133.5. Ten Things

[likefatherlikeson]

Ten hopes for the future

1. To still be able to perform until I'm dead
2. My dad to get his mojo back
3. My little sister not to fall in love with someone I have to punch
4. Keep doing as much for my chosen charities as possible
5. My illness to stabilise some day
6. To be stronger than my past traumas
7. To find my soul mate to wake up with every day
8. For the suicidal feelings to leave me
9. My family and friends to be happy
10. Peace

Justin Campbell
Original Character

Comments

[valuetosurvival]

I really think you're stronger than you believe you are. Or you wouldn't still be here. You literally stand up and perform on days when your whole world is bottoming out from under you. That's strength, love.

[likefatherlikeson]

Well, that's really not your call to make. I'm the one that has to live with it. Everyone else just has to witness the aftermath. No, that's not strength. That's survival. That's doing the only thing left when everything else is burning around me. If people think it's strength, they don't get it at all.

[valuetosurvival]

I guess not being able to see it from where you see it gives a different perspective, but you're right. It isn't my call to make. I can't speak for you. It just blows my mind the things you manage to overcome. And it makes me really proud to know you.

[likefatherlikeson]

Still my life. My perspective is all I know. You would love me to say I've overcome shit, wouldn't you? That I'm strong, and it's all going to get better. It's not. This is me, and it's not just going away. You couldn't be arsed with it when it's hard, you only want the easy. You disappear until it gets easy. So, that's what this is? Waiting for me to say "Oh, you're SO right, Will. I'm so strong and I've overcome it all! Let's run away into the sunset and post how happy we are all over social media." Just not Facebook. That's not allowed.

[valuetosurvival]

I don't think you've magically overcome all the things. That's not what I meant. And I don't want you to just bow to whatever I say or pretend that everything is magically better when it's not. I just think... Forget it. It doesn't matter what I think. It's your life and your struggles and no one, no matter how much they love you or how aware they are of your struggles, has a right to say how you deal with them. I'm sorry. I didn't have a right. I don't want it to be easy. Nothing in life worth having is easy. I don't know how to fix this, Justin. But I know that I want to if there's a way.

[likefatherlikeson]

I don't think there is a way. I'm fed up. I'm not going back and just waiting until this happens again. You're all apologetic and humble now, but it doesn't take away the fact you broke your promise. I need someone who is okay with being there for me unconditionally, not on timeshare.

[valuetosurvival]

I know. I broke my promise. I didn't mean to do it, but that doesn't change that I did. I want to do what's right, and I want us to share our lives. We used to be so good at it, too. I want to promise you that I'll get it right this time, but fuck... My promises aren't worth very much to you right now. I love you, but I'm not stupid enough to think that loving you is enough to make everything right again.

[likefatherlikeson]

You don't know what's right, Will. You proved that to me by blaming all this on being lost.

[valuetosurvival]

I do. I know that what's right is being there for the people you love when they need you. It's not running away when things get hard. It's not hiding from the responsibilities that come with loving someone. It's being steady and supportive and loving whenever they need you. What's right is checking on your boyfriend when he's not feeling well, and his uncle is ill and his parents are splitting. All of those things are right. And I... I don't think it was ever being lost so much as just losing my grip on everything going on in my life and prioritizing badly. I wasn't lost so much as just really fucked in my priorities. And then I panicked and made everything about a million times worse.

[likefatherlikeson]

Well, you can talk the talk. I'll give you that.

[valuetosurvival]

I can walk the walk, too. I haven't proven it very well lately, but I know that I can.

[likefatherlikeson]

So, what? You know it. Great. Good for you.

[valuetosurvival]

You know it, too. You've seen it. We've been through a lot together that we got through as a team.

[likefatherlikeson]

Pfft, yeah. I saw it. And I saw it fizzle and burn too. Actually, no. There's been a whole lot I had to do on my own because you were fuck knows where. That's not a team.

[valuetosurvival]

You're saying that as if I've never been there for you through anything hard in the entire time we've been together. I know that I've failed you, but I also know that I haven't missed every single hard thing ever.

[likefatherlikeson]

No, I'm saying that as if you weren't there when I needed you the most. Stop putting words in my mouth. I'm not begging you to be there for me.