muserevival | 133.5. Ten Things

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133.5. Ten Things

Ten hopes for the future

1. To still be able to perform until I'm dead
2. My dad to get his mojo back
3. My little sister not to fall in love with someone I have to punch
4. Keep doing as much for my chosen charities as possible
5. My illness to stabilise some day
6. To be stronger than my past traumas
7. To find my soul mate to wake up with every day
8. For the suicidal feelings to leave me
9. My family and friends to be happy
10. Peace

Justin Campbell
Original Character

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Can I just say thank you for being so amazing? You've made my year.

You don't have to thank me. Trust me, you've helped me too.

I was so sure you would just, like, have an hour with me to be nice, and then have a pile of other stuff you needed to get to.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm not an asshole ;) Well, I can be, but there's usually a reason. If I couldn't have gone the whole distance with it, I wouldn't have come back from Australia for it.

Oh, really? There I was thinking you were an epic bastard. Hang on... you came back from Australia for this? I thought you were already back!

I'll try to keep that part of my multiple personalities at bay. Because apparently having bipolar means you actually have all the mental illnesses in one with no distinction beyond being a psycho. No, I came back. I was going to stay, then I got the call about you and Andi.

People are so dumb they actually think that? Have they not heard of Google? I found plenty about your illness when I went looking this morning. Justin, fuck. You didn't have to do that. It was just a wild stab in the dark for Andi. She's sort of devil-may-care now. What's she got to lose and all that.

You read about bipolar? She may be, but her wild stab in the dark worked, because right now, I don't think there's anything more important I'd rather be doing. Her situation puts life into perspective. And I can tell you needed the timeout from stuff too.

I did, yeah. I wanted to learn about it, to understand. It's just hard. Knowing her time is running out, and trying to do as much for as I can, but I also help Mom care for Dad, so it's been... hard. I'm sorry, though. I know stuff has been hard for you too, and I wouldn't have agreed if I knew you had to come all the way back for it.

I wish there were more people in the world like you. Have you told her that? It's okay if you haven't. You can talk to me about it. I wanted to come. I needed to come. You just gave me the push I needed. I haven't laughed as much in months as I did with you yesterday.

Edited 2016-12-06 04:22 (UTC)

Ignorance is the root of all evil. The last thing I would want to do is assume I know anything about you, but I can at least understand the basics of the illness. I don't want to lay that on her. It's not her fault she's running out of time. I can't decide if the rainbow angel or the glitter Rudolph nose was the funniest.

What you read didn't scare you away? Tell me to piss off our of your business if you want, but if you need someone to talk to about it, I can listen. Rainbow angel, though. You missed the mistletoe part...

No, but it scared me for you. Life must be hard with your emotions scrambled like that. I don't want to tell you to piss off. Truth of the matter is, I haven't talked to anyone about this stuff. Not even Andi. Um, I was more purposefully discreetly avoiding that part.

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You're already stronger than your past traumas, Justin. You haven't overcome them, but you're strong enough to get there someday.

You really think that? Because that's not true at all.

I really think you're stronger than you believe you are. Or you wouldn't still be here. You literally stand up and perform on days when your whole world is bottoming out from under you. That's strength, love.

Well, that's really not your call to make. I'm the one that has to live with it. Everyone else just has to witness the aftermath. No, that's not strength. That's survival. That's doing the only thing left when everything else is burning around me. If people think it's strength, they don't get it at all.

I guess not being able to see it from where you see it gives a different perspective, but you're right. It isn't my call to make. I can't speak for you. It just blows my mind the things you manage to overcome. And it makes me really proud to know you.

Still my life. My perspective is all I know. You would love me to say I've overcome shit, wouldn't you? That I'm strong, and it's all going to get better. It's not. This is me, and it's not just going away. You couldn't be arsed with it when it's hard, you only want the easy. You disappear until it gets easy. So, that's what this is? Waiting for me to say "Oh, you're SO right, Will. I'm so strong and I've overcome it all! Let's run away into the sunset and post how happy we are all over social media." Just not Facebook. That's not allowed.

I don't think you've magically overcome all the things. That's not what I meant. And I don't want you to just bow to whatever I say or pretend that everything is magically better when it's not. I just think... Forget it. It doesn't matter what I think. It's your life and your struggles and no one, no matter how much they love you or how aware they are of your struggles, has a right to say how you deal with them. I'm sorry. I didn't have a right. I don't want it to be easy. Nothing in life worth having is easy. I don't know how to fix this, Justin. But I know that I want to if there's a way.

I don't think there is a way. I'm fed up. I'm not going back and just waiting until this happens again. You're all apologetic and humble now, but it doesn't take away the fact you broke your promise. I need someone who is okay with being there for me unconditionally, not on timeshare.

I know. I broke my promise. I didn't mean to do it, but that doesn't change that I did. I want to do what's right, and I want us to share our lives. We used to be so good at it, too. I want to promise you that I'll get it right this time, but fuck... My promises aren't worth very much to you right now. I love you, but I'm not stupid enough to think that loving you is enough to make everything right again.

You don't know what's right, Will. You proved that to me by blaming all this on being lost.

I do. I know that what's right is being there for the people you love when they need you. It's not running away when things get hard. It's not hiding from the responsibilities that come with loving someone. It's being steady and supportive and loving whenever they need you. What's right is checking on your boyfriend when he's not feeling well, and his uncle is ill and his parents are splitting. All of those things are right. And I... I don't think it was ever being lost so much as just losing my grip on everything going on in my life and prioritizing badly. I wasn't lost so much as just really fucked in my priorities. And then I panicked and made everything about a million times worse.

Well, you can talk the talk. I'll give you that.