Liam Kristopher Morgan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wannabesurgeon) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
muserevival2016-09-25 01:57 pm
wannabesurgeon) wrote in muserevival2016-09-25 01:57 pm
Entry tags:
127.1. Lyrics
"I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
'Cause I'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah."
• Happy, Leona Lewis
Liam was sitting on the back step of his childhood home in Battersea, London. It was a dreary and overcast day. The gloomy clouds seemed to be threatening rain, but none had fallen yet. A packet of Marlboro Lights sat on the step beside him. It was almost full, save for the one that was dangling between his fingers as he stared blankly at the beautiful flower baskets his mum had hanging off the garden shed. She always loved having beautiful flowers, even if they had no real garden to speak of. It was just this postage-stamp size backyard that had a small strip of grass beneath the washing line tethered to the back of the house. She made up for it with her flower baskets that would have been flower much more intensely throughout spring and summer.
He usually wasn't a smoker. When he was a teenager, he had smoked socially, yet briefly. It had been ditched as soon as he was accepted into Med School. It was only this exacerbation in his depression and anxiety that had him picking up the cigarettes when he walked to the store at the end of the block to grab some milk. Coffee had been the goal, not lung cancer. Still, the smoke was brought to his lips for a slow drag. He ashed it into a saucer by his feet. His parents didn't have any ashtrays.
Behind him the backdoor opened with a hesitant but enquiring, "Li?"
Liam turned his head, looking up to see who it was. "Pax?" His best friend all through school, right from primary at aged 5 to the end of high school. He hadn't seen Paxton in person for over two years. The last trip home Liam had made, Pax had been away at university. He went to stand to greet his mate, but Pax stopped him, putting a careful feather-light touch to Liam's shoulder.
"Stay there, mate. It's okay," Paxton said softly and stepped out of the house to sit on the step beside Liam after he shifted the smokes and saucer to another step.
Liam watched him in silence. He was close to crying just seeing Paxton there beside him, but his emotions were constantly on the brink lately. This reunion, no matter how subdued, was getting him teary. "How'd you find out I was here?"
Paxton shrugged. "You know the mum grapevine. It's always blazing. Gran was chatting to Mum on Facebook. I was already trying to get some time off to fly over and see you after..." There was hesitation, a look of concern taking residence on Paxton's face.
"OD'ed?" Liam finished for him with a small nod. The cigarette was back to his lips once again and he blew the smoke away from Paxton. He stubbed it out in the saucer before continuing. "They pulled me back, obviously."
"I don't know about that, mate. You kind of look like a zombie." Trust a BFF to state the bleeding obvious. Although a joke, Paxton still sounded worried.
"Accurate deduction," Liam conceded. "I feel like one."
Paxton hesitated for a moment. "I take it a hug is off the menu?"
Liam looked away. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"Don't be. You know me, mate. I get it. You have the reigns, okay? I won't spook you by trying to get into your personal space. But if you change your mind and want me there, you just have to give me the green light..." Paxton knew how much had changed since he and Liam lost their virginity to each other in high school. Liam being brutally raped after he moved to New York for Med School changed everything.
"If it's any consolation, it's not just you," Liam murmured.
"So, not the fiancé returned from the tour duty either?"
Liam locked Paxton's gaze before shaking his head. "Fuck, you're right. That Mum Grapevine is fucking rife. No. Not him. Ex-fiancé. You do know there was someone else after him, right?"
Paxton nodded, unable to stop a little smirk appearing. "Miles, the fellow ginger. You really have a type, huh? Maybe you should tell good ol' Damo to dye his hair. Might have a better chance of sticking then."
"If it's that easy, I'll take it." He went back to look at the flower basket. "Think I'm just better off single. Can't shake the genophobia."
Paxton studied Liam quietly for a few moments, watching how physically closed-in on himself he was. He didn't just look like a zombie, his entire posture was screaming defeated. His words were even flat and monotone. "Fancy word. Doesn't sound even remotely complex enough to describe what it's labelling. When was the last time you had sex at all?"
"Sex? Intercourse?" Liam asked.
Pax nodded. "Sex-sex. Going all the way."
"Before the rape," Liam mumbled and looked away again. "You don't realise how much it's everywhere until you're scared of it. I just want to be happy. I don't remember what happy feels like. I look back, and all I can see it pain and darkness. But to even manage to move forward, I have to go through more pain and darkness. I feel like I can't fucking win. I feel like I don't even want to try."
"How long are you here for?" Pax murmured.
"Indefinitely."
Paxton nodded and then offered his hand out to Liam. "I know I can't step into your shoes and live your life through it for you, but I can hold your hand and walk through it with you, mate. If you want me too. Whatever it takes. Just like old times. Us against the world?"
Liam looked at Paxton's hand. "It's not the same world to me anymore, Pax," he said in a tiny voice that was barely audible. His face crumbled and he put a hand over it when he couldn't stop the tears coming.
"You must be homesick for it. For that world where there's no pain," Pax said, watching Liam in concern, yearning to be able to just wrap him in a hug. Because that is something that should help in the normal world, not the post-traumatic world Liam was trapped in.
"I am," Liam said through a broken sob. "I don't know how to get back."
"What can I do to help you? Anything, mate. Just name it..."
Liam didn't reply, because he didn't know the answer. Instead, he just looked at Paxton helplessly through the tears, and put his hand into Paxton's that was still offered out to him. Liam closed his eyes when he felt Paxton's hand close securely around his and put his head down on Paxton's shoulder. "Don't let go," he whispered, knowing he wasn't just talking about his hand.
"Never," Paxton promised as the rain started to fall, and not even as the heavy drops fell upon them did he let go of Liam's hand.
Liam Morgan || Original Character
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
'Cause I'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah."
• Happy, Leona Lewis
Liam was sitting on the back step of his childhood home in Battersea, London. It was a dreary and overcast day. The gloomy clouds seemed to be threatening rain, but none had fallen yet. A packet of Marlboro Lights sat on the step beside him. It was almost full, save for the one that was dangling between his fingers as he stared blankly at the beautiful flower baskets his mum had hanging off the garden shed. She always loved having beautiful flowers, even if they had no real garden to speak of. It was just this postage-stamp size backyard that had a small strip of grass beneath the washing line tethered to the back of the house. She made up for it with her flower baskets that would have been flower much more intensely throughout spring and summer.
He usually wasn't a smoker. When he was a teenager, he had smoked socially, yet briefly. It had been ditched as soon as he was accepted into Med School. It was only this exacerbation in his depression and anxiety that had him picking up the cigarettes when he walked to the store at the end of the block to grab some milk. Coffee had been the goal, not lung cancer. Still, the smoke was brought to his lips for a slow drag. He ashed it into a saucer by his feet. His parents didn't have any ashtrays.
Behind him the backdoor opened with a hesitant but enquiring, "Li?"
Liam turned his head, looking up to see who it was. "Pax?" His best friend all through school, right from primary at aged 5 to the end of high school. He hadn't seen Paxton in person for over two years. The last trip home Liam had made, Pax had been away at university. He went to stand to greet his mate, but Pax stopped him, putting a careful feather-light touch to Liam's shoulder.
"Stay there, mate. It's okay," Paxton said softly and stepped out of the house to sit on the step beside Liam after he shifted the smokes and saucer to another step.
Liam watched him in silence. He was close to crying just seeing Paxton there beside him, but his emotions were constantly on the brink lately. This reunion, no matter how subdued, was getting him teary. "How'd you find out I was here?"
Paxton shrugged. "You know the mum grapevine. It's always blazing. Gran was chatting to Mum on Facebook. I was already trying to get some time off to fly over and see you after..." There was hesitation, a look of concern taking residence on Paxton's face.
"OD'ed?" Liam finished for him with a small nod. The cigarette was back to his lips once again and he blew the smoke away from Paxton. He stubbed it out in the saucer before continuing. "They pulled me back, obviously."
"I don't know about that, mate. You kind of look like a zombie." Trust a BFF to state the bleeding obvious. Although a joke, Paxton still sounded worried.
"Accurate deduction," Liam conceded. "I feel like one."
Paxton hesitated for a moment. "I take it a hug is off the menu?"
Liam looked away. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"Don't be. You know me, mate. I get it. You have the reigns, okay? I won't spook you by trying to get into your personal space. But if you change your mind and want me there, you just have to give me the green light..." Paxton knew how much had changed since he and Liam lost their virginity to each other in high school. Liam being brutally raped after he moved to New York for Med School changed everything.
"If it's any consolation, it's not just you," Liam murmured.
"So, not the fiancé returned from the tour duty either?"
Liam locked Paxton's gaze before shaking his head. "Fuck, you're right. That Mum Grapevine is fucking rife. No. Not him. Ex-fiancé. You do know there was someone else after him, right?"
Paxton nodded, unable to stop a little smirk appearing. "Miles, the fellow ginger. You really have a type, huh? Maybe you should tell good ol' Damo to dye his hair. Might have a better chance of sticking then."
"If it's that easy, I'll take it." He went back to look at the flower basket. "Think I'm just better off single. Can't shake the genophobia."
Paxton studied Liam quietly for a few moments, watching how physically closed-in on himself he was. He didn't just look like a zombie, his entire posture was screaming defeated. His words were even flat and monotone. "Fancy word. Doesn't sound even remotely complex enough to describe what it's labelling. When was the last time you had sex at all?"
"Sex? Intercourse?" Liam asked.
Pax nodded. "Sex-sex. Going all the way."
"Before the rape," Liam mumbled and looked away again. "You don't realise how much it's everywhere until you're scared of it. I just want to be happy. I don't remember what happy feels like. I look back, and all I can see it pain and darkness. But to even manage to move forward, I have to go through more pain and darkness. I feel like I can't fucking win. I feel like I don't even want to try."
"How long are you here for?" Pax murmured.
"Indefinitely."
Paxton nodded and then offered his hand out to Liam. "I know I can't step into your shoes and live your life through it for you, but I can hold your hand and walk through it with you, mate. If you want me too. Whatever it takes. Just like old times. Us against the world?"
Liam looked at Paxton's hand. "It's not the same world to me anymore, Pax," he said in a tiny voice that was barely audible. His face crumbled and he put a hand over it when he couldn't stop the tears coming.
"You must be homesick for it. For that world where there's no pain," Pax said, watching Liam in concern, yearning to be able to just wrap him in a hug. Because that is something that should help in the normal world, not the post-traumatic world Liam was trapped in.
"I am," Liam said through a broken sob. "I don't know how to get back."
"What can I do to help you? Anything, mate. Just name it..."
Liam didn't reply, because he didn't know the answer. Instead, he just looked at Paxton helplessly through the tears, and put his hand into Paxton's that was still offered out to him. Liam closed his eyes when he felt Paxton's hand close securely around his and put his head down on Paxton's shoulder. "Don't let go," he whispered, knowing he wasn't just talking about his hand.
"Never," Paxton promised as the rain started to fall, and not even as the heavy drops fell upon them did he let go of Liam's hand.
Liam Morgan || Original Character