Trust me.

Scott sent me pictures this morning from the track. It's raining a little in Daytona but nothing I couldn't handle. Andy Priaulx posted one of the day's fastest laps in the No. 69 Ford GT. He's in Tony's car. Tony just had a birthday too. It's impossible not to think of all the things I'm missing sitting out of the Roar Before The Rolex 24, and the Rolex 24 at Daytona that will take place in just a few weeks.

( No race is ever just a race for me. )

--
Shelby Manning
Need For Speed OC
568 words

Taking Chances

It's weird how meeting my biological father feels like it has changed everything. Not in a bad way. I never expected to want to meet him. I've known for years now that he always told my moms that if I wanted to meet him, he would do it. It was impossible to not feel scared or nervous. In the wake of feeling so scared and nervous thinking I might have had cancer, though, this is child's play.

I didn't know that he had leukemia until I started to get sick and my moms told me. It wasn't as easy as getting a blood test, because apparently the body could be a fucked up place sometimes, and there were all sorts of weird and wonderful types of cancer you could have. That all aside, I didn't end up having it, but I was pretty fucking sick. Never felt that bad in my life. When it was happening, Mom told me that Flynn - that's my dad - had been asking about me and told me that they had been sending him updates about me with photos all my life.

( What I knew was that he was the sperm donor when my moms wanted a kid. At the time, even if he was pretty young, he said that because he never had a dad himself, that if I ever got to a point in my life I wanted to meet him, he would be down with that... )

- Jett Levesque -
Original Character

Supposed to be

The only greater agony in this world than knowing your child is hurting, is knowing you contributed to the pain. Only a parent truly understands that any pain they ever felt before, doesn’t even reach how you feel when your kid is suffering. The burning ache that you would literally die for them to stop never fades.

You’re supposed to be the best parent you’re capable of, and knowing you failed feels like an inexcusable fate. There are no excuses. There is only getting your fucking shit together and fixing what you screwed up. When my son first came to find me, I thought I had to do whatever it took not to cry in front of him. I thought he needed some sort of cookie-cutter perfect father figure who had all his ducks in a fucking row to make up for the time lost with him.

( He never needed that from me. I soon learned that it’s impossible not to cry when your kid is in pain... )

MARK CAMPBELL // Original Character

The night before

New York is alive with the buzz of impending history. UFC 205 is less than 24 hours away and I'm sitting in a hotel room drinking my Mountain Dew and realizing tomorrow I'll be in the third row. Watching someone I'm friends with get punched in the face.

This has been an interesting experience. I have never seen somebody pick up a chair and threaten to use it at a press conference. If I even so much as looked the wrong way at somebody in one of my press conferences I'd get told off twice; first by my team owner and then again when my father found out. We have an unspoken professional respect that exists. But there is no such thing in the UFC. Here, apparently, it's a lot of mutual animosity.

( Unless, of course, you are referring to one David Burton. )

--
Shelby Manning
Need For Speed OC
725 words

Love Takes Time

It's a strange situation when the person you found yourself falling head over heels in love with suddenly doesn't remember who you are at all. But that's exactly what happened, and it still ruins me every time I walk into that hospital room and he doesn't know me. Somehow, I can't stop myself from doing it. I've given him gifts, checked in on him on a regular basis, and seen him in hopes that he'd recognize me. Every time I go in, if he's awake and with it, he smiles... that sweet smile that I was falling so hard for. But not the same. The recognition isn't there. He sees me, and he's happy because he loves people... He just loves to talk to people and make new friends. He doesn't realize when he's looking at me that I'm not a new friend.

There's something heartwrenching about that. Maybe it's not meant to be. I don't know if he'll ever remember me. Nate tells me that he loves the blanket that I got for him, but that when he's told it's from me, he doesn't remember my name, but says to tell me thank you. Honestly, I don't know how many more times I can go through this... Seeing him, wanting so much to see that flash of recognition in his eyes -- to know that he remembers something. Anything really. It isn't there. I don't know if it ever will be. I don't want to give up on him or on the chance of there being an us, but how can someone fall in love with you when sometimes he doesn't even remember you from one visit to the next?

And why on earth does it hurt so much when he and I haven't even known one another that long? I ask myself why I'm still hanging on... and when it will be time to walk away.

And when it is... if I'll even be able to.


Lila Jenkins
Original Character

I got a feeling

The last thing in the world you really expect to see when you're going for a job interview meeting thingie with your friend/dude you had a crush on's boss is to see said dude you had a crush on giving another dude a really hot kiss in the hallway of the hospital. I mean, granted, it was a really hot kiss, and it's not like I thought I had a chance with Rhys anyways. I mean, I blew it. I keep blowing it. With everybody, and I don't understand why I can't seem to get my shit together. But then there's the whole thing where the dude he was kissing was Miles, which is his BFF and his roommate.

( Read more... )

Say goodbye

Hey Batman,

It's taken me over 48 hours to decide whether I should even write this. I still don't know what to say, because I'm not used to not having you here to talk to face-to-face. But I know why you're away, and fucking hell, do you need it, babe. You're so broken and damaged, and my heart has felt like it was being ripped out by the roots because I couldn't do anything to stop the pain. Have we gotten weird since you started dating Caleb? Maybe it's just because I don't know him. He's a complete fucking stranger. I don't know how to talk to him. Is that wrong? You've slipped away from me, and that hurts.

But that doesn't mean you've stopped being a part of me. You're my partner in crime. For so long, it was just you and me against the world, and now I just feel so alone and you feel like you're a universe away. Are you? Have you come back to us at all, or are you still so lost and in pain? I miss you. There aren't enough words to say how much, but I do.

( I lost the baby, Z. It was a little boy, and we were going to call him Phoenix, for you... )

Melody Winters - Original Character

Lose control

It's sometimes hard to resist the temptation to fucking punch whining pussies in the face. Especially privileged ones. Maybe someday it'll be legal and I'll have free range. Nice to fucking dream. But I can't lose control. Luckily, wanting to keep good with the cops to maintain an in with them stops me doing it. That, and needing to be here to take care of my family and I'd rather waste my energy on people I care about. What's impossible to resist is staring at them and wondering if they realise how fucking dumb they sound moaning about their miserable existences in hopes some poor sod will listen and cater to their whining. Fortunate for me, I make it my job to steer clear of dickheads like that... unless they've done anything significantly dumb enough to hurt my family. Free range then, and it's a guaranteed promise it won't be pretty.

( I've learned life's too fucking short. It can be over in a heartbeat. Fucking literally. Right before your eyes... )

clint chevalier
original character

"So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
'Cause oh that gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me we'll be alright."

Where to start with today?

I thought I had it within my reach. I could taste that repeat victory. Driving up front for most of the first third of the race, slugging it out back and forth with Hinch - that was some of the most fun racing I've ever done and it felt good. Strong. Like I had the car to beat for the second year in a row.

( And then it all went horribly wrong. )

--
Shelby Manning
Need for Speed OC
614 words

Fucked Up

I’ve been wondering if there is ever a way to really redeem yourself from a fuck up. Or do people just always remember it and the way they feel about you or see you has changed for good? It feels like everything has changed. I know I did fuck up, even if I didn’t fuck up in the actual way they assumed I did. I should have been more careful, I know. I’ll wear it. This shit is happening now, and there’s no choice but to deal and make the best of a weird as fuck situation.

( I wanted to stay honest about the whole thing. Keeping secrets is hard. Lying is even harder... )

# Finlay Bennett | Original Character

"You cast a spell on me, spell on me
You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me
And I decided you look well on me, well on me
So let's go somewhere no one else can see, you and me."

This friggin' song. This was the song that was playing over the PA before driver introductions at the Indianapolis 500, for whatever reason. And so every time I hear it, for a couple of seconds I find myself back in that moment.

There's no bigger race for me than the Indianapolis 500. I grew up watching it, not on television but at the track every year as my dad worked the rail. Obviously the first few years I was too young to remember but when I was five, still rolling around the house in my big blue Power Wheels, I turned to Dad and with a straight face told him I wanted to win the Indianapolis 500. I pretended that Ford Mustang was an IndyCar for years.

So much history is involved. Even if you push aside all the motor racing history, even in my own individual life this race is huge. I watched Sarah Fisher drive the Indy 500 not knowing that someday she would ask me to come drive for her. I cheered for Scott when he won in 2008 even though I was doing it from London, and for Ryan from a couch in New York in 2014. One of my teammates, Helio Castroneves, is a three-time Indianapolis 500 winner.

( And then there's me. )

--
Shelby Manning
Need for Speed OC
819 words

"Can I be happy now
Can I break free somehow
I just wanna live again
Love again
Pick my pride up off of the ground."

Today was not the day I wanted it to be. I really thought we had a chance at repeating as overall winners, especially with how relaxed everyone was - myself included - going into race weekend. I thought that at worst we'd make the top ten. I didn't come to Daytona a second time to finish thirteenth overall and seventh in the Prototype class. I wanted a better start to my season than this.

( It keeps replaying back in my head. )

--
Shelby Manning
Need for Speed OC
738 words

I miss you

There are very few things I dislike about my job. But if you asked me to name one, it would be the fact that I'm always leaving people.

I've been doing it since high school. I broke up with my boyfriend to go to college. In college I left behind someone I might have dated because I knew I was going to Europe. Then I had to leave my teammates at Aston Martin to come back to Indy Lights. Leave my Indy Lights team to move up to IndyCar. I got released by my first IndyCar team and came back to work for another.

( And every season I'm constantly leaving. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need for Speed OC
528 words

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time."

There was a time where I would never have considered leaving my former race team. Sarah Fisher Hartman Racing was supposed to be the place I'd spend my career. They had given me my break into the league. I was working for Sarah Fisher, who was the perfect boss for a young female driver looking to make her name. Every day I got to work side by side with my father and with Peter Fowler, who was as good as my brother. The only thing I wanted to do more than drive the No. 64 car was win.

( And that's what it came down to. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need for Speed OC
875 words

"And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall."

It's a close to perfect day for Shelby. Her alarm goes off at four in the morning, and she rolls over in her own bed feeling rested and ready to face the day even though daylight hasn't even broken yet. She takes a nice long shower, then still has to chuckle as she pulls on another bright red Chip Ganassi Racing polo and the matching black jacket out of her closet. She's the first one up in the whole house, so she puts the coffee on before making herself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and sitting at the kitchen table with breakfast and the early morning reruns of last night's sports news. Even well aware of what's ahead, she finds herself completely relaxed.

At five-fifteen she's got keys and Oakley sunglasses in one hand, the duffel bag containing all of her race gear in the other as she walks out the door. The keys go to the Corvette she earned for winning the Indianapolis 500, which spends the other eleven months out of the year in the garage. Not today, as she puts the gear bag in the back, slips credentials around her neck and the sunglasses into her pocket, then fires up the engine. No one else can hear her, so she turns up the Nicki Minaj album as she drives her way toward her office. At least twelve hours of work are in front of her, and she really wouldn't want it any other way.

( This isn't just what she does, but it's who she is. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need for Speed OC
1201 words

Making changes

Today's the big day. The official first day of my 2016 racing season. I'm home in Daytona, where I'm reporting for duty with Ford Chip Ganassi Racing, sitting in meetings and putting finishing touches on our car in advance of Friday's Roar Before the Rolex 24. Which is in itself just a big warm-up to defend our Rolex 24 title at the end of the month. But it's part of the job, so we're all here, drinking coffee and asking idly how the offseason was.

Everything feels so different than it did last year. I wasn't here for the Roar last year, so I'm able to spend more time with the team and help shake down the car, rather than showing up a few days before race day and going in cold. I can't stop being amused at walking around in a Chip Ganassi Racing polo when I know my closet back in Indianapolis is full of Team Penske shirts. And this time, I'm able to actually enjoy spending time with my teammates instead of thinking that they're all worried about me.

( How much one good season changes. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need for Speed OC
840 words

"There's something going on that wasn't here before
Keep your eyes glued to the floor
There's something strange going on tonight
There's something going on that's not quite right."

When the man that you love is involved in serving the country, maybe it's only a matter of time before something comes down on your head. At least that was the thought Shelby had as she walked right into her boyfriend by the poolside. This wasn't supposed to be anything big; some party thrown by a billionaire who, being a racing fan, had requested the presence of the country's first female motorsports champion. And she had said yes, thinking that going to something on a private island would be good for a weekend away. Not that she would be mixed up in something much worse.

( In the month that they'd been together, he had always been clear about one thing: he didn't want her in his work. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need for Speed OC
604 words
Prompt takes place in an alternate canon.

Stay strong

Things aren’t good right now. I haven’t completely given up hope they will get better, though. There’s a big part of me inside that enjoys seeing other people happy when I can’t be. I can’t explain it, but it’s empowering. Why be envious of another’s happiness? People should be happy. It’s what we’re all shooting for. Many out there are so privileged, have an unlimited cash flow they like to splash around, whilst many this Christmas will have nothing. There will be kids who don’t just not get presents or food, but also won’t get love or cuddles. There will be people facing incredibly painful times of grief that their recently passed loved one won’t be there for Christmas this year. There will people without without a roof over their heads. There will be people getting harmed or killed and won’t be there to open the presents their loved ones bought them and left under the tree for them.

( I don’t know why I’m in such a ruminative mindset today. Trying to, perhaps, remind myself that things could be so much worse... )

- ZORAN JENNINGS -
original character

Take chances

Things change when you're at the top. I've been the Verizon IndyCar Series champion for two and a half months and I've seen it. People say being at the top means that everyone else is gunning for you. I don't think that's true; no one is specifically aiming for me. We're all just focused on winning. But as the person with the trophy in your hands, you do start looking at things in a way that you didn't before.

( Take right now, for example. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need for Speed OC
565 words

Prove Your Love

Some days, life just sucks. And sometimes, for some people, most days suck. I'm kind of in that boat right now, but it's strange. I also know I'm so very fucking fortunate and so very fucking lucky. I have people who love me, and care about me. They want to help me, and unconditionally. I respect how much energy and stress can go into loving and caring about me when I'm at my worst. I have a family and friends, I have money, I have a roof over my head (or multiple roofs, as I know anyone who loves me would shelter me whenever I need it), I have food and water. But most of all, I have love. I don't need anyone to prove that to me. Love, in its very essence, should never have to be proved to anyone. It just is. It's the omnipresent energy in your life that you're so fucking lucky to have, because many people out there don't. Many people don't have people who care, don't have a place to go to be warm, or guaranteed food when they're hungry. They don't have hugs on offer in those times when life sucks and you just want to be held.

( And on top of all that, I have my dignity and I have pride in what I've gotten through to still remain a good person... )

- ZORAN JENNINGS -
original character

On my mind

I've lost count of the amount of journalling I've done in the years since I was brought to New York. I know some people think writing about feelings is stupid and pointless, but some days, all I had were the pages inside these notebooks. I didn't have to hide anything there. When you start to feel like your brain is going to explode because there is so much on your mind, sometimes all you can do is try to get the thoughts out somehow.

( Lately, I haven't written anything. No journalling, no lyrics, no songs... )

- ZED BLAZE -
original character

"I wanna tell you something,
Give you something
Show you in so many ways
'Cause it would all mean nothing
If I don't say something
Before it all goes away."

I fell in love with Michael the night that I met him. It seems like such a sappy thing to say, but it's true. Standing at a bar in London, just having a drink and enjoying the nightlife in my old hometown for the first time in a few years. Then he and his best friend walked in and when his eyes met mine I just knew that he was someone special. He struck up a conversation with me and we ended up closing the place down, and I wasn't sure I'd ever see him again.

( Since then, he's been everything that I had always hoped for but never thought actually existed in a relationship. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need For Speed OC
800 words
Prompt takes place in an alternate canon.

Can't Stop

"You need to stop the bleeding." Peter's words to me as we're standing at the bathroom sink in the gym. My head down, watching the blood mix with the running water. The paper towels pressed to my newly split lip aren't doing the job fast enough for him. He hands me a towel instead, before he wraps a massive arm around my shoulders. The injury is a consequence of my actions; we're working on my ground game with one of the regulars at the gym, and in the heat of the moment I've once again suffered an injury that will cause people to look at me and shake their heads.

( They'll say I gain nothing from this. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need For Speed OC
676 words

"I think you should only wear jewellery if it has a story behind it."

I'm not big on jewelry; all I ever wear is my wedding band. But there's something I feel that same way about, and that's my tattoo. Two weeks ago, I got the Verizon IndyCar Series logo inked on the inside of my left wrist and it wasn't an aesthetic decision.

( It was a spiritual decision. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need For Speed OC
788 words

Guilty Conscience

Maybe it was stupid, thinking that a second chance was an option. Maybe I should’ve left well enough alone that night when I saw Zoran Zed in the bar. But he was staring at me out of those same blue eyes, and even though superficially, he’d changed, the eyes were the same, and just like all those years ago, I was hooked. I had to talk to him. I had to see him, talk to him… hear his voice again. Only when I did, it wasn’t his voice… The sweet Southern drawl was long gone, replaced by a voice almost completely without an accent. Superficially, he was different, but Zoran was still in there. The same pain still stared at me out of those eyes. And unlike the nights before the one beautiful one shared together, the pain was as much my fault as anyone else’s. Maybe more so. At least his dad was someone he expected to mistreat him. I was his best friend. I loved him. I promised to always be there for him, and in the course of less than a week, I’d broken that promise.

( TW: Suicidal Themes )

Time Heals

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't even know what the 'this' is that I mean. Is it the PEP, or is it life in general? I don't know. The lines are blurred. Is all this a sign that I should have just followed my gut instinct back then and ended it, rather than running? Everything that crosses my mind has a question mark hanging over it like a dark cloud.

( Is it possible that you can just run out of fight? That you just get so exhausted from running and fighting that you can't go on anymore? They say time heals, but I'm starting to think that's all a farce... )

- ZED BLAZE -
original character

Starting over

I went to see Shane this morning. As it turns out - and it says something that I didn't know this already - he lives in North Carolina in the offseason. So as Frank and I are in the middle of our road trip from Indianapolis to Talladega for the NASCAR Eliminator Round finale, I made a little detour. Okay, a big detour.

( Shane owns a penthouse condo in a very nice suburb of Charlotte. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need For Speed OC
653 words

Maybe this time

How are supposed to know when a relationship has just gotten to the point where it maybe only really works in a "just friends" thing? Why isn't there some sort of checklist or quiz you can take to see if yours is one of these? I don't profess to know much about any of this. I'm pretty much still a kid in most ways, and only ever dated one person and loved one person in this way. Then there are this whole other pile of shit happening at the same time as it. It worked before, but now I'm not so sure about anything at all.

( I asked my dad about it... )

Justin Campbell
Original Character

Thinking of words I should've said

My phone is blowing up by the time I get back to Indianapolis. A couple of belated interview requests, a reminder of my meeting with Team Penske brass on Wednesday, friends still leaving messages to congratulate me. First came the Verizon IndyCar Series championship; now there's a lot more that has to be done because of it.

( One of those things is to personally thank everyone... )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need For Speed OC
630 words
Tobey Marshall referenced is an NPC and not any specific muse.

Pain is a part of life
tw: references suicidal thought, self-harm, child abuse and substance addiction
There is no greater pain than watching your kid hurt. Though I can say that it becomes a burning agony when you know they have hurt themselves because other people tried to destroy them. Your own pain doesn't matter, it is just built upon by your desperate attempt to take theirs away. When you can't do that, the helplessness is crippling. It eats you up inside. No matter how many people tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty, you do. It is your job to protect them, and you feel like a failure.

( I truly admire anyone who has a sick child, and faces the struggle and heartache however they can. Especially the days if feels like you can barely keep your head above water and are being pulled under at every turn... )

MARK CAMPBELL // Original Character

"Our greatest glory is not never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

I don't know what to say right now and yet I feel like I have so much I have to say. Actually, I feel like I'm exhausted and probably dehydrated and I need a shower and a nap and a good cry, but right now I need to write this. I need to tell you what's just happened because I still can't believe I can say the words.

( Shelby Manning Martin, 2015 Verizon IndyCar Series champion. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need For Speed OC
717 words

099.2: Pain Is A Part Of Life


Muse: Maria DeLuca Guerin
Fandom: Roswell
Canon: Yes, Post Canon
Words: 347

098. Diary Entry // Those Three Words


Muse: Maria DeLuca Guerin
Fandom: Roswell
Canon: Yes, Post Canon
Words: 305

Recovery is possible.

Peter's flying with me on this trip; the lack of a break between Pocono and Sonoma means that I won't have time to work with him otherwise, and if there's ever a week when you don't want to miss a session with your trainer, it's the week before the season finale. So I've paid for another plane ticket and a separate hotel room, and he's graciously cleared his schedule, though I think part of that might be residual guilt for the purple bruise still receding under my right eye.

( We make an interesting pair. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need For Speed OC
585 words

Keep Holding On

An IndyCar season is just over five months long. This year we started at the end of March and we'll finish at the end of August. In that duration, there are roughly five designated off weeks. The rest of them are spent traveling from one racetrack to another. My schedule on any given weekend involves not just the race, but qualifying, multiple practices, engineering meetings, media availabilities, and sponsor obligations. The rest of the week is made up of more meetings, garage time, the four sessions a week with my personal trainer, and hopefully some downtime with my fellow drivers or friends. Most of the time, I finish work for the day and I just head home, shower, make dinner, watch NBCSN and then go to sleep.

( Like they say, it's a marathon, not a sprint. )

--
Shelby Manning Martin
Need For Speed OC
565 words

Keep Holding On

I've always been a pretty simple person. I'm a fan of honesty and loyalty, not money and materialism. I value love and family, not flash and hype. There was no one more shocked than me when a beautiful, yet very popular, musician wanted to sweep me off my feet just because I accidentally over-fangirled him one day. It's an hilarious story these days, no doubt. He was the best and most amazing thing that ever happened to me. He wasn't just talented, but he was a beautiful soul, with a beautiful smile and a huge heart. Those were all the things I cherished, and those were the things that prevented me from not falling in love with him.

( That he didn't need me to change to fit into his celebrity whirlwind lifestyle. He wanted me exactly as I came, and because of that, fuck did we have a lot of fun together... )

~ Rose Shaw, Original Character

Something Special

It's no secret that I don't know what I'm supposed to be thinking or feeling most of the time. I looked up the definition of "bipolar" once, and it literally means having two poles, or two extremes. That's exactly what this fucking thing feels like. To the point that the middle ground that could probably be loosely termed "normal" doesn't seem to happen very often. You go from one pole to the other, you're usually hanging in one side or the other. I mean, I have this thing. It's me, it's my life, and I still don't get it most of the time.

( [CONTAINS MINOR TRIGGERING CONTENT] But I don't want to talk about that again here. I've already filled pages and pages of journals talking about that shit. Sometimes I read back and can barely make sense of what I've written... )

Justin Campbell
Original Character

Fuck this

I don’t like this feeling. The one that feels right down deep inside places in your heart you didn’t know existed. The fear that you’re never going to feel okay again. I’m not unhappy. That’s never been the question. Ever since I met Angel, I’ve been happier than I ever thought a human could be. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, and he wanted to marry me. Sure, we took our damn time getting there, but life has a way of throwing up these roadblocks in front of you. Maybe we need those to remind us how priceless and cherished love and family should be.

( He’s a beautiful daddy to our little girl too... )

~ Rose Shaw, Original Character

SPOILERS: Shameless Season 5 finale

Bad Mistake
TW: SUICIDAL IDEATION
( Dear Mickey... )

• ian gallagher [ canon: shameless ]

SPOILERS: Shameless Season 5 finale

Family Matters

( Dear Mickey... )

• ian gallagher [ canon: shameless ]

SPOILERS: Shameless Season 5 finale

Memories Made

( Dear Mickey... )

• ian gallagher [ canon: shameless ]

SPOILERS: Shameless Season 5 finale

Love Hurts

( Dear Mickey... )

• ian gallagher [ canon: shameless ]

So, Roland's gallery opened last night.

It was, as I suspected it would be, a disaster. Hardly anyone showed, of course, and all the pieces had no flow to them and there was no entertainment or much to wash down the lack of everything with. I suppose he didn't manage to coerce anyone to pitch in. Which I can't help but feel guilty over because he'd asked me to help and I refused.

And, well.

I really only showed up to sort of stick it to him and show him that he couldn't pull it off. Really, only because I actually just admire his work so much. He has this way of capturing people in their most raw state. It's really... quite beautiful, really. It is.

So the whole evening was one part spite and one part infuriation that people just didn't recognize the genius he is, artistically. Of couse I had to take it all one step further and have sex with a stranger in his washroom after stealing the nicest wine he had.

Suffice to say, I think this relationship is firmly over.

"Never opened myself up this way."

Therapy, bitches. I’m supposed to try to write stuff down I’m thinking about. I’ve done that before, but when I did it, it looked like a whole lot of crazy on paper that I barely even remember writing it how it came out. But that’s a story for another day.

Some days I just wake up and realise how lucky I am to be alive. That’s not just a fleeting ‘Yay life’ feeling that people encourage you to live life to the fullest and all that bullshit. I mean, I am actually seriously lucky to be alive. I shouldn’t be. Three separate times, and a few near-misses beyond that, I shouldn’t be waking up today at all. But I am, and it’s because of people who love me. People care so much that they still want me here. Those are the things I wish I could remember when I’m really sick. Maybe I should plaster a whole collage on a wall in my room of all the reasons to want to stay alive. Although, I probably wouldn’t even notice it when I’m sick. My head does weird shit that I can’t stop sometimes. I wish it didn’t. But then, people wish they had a million dollars and that’s never going to happen, right?

( I’ve never told anyone the things I have been telling people lately... )

Justin Campbell
Original Character

TREATMENT

I know it's completely - and ironically - mental, but I could have sworn I saw my mom when I was in Eichen House. It was a mental health facility, and I was in there because it seemed pretty certain I was losing my mind like she had. Even if that wasn't what it turned out to be, and it would make sense my mind might be playing tricks on me in there because it was absolutely terrifying. But... you know your mom, you know? I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to anyone about it. Not Dad, not Scott, not even Isaac. I'm not crazy, I know it's impossible she was actually there, but with everything we've learned of the supernatural lately, can ghosts truly be a real thing?

( Lately, she's been on my mind more than she probably has at any other time since she died... )

Stiles Stilinski // Teen Wolf
- Inspired by this confirmation from Teen Wolf creator, Jeff Davis.

Unexpected

I never expected to fall in love. Honestly, I didn’t want to. because love should mean making love and that was what I thought I never wanted again. I wasn’t even sure I would be able to handle having people close to me again. It was a battle even just to led my family - the people I loved all along - hug me. I thought I was broken beyond repair.

But then somehow, kismet intervened. Kismet wasn’t even something I fucking believed in either. I’m not even going to lie. After everything that happened, I didn’t believe in much of anything. Not in love, not in goodwill, not in myself. I thought all the good feelings I was capable of had been sucked out of me. I felt bled dry, and I didn’t feel like I could go on. But I could go on. I didn’t feel like I could, but I just did. I wouldn’t have made it without my family, though. Like, literally wouldn’t have made it. I had no intentions of making it.

( Depression can be a tough thing, though... )

Liam Morgan || Original Character

Sick
Contains triggering references
Everyone has their own battles they’re fighting. But most days, it feels like I’m fighting a war all on my own… and against myself. I don’t know if there’s a worse feeling than knowing you’re really sick in the head. There’s the metaphorical sick where people say they’re fucked in the head either as a joke or because they’re having a bad day. But to know you really are on the ‘better’ days and that you’re hurting the people you love on the worst, I don’t even have words to put together to help people to understand that.

Most of the time I just don’t even try. I have a couple of times and just ended up in a jumble of confused thoughts where I get frustrated or angry. I have no control over it. One minute I feel fine, and the next they’re giving me those looks again. The looks that come when I must freak the fuck out of them, but barely even remember it. I sort of remember it sometimes, but probably not in the way they do. It’s more just like an emotional overload, sort of how you feel after you’ve been drunk and only have remnants left of everything you really did.

( They keep telling me I’m sick, so it’s okay... )

Tyler Peterson || Original Character

"I found the reason for me to change who I used to be." - The Reason, Hoobastank

I don't feel like a father. I'm not sure I ever really have. I know I certainly haven't fought to figure it out. Today was one of those worse days they warn you might come. Sort of like the other even-keel days are the calm before the storm. The cravings have been unbearable and I was feeling physically sick during the night right into today. I didn't even want to bother getting out of bed. I did, though. It felt like a mean feat to achieve, but I did. Can't say I looked any level of presentable, however. But there are no airs and graces in this place.

( It wasn't a group therapy day today. Private sessions only... )

Cole Carrington
( original character )

"When you feel like quitting, think about why you started." - Anon

Today was the first day I began to feel better physically, and it was also the hardest day in a sense that feeling well meant I had less cockblocking my reason to stay here. Feeling better had me thinking maybe I didn't need this place at all and I very seriously contemplated checking myself out. Thankfully a group therapy session made me realise what a stupid fucking idea that was, and also relieved this place doesn't allow internet access or any route to contact loved ones on the outside. Apparently most rehab places don't. Learn something new every day, and I learnt how much of a quitter I would be tempted to be if I had the access to ways to do it. Give a man an inch, and he'll take a mile and all that. First chance I would have had, I would have been online telling Des to come get me.

( Of course, she would have told me to go fuck myself and stick my dick in a blender, but the point is, I would have tried it... )

Cole Carrington
( original character )

"I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever." - I Believe, Stevie Wonder

I was back at work today for the first part of a series of CK shoots. I would say the break was nice, but it really just ended up being crap. There was Cole's single day attempt to go cold turkey, followed by him falling off the wagon to the max. But lets be frank here, he didn't even really make it on to the wagon in the first place. Then there was that one day and night we had together which was... amazing is the only word I can come up with, but it doesn't really cut it. That one day was what made me realise that I'm here to stick it out with him, that there is a tiny spark of something incredible to Cole underneath all the substance abuse, addiction, traumatic past, and painful heartache. He has frequently asked me why I'm doing this, why I want to bother with it, and bother with him. The simple answer is that I finally saw in him why he needs someone to bother with him, because he gave up bothering with himself far too long ago.

( Then, of course, came the food poisoning of death and destruction. It ruined our last couple of days together before Cole left for rehab... )

Emilio Alvarez
{ original character }