of the airport by a handful of officials and into a car to drive to the morgue. He never wanted to come back here. It was hard to process the fact he was.
He was still feeling rotten. Being here wasn't helping any of that. There had been offers to have his family come with him, but he turned them all down. He wasn't ready to tell anyone about any of this. He just wanted to get it over with. Inside, he wasn't settled with the decision. Ultimately, he came to it because he knew he just had to know. He had to know if his father was dead. What he would do after that, he just didn't know. He couldn't know. None of this was ever something he thought would ever be a possibility. He never wanted to delude himself like that.
This was the most terrifying thing he had to do in his life. That was saying something, because he had survived through a hell of a lot of pain. This place was imposing, clinically, full of death. He had already been told he wouldn't see the face, but he hadn't been able to ask why. He was pretty sure he would never be able to shed the reason if he had it logged in his mind. He was shaking all over, like he was locked the coldest chill he had ever experienced. He felt woozy and sick. He would never forget the smell of this place.
It took over an hour for him to be able to prepare himself for this. There was a near-faint on the steps on the way into the building. His legs weakened, feeling like they were about to give out from beneath him. He had been helped to sit down before he fell and had to sit there until he felt okay to try to get up again. Inside, the clinical smell of disinfectant permeated his senses. The nausea churned in his gut, and he gave into it, leaning over a trash can in the corridor.
They were all so patient. At the end of the day, it wasn't like the dead body was going anywhere, was it? It was okay. He could take his time. There was no rush. They kept reassuring him over and over. There were about five times that he nearly pulled out, getting upset because he felt like he couldn't go through with it. He didn't want to do this. But if he didn't, he risked never being free again. That tiny glimmer of hope that he might be able to go back to being himself, being Zoran, maybe one day, was all that kept him going.
It would end up being a haze, though the sight of the body lying on the steel slab in the chilled room would stick with him. Probably forever. No, he wouldn't see the face. There was sheet draped over the head and shoulders. Zoran was swallowing back more nausea. This wasn't the first dead person he had seen, but it was the first he had seen up close. The first he might be related to. The first that could be his own flesh and blood.
After looking briefly, he had to avert his eyes, looking up to a strip of small windows near the ceiling, offering a view of a mottled grey sky outside from the lower floor room they were in. "Appendix scar, longer than usual because it was gangrenous. Scar on his back from when he fell off his motorcycle when he was a teenager. Long, abut five inches. Tattoo of a dragonfly in the middle of his back between his shoulder blades with three letters. N Z N. For my sisters and me..."
The whole time he spoke, his face was still averted away. The words were choked and hoarse. It was difficult to get them out. He couldn't look for these identifying marks himself. He didn't want to see any of it. He just wanted to run. He didn't care where. But last time he ran away, he made a grave mistake. Instead, here he was, stood between Julie and Euan. Euan had securing hand on his shoulder and Julie was holding his hand. It felt like forever before anyone moved or spoke to confirm or deny the presence of these marks... to indicate if this was Zoran's father lying cold, dead and brutally murdered on a cold morgue slab before them.
Euan was the one to step away and there was a hushed conversation with the Savannah officials and the pathologist. Nothing was said before Euan came back and Zoran was led away out of the room and back outside into the empty corridor that felt like it went on forever, the footsteps falling on the linoleum echoing. He was led to a seat and sat down, Euan taking the chair beside him. "It's ya' father, Zoran. They wanna take ya' DNA t'firm up the evidence t'launch an investigation."
Zoran just gave the slightest of nods, but he wasn't really processing anything anymore. Shock flooded through him again and all he could do was sit there blankly and stare at the floor. What the hell was supposed to happen next?
original character