128.4. Drabble

[livefortoday]

Morning

Getting home that morning, Hunter threw his cars onto the kitchen counter and then stopped, bracing his hands on the edge of it. He let his head drop with a sigh of exhaustion, feeling that telltale lump in his throat warning him that he was dangerously close to tears. He hated these moments when he couldn't separate his personal feeling from his professional ones.

Another young patient, lost to suicide. It was such a waste. He was only human, he wanted to make some sense of it. But he wasn't deluded enough to believe that it wasn't senseless. Mental illness could be dangerous, and sometimes, he was going to lose patients in an horrific way. It never got easier. All he had been able to do was pull an all-nighter to be there for the family, trying to help them through.

He only had a session with the girl the day before too. Some inner blame was trying to bubble up inside him, but he was focusing on all that advice he had ever received in debriefing right now. Crashing in bed was what he needed, but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. Without thinking about it, he took out his phone and hit dial on the top number now with pride and place at the top of his favourites list.

"Meli, babe, sorry I woke you. But do you think you could come over? I don't want to be alone right now..."

hunter alexander | original character

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[livefortoday]

Hunter had glanced at the clock when he heard his apartment buzzer go, realising she must have literally left as soon as they ended the call to have gotten there that quick. With breakfast, and looking adorable in flannel Wonder Woman pyjamas too. If his mood wasn't so low, he would've been laughing by now. He was so damn lucky to have met her. She had one of the biggest hearts he'd ever come across. Her last question exhibited that, in a nutshell.

Once inside, he leaned in to give her a kiss and let his fingers thread through her hair. He took the paper bag and cup tray off her to put on the counter so he could pull her into a much-needed hug. "One of my longer-term patients completed last night," he mumbled. "I should be used to it, I know."

[magicmelody]

"Why? Because you're a grown up and we're all expected to adult? That's not an automatic Get Out of Jail Free Card on the tough shit in life. In fact, we're more aware of the tough shit when we're adults. A child's death is never not going to be tough shit," Melody told him softly. She had no idea how he did the job he did, but she knew to have gotten to where he was, he was a special sort of person delivered to this world for a purpose as it was.

She rubbed his back and didn't release the hug to kiss his cheek, letting it linger. "Boy or girl? How old?" she asked, wanting him to know he could talk about it if he needed. "Or we can just eat, or shower, or sleep. You give the green light, babe."

[livefortoday]

Hunter pointed between them. "Which one of us is supposed to be the counsellor here?" he asked her with a faint smile. "I think you might be better at it than I am. It's it natural talent, or plenty of practice on Zoran? He's opened up a bit about his life, and even if what he has told me is intense, I get a feeling it's only scratching the surface. One thing he has said over and over, though, is how amazing you are, and how much you take care of him. Not sure what I did to deserve the same treatment."

"I should probably try all of the above at some point. Let's just sit for a minute so I can try to unwind..." It wouldn't be an easy feat after the night he had. "It was a girl. She's seventeen. Been my patient for roughly a year and a half. Hasn't been an inpatient for about six months, though. I'd say we didn't see it coming, but that's reckless practice in a job like ours. The very fact they're our patients means we're meant to never assume anything. Every suicide, there's a tiny part of me that takes me back to my past."

[magicmelody]

"Plenty of practice," Melody decided with little hesitation. "Maybe a bit of natural talent in that I don't want to see the people I love suffering. And I want to know how they are, and at least be there for them if they're not okay. Natural listener, yes. Not so much on the natural counsellor. I don't want to try to band-aid over any of your troubles, because I know it's not as simple as as trying to offer amateur armchair therapy." She brought the food and coffee through to his living room for him, but instead of getting distracted by them, she sat close to Hunter and tenderly stroking her fingers through his hair, her eyes sweeping over him in discreet assessment of how he was holding up.

She stayed close and listened. "I know I can't understand in the same way, or even assume that just because I can empathise with emotions that I know exactly how you're feeling or how to fix it. Hell, you probably aren't even looking for fixed. But I do understand that sort of pain with what I dealt with with Zoran. I mean, he didn't complete, but he did come very close. I really thought I'd lose him. You're human. You can't eradicate your memories. But you know their pain, because you've lost someone close to you to suicide too. It's why you're so good at what you do. I heard that first hand from Justin."

[livefortoday]

"You know, in my years of experience, those who are the most compassionate and caring are often the ones most scarred in the past. They have an empathy that can only come from feeling the pain themselves. That's not to say those who haven't don't have empathy. It's just a different type," Hunter mused. He was softly running his fingers through Melody's red hair, appreciating her presence and company on this hard as fuck day. "A lot of the time, a kind ear and a shoulder to cry on is all you need. This one is tough. The girl had made friends with Cassidy and Justin during her last admission, and I don't even know if telling them will be a good idea. Their own mental health has been fragile lately. But then in some teens, hearing someone their own age has comepleted can be a reality check, or they use it to empower themselves. My head is just in a mess trying to think it all through. There'll be debriefing over the next few days, but that doesn't stop you thinking about it now, you know?"

He nodded, and rested his head down on her shoulder. He was still lightly caressing her hair. It had been a long time since he felt this level of affection and contentment with anyone. Melody defied all barriers. "You do get it. How did you cope when all that was happening? I mean, he is your best friend, he's like a brother to you. You were each other's support for ages. But then it's him emotionally disconnecting, so you had to have felt alone and scared. How did you hold up?"

[magicmelody]

Hunter was tall and well-built. Melody liked how strong he felt against her or in her arms. She wasn't accustomed to dating. She always had her heart wrapped up tightly, and the last relationship of any significance was with a woman. She was still in the adjustment phase of dating a guy, but it had all been flowing easily in the right direction. It wasn't a perfect set of circumstances by any means, but she had never been searching for perfection. Quite the opposite, she knew everything in life was flawed in its own way. If it appeared as perfection, it was usually a mask with scar tissue below. That was the epitome of both of them, really. She didn't have to try with Hunter. To her, that was a sign of how genuine he was.

"That's a really tough call, sweetheart. But this is 2016 and social media is more of a staple than toilet paper or food. They'll find out one way or another. Wouldn't it be better that sort of bad news coming from someone like you, who gets it? Then, say, they do find out on Facebook, they'll wonder why you didn't tell them and it will break down your whole therapeutic relationship with them. Especially Justin. Poor kiddo has a lot of trust issues. I've seen him at his worst too, and we all need to do what we can to help to keep him on the straight and narrow." She gave a lot of thought to his question, her cheek resting against the top of his head as they fell into silence. "I don't know how I coped. Put my own shit aside so I could be there for him. He needed me. Mostly, I was just terrified he'd die."

[livefortoday]

Hunter scrunched his face up, conflicted. "I know. You're right. I was trying to hold onto a sliver of delusion here that maybe they wouldn't need to find out right away, but the last thing that would do Justin any good would be to find out secondhand. He's a really strong kid when he has to be. He intercepted Cas with a gun to her head and talked her down. That's not child's play. Some people out there wouldn't know how to help anyone else if they have their own mental issues. He knew something wasn't right with her, and he just acted. This is a kid who has had multiple attempts himself. You know that, you saw him in the middle of an episode. But almost-suicide is very different to completion. I don't know if he's ever known someone directly who has taken their own life. Only known of them with his charity work."

He lifted his head from her shoulder and softly cupped her cheek so he could pull her close for a kiss. "Your PJs are cute, you know. A tiny hint of light in an otherwise fucking awful day. I don't think you realise how you have that effect on people. And trust me, I have it direct from the horse's mouth how much you have meant to Zoran over the years. He and I have been talking a lot lately. Mostly, he's been giving me the third degree about my intentions. And the fourth, fifth and sixth degree while he's at it. I'm mincemeat if I hurt you."

[magicmelody]

"Slivers of delusion are usually the ones that get us into the most trouble. Without giving any details he doesn't want widely known, one of Zoran's biggest slivers of delusion nearly had him dead. That's not even an exaggeration. He came close to dying more than once in recent months." Melody was listening in sad disbelief. "Is she okay? In a perfect world, no kids their age should have to face things like that. In perfect world, if that was the case, you wouldn't have a job either. Idealising is humans' biggest flaw. You know they understand the complexities of suicide, though. As awful as it is to realise that. I did see him, and it was horrific. I'll never forget his eyes. Don't you think the fact he's nearly taken his own might mean he gets that sometimes, life is too much to keep going with?"

She smiled at the kiss and looked at her pyjamas. "These are so old, they should've been retired with the dinosaurs. I could tell from your voice on the phone that we weren't going to be heading to One If By Land for a fancy-schmancy dinner. I'm glad you two are talking, though. He doesn't warm easily to people, but he was eager when you were interested in coming on board. I think he knows you'll get that he's a trauma survivor and not judge the mistakes he made from it. His bark is worse than his bite, though. You wouldn't have stood a chance right off the bat if he felt like you were going to hurt me." She reached over to get the drink for him, putting it pointedly in his hand. "At least get a bit of something into your belly."

[livefortoday]

"He was nearly murdered by his dad, wasn't he? He touched on it very briefly. That his dad was mentally ill." Hunter shook his head. "She's not quite okay. She was bullied by a group of awful kids at her school. Kids can be such cruel assholes when they're teenagers. She's going to school with her other friends now, and she was excited about that. Mentally and emotionally, she needs some more time. She sees Justin as a mentor or figurehead, that he fought what he has and still keeps going. That can always be a helpful thing for kids with psychological issues. Having the visual of other people facing the things they do, it can give them strength. But this is where I have the flipside of that. Another poor kid who killed herself. I think you're right, though. With this thing, Justin might push through and be okay with it."

He snickered and gave a little tug on her pyjama pants. "Not old, well-loved. And I'd be happy to get you out of them. In the name of stress relief and all that. Comfort sex? Is that a thing? I can't say I've ever experienced it, though. We have been talking. He's an interesting guy. Complex. So, what about you? Are you protective of his choice of lovers too?" he asked and gratefully accepted the drink she gave him.

[magicmelody]

There was hesitation before Melody nodded. "In the bare bones, censored version, yes. Zoran suffered a lot of ongoing... trauma through his teens. He might open up to you more about it once he knows he can trust you. He's been better talking about some of it. I'd say brace yourself when he does, though. It's heartbreaking." Hearing about Cassidy, though, a she was frowning, shaking her head. "Fuck. Kids can be such assholes. Anyone who is different, they suffer so much for being themselves. That's how Z and I gravitated towards each other when he came to my school. We were both so different. So, if Justin's the mentor, who is his mentor? I think he'd like to know, but do you warn his folks of a possible fallout from it?"

"I hear comfort sex is a thing, though I can't say I've ever had it. Sex to try to forget about shit, yes, but I think this might be better still. Only after you eat, though." She leaned comfortably in against him, and this time attempted to hold a McMuffin up to his lips. "I am... to an extent. Mostly because Zoran's partner is his childhood friend, that crosses into all those trauma boundaries. Even being part of the problem in the past. So, as protective as I am inside, it's complex. The biggest thing I've had to learn to do is not push Caleb in front of a bus so he doesn't hurt Z again."