113.5. 10 things

[privateinvestigations]

Ten things that comfort you in hard times

1. Fucking
2. Hitting things
3. Shooting things
4. Booze
5. Weed
6. Hard rock
7. Smokes
8. Long drives in fast cars
9. Not talking to idiots
10. Extensively mocking dickheads

clint chevalier
original character

Comments

Butting in. Don't mind us. <3

[miss_bliss]

I love everything about this list. I may do them all in order until I feel better. Thank you.

no worries!

[privateinvestigations]

The more the fucking better. With the added bonus of offending and pissing off the overly-sensitive wilting petals of the world.

Re: no worries!

[miss_bliss]

...Can I keep you? For real though, that sounds way more fun than being morally responsible or being a sad sack.

[privateinvestigations]

Being a sad sack makes you as boring as fuck. You can guarantee there is at least 10 people in reaching distance thinking "For fuck's sake, shut the fuck up about your shit." May as well own the shit and just fucking deal.

[miss_bliss]

Who are you? Why don't I know you yet? You make so much sense. I think that constantly when people talk to me.

[privateinvestigations]

My name's Clint. I'm one of those people who will say that to your face not just think it. No one is going to fucking care about your shit as much as you do, so may as well spare them, unless you're a fucking vegetable and can't actively do shit to help yourself. You're the only one who can fix it anyway. No fucking miracle fixes in this world.

[miss_bliss]

I'm Nikki. I have spent the last year trying not to be so blunt because I was on this kick to better myself. I have no idea if it worked but being a "good guy" is exhausting and I still ended the year married and immediately divorced so probably not.

[privateinvestigations]

Better yourself to whose fucking standards? You're the only one who makes the call about who you are. There's no one fucking rule set on what being a "good" person is. I make a living out of fucking up pedophiles, I think that's something damn good the world needs. Millions of people get divorced every day because they think they have to belong to someone. It's a piece of paper, it's got nothing to do with who you are. I'm married to my lover's lesbian twin, so sanctity of marriage is nothing to me.

[miss_bliss]

Polite societal standards, I guess. I don't know. I did some really fucked up shit when I was younger and lost my family for it so I was trying mend some bridges. My brother had stipulations like therapy and attending family functions.

As for the marriage, well, I probably shouldn't have rushed into anything but going slow's not my style.

[privateinvestigations]

No such fucking thing. There's only a bunch of twats who think they're holier than thou and have the right to dictate their fake bullshit standards on others. Tell your brother to fuck off. If you need stipulations from family, they ain't family. Has he got your hand up your ass and puppeting every word out of your mouth too? Is he shitting and pissing for you?

Violins. Drag some out and ask someone to play them for you. No one gives a fuck about your failed marriage but you. It's as simple as that.

[miss_bliss]

It wasn't that big of a deal and there are no such stipulations now. There hasn't been for a while. I think at some point it became self-imposed but it's boring and I don't want to do it anymore.

Fine fine, I'll shut up about it. Though I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious about that whole boyfriend's lesbian sister thing.

[privateinvestigations]

Sounds like you've had the life and fun sucked outta you. That'll fucking happen if you're surrounded by buzzkills, emotional vampires, and let judgemental pricks dictate you.

Your life rules are what you fucking make them, and I'm not a conformist.

[miss_bliss]

It sounds like there needs to be a little change. It's time to play by my own rules again.

I got that but how does that even come up? Was it like a citizenship thing or for health insurance?

[imtoofabulous]

1. Have some for me.

[privateinvestigations]

How about fucking no?

[imtoofabulous]

I want you to.

[privateinvestigations]

No, you don't. We had a deal.

[imtoofabulous]

That was before this happened. You're going to drop dead if you can't have a fuck.

[privateinvestigations]

I've got two fucking hands and a dildo, babe. It'll fucking take more than that to eradicate me from this world.

[imtoofabulous]

You've never gone longer than 6 hours without a fuck since you lost your virginity at, like 10 years old.

[privateinvestigations]

It was 12, and she fucking gave me chicken pox. I'm not fucking anyone else without you, babe.

[imtoofabulous]

I was dressed as a fucking Ninja Turtle and throwing a tanty that Em got more Halloween candy than me at 12. I want you to go out and get fucked. It'll help the stress.

[privateinvestigations]

Phwoar, smoking hot, babe. Can we recreate the superhero reptile fantasy when you're better? Not happening.

[imtoofabulous]

How old was the chick you lost your v-card to? Unless I can fucking naked, then no. Alright, I wanna talk to you about something, and I need you to be fucking real with me. What happens if I can't fuck like we used to?

[privateinvestigations]

She was 15. Daughter of a preacher. Still proud of myself for that. Her purity necklace didn't work, that's for sure. You mean, get it up? Have the same stamina?